The Materia Medica of Falco Peregrinus Disciplinatus








Mind Themes:

Spirals, waves and colours

Day began on an upswing, mood elevated but by afternoon it was descending. 01P 017 XX.XX OS

I felt quite low for most of the day but I'm on a bit of an upswing now. 01P 018 23.30 NS

Again last night I became quite directionless, going round and round, picking up things, putting them down again, doing something else, then dropping it. 01P 030 XX.XX NS

Contact with the group energy has put me into a tailspin! 01P 031 XX.XX NS

Also feeling up and down. At times felt really high, wanted to just sit. The energy would go and the another wave would come again. 02P 001 XX.XX NS

Feelings both physical and mental, came and went in waves for the rest of the night. 02P 001 XX.XX NS

Rapidly changing emotions and states in extremes, depths of state - heightened state. 02P 007 XX.XX NS

I do seem to be flipping from feeling quite trippy, to carefree, to calm, to emotional, to despondent, very changeable, much more than usual, I do tend to take things personally but I am intense and rapidly changeable. 02P 007 XX.XX NS

Partner and I alternate state constantly, he is down in despair and I open up and become caring, then we switch. Usually we complement each other more. 02P 040 XX.XX AS

Seeing a break-dancing spider in the middle of the floor. 06P 001 17.00 NS

Felt like waves, up and down feeling, no periodicity. 06P 001 XX.XX NS

Waves, quite high then down again. 06P 001 XX.XX NS

Very tired, depressed in morning on waking, inertia. Once up, very active almost manic. 06P 026 XX.XX RS

My husband says its been quite difficult coping with my ups and downs this month. 07P 000 XX.XX NS

I drive home (usually I ask him to drive because I don't like driving). The first roundabout we come to I ask "which way do I go round it?" I really couldn't think for a few seconds which way I should go. I've never done that before - not even when I was learning. My husband laughs at me and says "you go whichever way you want". I was surprised at his response, because normally he would have got cross with me for asking such a question. 07P 001 19.00 NS

Made playdough seafood creatures with children today. I made the spiral one just like the spirals someone had drawn on Sunday. Made me shudder looking at the pictures of all the seafood, wet and slimy.Yuk! 07P 032 XX.XX NS

I keep going round and round in a disorganised state. Can't get my act together. I realise this has been happening all through the month. It's as if I can't co-ordinate, like when you first have to get a meal for a number of people, and everything is ready at different times and you make a mess of it. That has been happening a lot at home. I haven't noticed it at work. My house is a tip, my homework and all my college paperwork are all in a disorganised state. 07P 037 XX.XX NS

I felt I wanted to move in a rhythm - and moved my feet as if to music. This felt very good. I thought how wonderful it would be to rock in a hammock. 08P 001 17.00 NS

In meditation - felt I was windsurfing for a long time. Then there were waves bobbing up and down - like 'cut out' wooden waves used in a theatre production - they were bobbing up and down - slowly and rhythmically. 08P 001 17.00 NS

Several of us went into the garden and there was a hammock! This was too much! 08P 001 21.00 NS

I had a wonderful time blowing bubbles with one of the bubble pots I had bought in the shop. In the end I reached a point where I had to leave the hammock or I wouldn't want to / be able to leave - I would just stay in a very dreamy state. The feeling of being very calm inside and dreamy seemed to be increased by any rocking / bobbing type motion. 08P 001 21.00 NS

On the drive back from the party we kept going round and round the same roundabouts etc. and taking / nearly taking wrong turnings. It was ridiculous - there was a mixture of laughter and shouting at each other. 08P 001 24.00 NS

Saw a vision of a large, splendid, spiral staircase with me at the bottom looking up in wonder. 09P 001 17.30 NS

Flash of a mental image 2/3 times a day: There is a black void of chaos, with swirling clouds and tremendous energy. The blackness is alive with wild winds and movement. Then I suddenly see a cluster of long scarves, very thin beautiful and flowing. They are each of the most beautiful colours, jewel-like, each unique. They are swirling around in the hurricanes of the void of blackness. I fear they will be blown away or ripped to shreds. Then my consciousness journeys from the outer edge of one scarf to the other end. I see, with relief and delight that all the coloured scarves are held on a most noble, simple and strong circle - a ring of pure gold. They can flutter and fly but they are strongly and preciously secured at the centre. I realise that the gold ring is my core, unchanging, precious and safe. The scarves are my feelings and experiences reaching into a chaotic void of all possibilities. They seem frail and vulnerable, but they are dazzling and mobile, and they are held safely. This has been a gift of understanding which I have been given to help and reassure me. 15G 000 XX.XX NS

Flashes of neon colour span round in a wide circle around me. 15G 001 16.30 NS

At the party I had my nails painted in bright, pearlised colours, I was finding colours and shapes fascinating and beautiful. 15G 001 22.00 NS

On the way back from the party, I got lost serveral times and found myself driving around roundabouts two or three times. 15G 001 23.00 NS

I made a brightly coloured stained-glass window . Fascinated with colours and light. 15G 010 XX.XX RS

I don't know what is going on. Moments of peace, calm, and periods of feeling totally content and strong in myself. Then a judder and a jolt, a complete wave of despair and vulnerability. 15G 019 XX.XX NS

The movement of the past few days' events like a film reel moving on and on. 15G 022 XX.XX NS

While driving along in the distance on a hill I saw a man and a boy were flying a kite, it kept going up and down. I kept thinking that it was dangerous, that the kite might come down in front of the car. Felt that they were too close to the road, got really angry. I drove around the roundabout and stopped the car on the pavement. I was going to tell the man that it was really dangerous, I climbed over the fence then burst into laughter I realized the man was a long way off and no danger. I sat on the fence laughing. It was really strange. 16G 001 19.00 NS


Went out by myself - feeling very good, pleased with myself, I walked out on the dam on the stream without a thought, after a few minutes I noticed how precariously I was perched and thought quite calmly, "You'd break a leg if you fell off here", but I didn't go back immediately. 01P 001 18.00 NS

Drove to party with others - "How can he drive like this?" Thought about having an accident we seemed to be going so close to other vehicles, but I was only mildly concerned as I felt so at ease. Thought an accident would be "somewhat" of a problem to explain. 01P 001 20.00 NS

Enjoyed party - had nails painted - very much in the moment. 01P 001 23.00 NS

Feel on the verge of hallucinating, of things disintegrating but not scared. 02P 001 17.00 NS

I have felt quite wiped out and drained of life all morning, yet quite content, mellow and relaxed. Really enjoyed being with the kids today in a very relaxed way. 02P 023 XX.XX NS

In the evening I felt really playful, happy, dancey, back to normal but more intense. 02P 072 XX.XX CS

Feel very active, playful, light. Feel like looking after myself again, washing, brushing hair. Back to swimming, doing yoga. 02P 074 XX.XX NS

Picked up some students from Bristol. On the way back a confusion of lanes resulted in having to avoid a van. What was noticeable retrospectively was how I didn't get emotionally involved: there was no nervousness where normally there would have been. 03P 002 09.30 NS

Continued to feel relaxed and not in a hurry to do anything, would normally have been hurriedly busy. 03P 003 10.00 NS

Was very happy this morning - unusual for a Monday, beaming at everyone, just not bothered by it. Nothing bothered me today. Grinning all day - someone asked me if I'd won the lottery. 05P 003 XX.XX NS

That stage when you have had a few drinks before you go over the top. 07P 001 17.00 NS

Erratic driving, Pwar that was close, but it didn't matter. 07P 001 18.00 NS

As soon as my husband gets into the car with me he notices a difference. He starts to moan about waiting for me, but I don't care, I just sit and grin, I feel very relaxed. "You looked spaced out" he says. I told him we'd taken a remedy. He seems to tune straight in with me and we both laugh. He has taken on my mood and that feels good. 07P 001 19.00 NS

Very laid back and relaxed for rest of evening. No desire to go to bed early even though I've been so sleepy during the day. 07P 025 22.00 NS

I find it very difficult to take anything seriously at all, great fun. 08P 002 XX.XX NS

Not thinking as much as I normally do. 09P 001 17.00 NS

Don't want to move, talk, laugh, engage at all. Saw nothing and thought nothing most of the time. 09P 001 17.30 NS

Felt adolescent, but without the self-consciousness, inhibitions and hang-ups. Stoned, but without the paranoia and thoughts. 13G 002 XX.XX NS

Periods of great stillness - completely unworried by things. 13G 002 XX.XX NS

Can't study my heart isn't in it. Previously I would have spent hours and days researching and taking notes. This time I'm only reading a bit and then writing straight down with no first draft. I seem to have lost the tight standards of perfection which before I would have imposed mercilessly on myself. 15G 019 XX.XX NS

Can't think long term at all, it seems irrelevant and futile speculation. 15G 031 XX.XX NS

Following the proving, on the same day, I did find myself in a state of care free. Nothing was a problem and whatever happened to me I would handle it. I feel very free-spirited. 17G 001 XX.XX NS

I was aware that I was really silly but it didn't matter. 17G 001 XX.XX NS

Boyfriend lost job, not worried but euphorically giggly, childlike, playful. 24G 000 XX.XX NS


Whilst I was cooking I was all over the place - soup which usually takes 20 minutes took over an hour, I kept thinking of different things to add and different ways to make it, used three or four saucepans instead of one. 02P 006 12.00 NS

Absentminded, a few times over the past few days I've forgotten to turn the hotplates off. I never forget. 02P 006 XX.XX NS

Forget what day of the week it is. 02P 025 XX.XX NS

My memory feels totally non-existent, I can't remember things from second to second, let alone from day to day, my memory isn't normally outstanding but it is nowhere near this bad. 02P 060 XX.XX NS

Kept losing the thread in conversations, I didn't now what on earth people were talking about. 05P 002 11.00 NS

Lost the drift in group work. Loads of homework, didn't care. Didn't hand in any homework as I didn't finish, wasn't too bothered. 05P 002 17.00 NS

Forgot to put potatoes in the oven tonight. Put the oven on, prepared the potatoes. Looked in the oven 45 minutes later, and realised I had forgotten to put them in - the oven was empty, with the potatoes on the top. 05P 003 19.00 NS

Am extremely forgetful - forgot purse, cards and cheque book this morning. 05P 003 XX.XX NS

Very forgetful still - forgot I had booked car in for cam belt and had to go back to the garage (late) where someone was waiting to give me a lift to work. 05P 006 08.00 NS

Very forgetful. Have contraceptive monitor, 'Persona' - I'm usually very good about doing the tests. I went to the bathroom this morning, got the monitor, it flashed (indicating that she needed to test?), put my contact lenses in, had a wee and realised I'd forgotten to use the stick for the test - not like me at all. 05P 006 08.00 NS

I went to the wrong place; I'd been going two years but forgot the rooms had changed 2 weeks ago, I went to the wrong room. 06P 004 XX.XX RS

Went out with 3 adults and 5 kids but never got to the Fair. 06P 016 XX.XX RS

I find it difficult to concentrate, there is no clarity in note taking. I couldn't think of the words I wanted to write down. I noticed this was happening when I was speaking as well. I couldn't think of the word that I wanted. 07P 015 09.30 NS

I get to work, my brain seems muddled. I'm so absentminded. I tell people I'm going mad, I'm losing my marbles. I keep repeating these phrases because I'm seeking reassurance that I'm not going mad, because I actually feel I am. 07P 033 XX.XX NS

I'm so absentminded. 07P 034 XX.XX NS

I had totally forgotten about the arrangement with supervisor. 08P 005 XX.XX NS

I shut my finger in the car door and have found myself becoming extremely clumsy. I am constantly walking into things and dropping things. 09P 000 XX.XX NS

Could not get the right words to describe something, in a meeting when several people that I did not know were listening to me, not a new symptom but I have been feeling more clear-thinking and less lost for the right words since the proving. 09P 005 XX.XX CS

Some short-term and longer-term forgetfulness about details, not new but actually aware of shortcomings. 09P 014 XX.XX NS

At lunch time I felt like we were bumbling into each other; felt really silly about cutting vegetables. 10G 001 17.00 NS

Mixing up words calling things by other names: "My hoover is broken" instead of "My washing machine is broken." 15G 000 XX.XX AS

Can't remember messages that people tell me to pass on to others. 15G 000 XX.XX NS

I am now calling things by the wrong names. 15G 000 XX.XX RS

Fell down stairs after getting up in morning. Never normally do things like this. Put my foot on top step. Skin on soles of feet felt really dry. Foot just didn't seem to connect in a stable way with step, slipped off and I slid down whole length of stairs on my back and bum. Severe bruising on bum, very stunned for half hour or so. 24G 000 XX.XX NS

I missed college the weekend of the proving, didn't realize it was on, thought it was the following weekend, so drove down, no-one was there. 24G 008 XX.XX NS

Freedom and speed

Feel high but in my body. Unbounded but quite grounded. 01P 001 17.00 NS

Climbed up in the adventure playground. Got into a situation that I felt was dangerous, but I thought this is dangerous - but didn't feel any fear - I turned around and walked back. 01P 001 XX.XX NS

A conscious aversion to being too rational, to wanting to be too organized. 02P 002 XX.XX NS

Thinking about being calm, an afternoon last week, just doing something for the fun of it, just being rather than setting it up and keeping it orderly. I made a mappa mundi collage with the kids which was a mellow experience, just a messy arty thing. We used to do this, maybe it is the return of an old state. Pleased so much that I can just relax and hang out with my kids. 02P 020 XX.XX OS

Drove back from the party (had had some wine but not too much ) quite fast but well, changing speed as necessary. It seemed faster to the others in the car than to me. 03P 001 24.00 NS

Bicycle ride - went at a leisurely pace, no hurry, calmer than usual. 03P 003 17.00 NS

We arrive home, my eldest son says I look stoned. The other two children tap straight into my mood and love it. My daughter says I'm wild and free. My husband says I seem frivolous - as if I don't care. I notice there is an absence of my usual anxieties and I've loosened up. 07P 001 19.00 NS

Relaxed but well-grounded. 09P 001 17.30 NS

Feeling very horny. 10G 001 17.00 NS

Drew a kite earlier and felt as if I was flying and drew birds. 10G 001 17.00 NS

I had difficulties driving, I felt quite chilled out about driving, normally I would get stressed out. 15G 001 XX.XX NS

I drove home that evening in a record time of 1hr 10min, a journey which usually takes me 1hr 30min. I drove at high speed, I was aware of the speed but I didn't care. At one stage I spotted a police car in my mirror, fully aware that I was well over the speed limit, I carried on. I remember thinking, well I would be done for that and it would be a shame since I have never had any endorsement on my licence. Nevertheless I didn't ease off the speed and thought it would be OK and it was, the police car left the motorway before they got to me. I was aware on my journey home that my driving was somewhat careless and that if I was not more careful I would have an accident, but it didn't stop me. 17G 001 XX.XX NS

Was very speedy. 24G 000 XX.XX NS

Floating and flying

Dream-like state in the room. 00G 001 17.00 NS

Sensation/visual impression of ground and darkly cloudy sky - the horizon moving towards me - as I allow it to speed up I am trajected into space, rushing towards the stars. 01P 001 17.00 NS

Sense of [my] consciousness being lifted higher, the "top of my head/awareness" expanding above myself. 01P 001 17.00 NS

Keep looking at my hands - gripping my knees. 01P 001 17.00 NS

Body much smaller than my head. 01P 001 17.00 NS

Sensation of horizon moving towards me and then lifting. Like a ball, or two balls spinning towards me. 01P 001 17.00 NS

I had a sense of expanded consciousness. 01P 001 17.00 NS

I felt that all my "small self" needs could just arise and be dealt with or not, I felt really good. 01P 002 XX.XX NS

Got up to pee - a bit disappointed that I'd not remembered any dreams rather like Saturday night - went back to bed and almost immediately slipped back into dream - got up realized that my dream/waking worlds were so close that I hadn't seen what was dream and what not. The whole dream came flooding back and I noted it. 01P 003 07.00 NS

Very much in my head. 01P 003 XX.XX NS

Feeling quite "spaced-out" again feeling quite confident, relaxed. 01P 007 XX.XX NS

Very spaced-out. 01P 008 13.00 NS

The other main theme is this sort of spaciness I get, especially in the car. The detachment becomes so intense that it sort of starts off with a numbness in my legs, which is kind of strange when you are driving. When we first took the remedy, it was like tripping, like the world was going to disintegrate in front of me, and it happens every time I get into a car. 02P 000 XX.XX NS

In the pub at lunchtime I had a wave of alteredness come again. 02P 000 XX.XX NS

My auto-responses lessened. 02P 001 17.00 NS

Immediate effect of feeling inwardly focused. 02P 001 17.00 NS

Kept phasing in and out with strong experiences same as yesterday. 02P 002 10.30 NS

Felt very dreamy, trippy, things seemed unreal. 02P 002 XX.XX NS

Waves of detachment and altered state started coming again. Particularly strong from 11.00 - 13.00. When they came there was a lot of focus in my stomach, I was very aware of it and felt as if it was expanding. 02P 006 12.00 NS

I stood up and felt incredibly dizzy and trippy, right out of my body. 02P 006 18.00 NS

Partner came down and I was acting like I was stoned but I wasn't. It's like I've been stoned all day. 02P 006 XX.XX NS

The rest of the day was dreamy and calm, immersing myself in cooking. 02P 020 XX.XX NS

Big rush of alteredness on the way home. Was driving and had the sensation of hands on the wheel with the wheel being large and throbbing as were my hands, but I had no awareness of my arms. The outside really felt like it could disintegrate at any time, like tripping. Very detached and zoomed in on me being separate from life, I thought then I should pull off the road for a while and then the state diminished. 02P 021 XX.XX NS

Drove partner to town, actually he drove, and as soon as we got into the car I had the waves of alteredness and detatchment come over me, there is a definite link to being in the car. Very much an awareness centred in the stomach, like it is enlarged. 02P 021 XX.XX NS

Last night I had quite a long chat with partner on the phone, I felt close, clear, confident, calm and loving, and playful. A bit spacey too, with many waves coming and going. Was chatting from my heart, he seemed very centred and I was giving him bits of music to listen to. I felt very optimistic and bright at end when I went to bed. He said I was flaky and was afraid. 02P 022 XX.XX NS

I felt so mellow, like I could just flow with this and be. 02P 023 XX.XX NS

Focused quite hard in the car so I wouldn't lose it to a strong wave of detachment. 02P 024 XX.XX NS

Felt like I've been coasting all week, things have been fairly calm. 02P 057 XX.XX NS

Spaced, only similar experience was going under the influence of marijuana. 03P 001 17.00 NS

It feels extra-still in the room. 03P 001 17.00 NS

My writing is jittery. Unexpected in this unhurried situation. 03P 001 17.00 RS

I was really shaky, stoned feeling. 05P 001 18.00 NS

While driving home I kept looking up at the clouds and thinking I must stop doing this. 05P 001 19.00 NS

Felt stoned out of my brain. Couldn't talk much. Can't remember much of the evening, felt dreamlike. 05P 001 XX.XX NS

When we got to college and started talking about "the night before", I started feeling really stoned again. 05P 002 10.00 NS

In the evening talked to husband about the day, kept saying bits about the proving effect on the group and worrying it might make me go up again. I felt like a balloon on a piece of string, the slightest gust would take me off. Felt I could go at any minute. 05P 002 20.00 NS

Felt high, not really there. 05P 002 XX.XX NS

Still feel a bit floaty. 05P 003 XX.XX NS

Didn't want to drive to work, felt out of control. 05P 005 08.30 NS

Time went really slowly - couldn't believe it was so early, when I had done so much. 05P 008 XX.XX NS

Driving a 10 minute journey that I do frequently I lost my sense of direction. I couldn't think which way I should go. I found myself drifting in and out of awareness. I couldn't remember if I had passed certain points or what came next. Terrible lack of concentration. 07P 025 19.30 NS

Feel as if windsurfing. Everything bobbing, but like phoney waves. 08P 001 17.00 NS

Felt strange all day, not really there. 08P 002 XX.XX NS

I was apprehensive about starting my work this month, with no feeling of urgency to get it done and I was finding it difficult to start. 09P 000 XX.XX AS

Time passed very easily, I lost sense of time. 09P 001 17.30 NS

Dreamy state. 09P 001 17.30 NS

Felt high like a bird. 10G 001 17.00 NS

Being high up. Feel slightly "out of body". 12G 001 17.00 NS

Seeing giraffes, long necks. 12G 001 17.00 NS

I felt I somehow lost the 'reflective' quality or ability for a few days - no reflection on what I was doing or what was happening. Meditation was impossible - too easily distracted, but in a different kind of way to usual. Sort of not able to hold a thought; lots of little, fleeting thoughts, almost, rather than getting distracted following off on a thought train. Odd, this mixture of being 'in the present' yet being simultaneously detached from it or not connected to it. 13G 000 XX.XX NS

Felt heavy, still. 13G 001 17.00 NS

Felt stoned. Timeless and in the present, not many thoughts. 13G 001 19.00 NS

Quite happy to sit still. 13G 002 XX.XX NS

After two minutes of silence I had a sensation of rising. 15G 001 16.30 NS

Driving home was difficult, I felt that I was not really in myself. 15G 002 18.00 AS

Could not focus on study. 15G 003 XX.XX NS

Inability to focus mind on rational, sequential thought or any study, can't concentrate. 15G 005 XX.XX NS

Felt a need to go slow and steady. 15G 005 XX.XX NS

Giggling and innocence

Had a very silly evening, but it didn't seem that way at the time. 02P 001 17.00 NS

Felt very peaceful, giggly, silly, adolescent, content, stroppy, confident. 02P 001 17.00 NS

Giggly laughter, started when I put my dressing gown on after I'd already put some clothes on, which 1 never do. I caught sight of it in the mirror and it looked bizarre. 03P 003 09.00 NS

Made a silly joke. 03P 005 09.00 NS

I had a feeling of being childlike. 04P 000 XX.XX NS

I was shaking so much I didn't know how I was going to drive home. When we went into the car park, friend asked if I felt okay to drive, I said yes. We got into the car, and as I started to reverse I said "At least there aren't many cars, anyway, if I hit one everyone's so busy laughing they'll probably just roar with laughter. I'll say "sorry I've written your car of" and they'll all fall around laughing". Friend started laughing, and then I started laughing, I felt almost hysterical. We drove off screaming with laughter. Tears were in my eyes, I could hardly see, I was laughing so much. I thought/said I wonder if I should go home via some lanes to avoid police cars. Had to drive very carefully/slowly. There were some bollards in Wick, I said "I haven't seen those before"; Friend said no, she hadn't, I said perhaps they aren't there! and we start laughing, 05P 001 18.00 NS

Empathised with 11 year old girls but felt quite heavy and adult. 06P 001 21.00 NS

Became quite high, childlike, silly, felt quite stoned, giggly, didn't want to let it out. 06P 001 XX.XX OS

Laughing, I've wanted a good laugh for a good time. 07P 001 17.00 NS

Just feel like laughing. 07P 001 17.00 NS

Felt childish, silly. 07P 001 18.00 NS

Feel giggly, terrific urge to laugh and laugh, right from the abdomen - a real belly laugh. 07P 001 18.00 NS

I ring my supervisor and tell her what's been going on. I haven't been talking to her while I felt I was going mad. She said "find a way to protect yourself". 07P 034 20.30 NS

In the group I felt a wonderful sense of serenity - also felt that I was holding back because I really wanted to have fits of giggles. Once someone laughed, I could laugh which was a great relief. It was like being a child when you have the giggles - the slightest thing sets you off and everything is hilarious. 08P 001 17.00 NS

It's very hard to be serious. 08P 001 17.00 NS

At a party I was very amused and delighted to see that a young girl was wearing black boots similar to the ones I had seen in the meditation. 08P 001 21.00 NS

Felt very giggly all evening. 08P 001 XX.XX NS

Felt giggles bubbling under again. 13G 002 XX.XX NS

It was as if part of me went back to being a young girl and part of me stayed my proper age, the memory was so vivid. 23G 000 XX.XX NS


Sat around giggling and gossiping for a long time. 00G 001 17.30 NS

Stayed with group, communing in the hall. We were all crammed in the entrance hall of Wick, people would come and go as they pleased. 01P 001 18.00 NS

Felt very bonded to everyone in our year group and quite motherly and protective to those who also took the remedy. 02P 001 17.00 NS

Had a few occasions to really hang out and chat and I felt very relaxed, talked about personal issues, laughed and joked, feeling comfortable, it was really nice. Didn't feel my normal background need to seem special, or appreciated. 02P 002 XX.XX NS

Had a strong feeling of wishing I was going home to be with partner and the kids, I usually like to prolong my times away and have a sense of foreboding at the thought of going home. 02P 015 XX.XX NS

At the end of the day's teaching, like the others, I didn't move to go home, just content to sit there in the stillness. 03P 002 17.00 NS

At party, buzzy and fiery. Full of nervous energy. Avoiding quiet people to be with buzzy and fiery people. 06P 016 XX.XX RS

Feel tremendous bonding with the group. 07P 001 18.00 NS

It's great to reunite with the group. I feel wonderful and some of the group comment on how bright I look. 07P 002 09.40 NS

I feel very emotional about election results. I can't help thinking about my granddad who died two years ago. How pleased he would be with the results. On watching Tony Blair and his wife arrive at Downing Street I feel great stirrings. To see the welcome the crowd gave him made me weep. I was touched by the warmth of the crowd. I had a sense of a great bonding of the country, the joy of the crowd, the hero's welcome - all touched me and it was great to cry so freely. Thoughts of my granddad came up - how pleased he would have been. I felt sad that he wasn't here to share in it. I felt that if his energy was out there somewhere, I was feeling open enough to allow him to experience it through me. 07P 014 08.00 NS

The day went okay and the despondency lifted on mixing with the group. 07P 029 09.00 NS

I was reluctant to leave the group - this is unusual for me! By the end of the day I normally feel I want some space from the group thing. 08P 001 18.00 NS

It was much easier to talk to the other members of the group - for example for whatever reason I had never really spoken much to one person. At the party it was easy. I have felt generally it is much easier to follow my feelings. 08P 001 22.00 NS

Felt I did not want to leave group, usually can't wait to leave by late Sunday afternoon. 08P 002 17.00 NS

Wanted to play with people. 08P 002 XX.XX NS

Got to bed late due to election. Enjoyed being part of the excitement, often this is not the case as I find excitement difficult, feel out of it. Felt uplifted by result all day. 09P 013 XX.XX CS

Everyone wanted to stay together. 12G 002 XX.XX NS

Felt very easy around everyone. Great camaraderie. 13G 002 XX.XX NS

Empathy with people

Find I am repeating what someone else is saying. 02P 001 17.00 NS

Whenever somebody felt or looked lost, it felt quite attractive to me. Felt like it might be nice to become more intimate with people I saw as low and vulnerable. 02P 001 17.00 OS

Felt protective, felt bonded to everyone I was with. Felt mothering. Wanted to touch and stroke people. 02P 002 11.00 NS

I still have the protective thing, a sort of mothering, I just want to make sure that everyone's OK. 02P 002 XX.XX NS

Many people around me are dealing with death and very sick relatives and I feel that I have the confidence to be there for them. 02P 006 XX.XX NS

Went to see supervisor and, although her whole life was being turned upside down, we both seemed calm and connected with each other and mutually supportive. So many of her symptoms match that there has to be a deep connection and resonance between the two of us. 02P 021 XX.XX NS

I've been uncomfortable showing my own stuff, not wanting to evoke pity, yet empathy does feel good. 02P 059 XX.XX NS

The feeling of finding others' compassion and caring overwhelming still remains. 02P 059 XX.XX NS

Felt tearful when someone talked about the baby she's carrying. 03P 001 17.30 RS

Felt closer to the student who was travelling with me, more-intimate sharing. 03P 002 19.00 RS

There are some kids with some really challenging behaviour that I work with and this time I have been standing up to them and really wanting to be with them and feeling a lot of love and a lot of enjoyment being with these kids, which is surprising because I usually dislike them, but I always gravitate towards the really difficult ones. 06P 000 XX.XX NS

My only worry was my brother, concern to look after him. 06P 009 XX.XX NS

Pleased with Labour victory even though I don't like politics. Surprised it affected me. 06P 014 XX.XX NS

Watched programme, felt disgust at deceit of someone in the programme - really touched me, made me feel more miserable. 07P 007 20.00 NS

Woke up in a bad mood, negative about everything -the state of my house, getting my homework done. I feel as if everything is getting on top of me, feeling resentful about amount of work. I confess it all to my husband and I'm easily reassured about everything by him. This is unusual for me - I find I mostly dwell on these feelings when I have them. 07P 020 08.00 NS

Things are tense at school. Bad behaviour from one child affecting us all. I feel slightly stirred up by it (my usual sort of anxiousness). Perhaps numbing is wearing off. 07P 020 12.30 NS

We discuss the proving. One prover's story was very sad and moving. I could relate to the place she was in and felt I had been there in my past. Normally I would have been choked at the story and would have fought back the tears. I didn't feel a sadness in my usual way, the numbing of the remedy was preventing that. It was as if I was detached, as if I was on the outside looking in on something that didn't affect me. A coldness. I have noticed that I have a sensitivity to atmosphere that seems stronger since the remedy. It doesn't seem to be words that are affecting me so much as an instinctual feel for people's restlessness and unhappiness. I realise this has been happening on and off all month. I recall sitting next to the headteacher in a meeting. I felt I absorbed his inner turmoil and anxiety, it was very unsettling for me. (I checked with the Deputy Head about how the Head was feeling, in case it was my own stuff. She told me that he was feeling extremely anxious and wound up by things). Another incident was a child who sat next to me to read. She was very restless and agitated and I felt I absorbed it right into my gut. Something wasn't right with her, the feeling passed a few minutes after she left me. 07P 031 10.00 NS

I felt conscious of feeling different to those around me in some way. This was fine but an unusual feeling. There was a group of several shopping baskets on the floor of the shop and their presence really bothered me. I was anxious that a friend might trip over them. In the end I kicked them out of the way a bit. 08P 001 20.30 NS

Felt cold when someone was talking about being sad. 08P 002 10.30 NS

I sat next to this man, a chiropractor, but I didn't like it, there was something odd, something about his aura, he was not nasty, it just felt odd, it felt cold: the side of my body next to him. I felt very uncomfortable. A bloke came later on and sat next to me on my left and it was really strange, 5 to 10 minutes later I felt warm and comfortable on this side, the other side was cold and uncomfortable, I felt very strange. It was like a temperature gradient across me. I leant over and tried to talk to the bloke's wife and try to talk to them. Felt like the chiropractor was competing with the other man, making fun of him. I didn't want to be sat next to him. He said something quite nasty to my friend whose birthday it was and I poked him in the ribs, very unlike me. It feels like I am picking up auras, it feels like I am much more sensitive than what I am normally. I can't stand aggression. At one point during the end of the evening, the chiropractor started having an argument with my friend whose birthday it was. I had to leave the table. I didn't want to be in that space, I went to the phone. I remember when he left I felt a tremendous sense of relief. The same when I was with my boyfriend, although I still felt very cold chilly. When we got home we went to bed and that was fine. 08P 003 20.30 NS

I resonated very strongly with a video case of a man who was a very sad case and needed Opium. He was likely to die soon but wanted to be told that he was loved unconditionally. Not a new symptom but was very aware of my resonance. 09P 015 XX.XX AS

Was feeling stupid still and very aware of my forgetfulness. I resonated strongly with a woman who could not remember things and kept jumping between two languages. Forgetfulness not new but I was more aware of it and felt keenly about this problem. 09P 016 XX.XX NS

There has been a strong need to stand up against any form of oppression, whether it be to myself or to others. 15G 019 XX.XX OS

I felt so grateful for support and kindness. 15G 022 XX.XX NS

Clairvoyance. I knew what someone was going to say when they came downstairs. I wrote the sentence on a piece of paper, they said the same sentence on entering the room. 15G 029 XX.XX AS

Empathy with nature

Went to look at a hill, felt that I was on top of the world. Felt optimistic about moving. 02P 004 XX.XX NS

I noticed a robin sitting outside the window, still, for a long time. 03P 001 17.00 NS

As someone talked about each of the 7 woods that his table was made of, I seemed to be able to sense the qualities of each wood as I felt it. 03P 001 22.00 NS

Remarkable meditation with strong sense of my energy field around me. 03P 008 08.00 NS

By the sea. Strong emotional response to looking at the sea: the waves and the sun reflecting off the water. Felt like crying. Much stronger response than I've had in the past. 03P 009 12.00 NS

Very stressful day - partly because the cat decided to go off and hide - this is the last time we take him on holiday with us! We spent over 4 hours looking for him, with no success - husband's going back for him tomorrow, then went home, through and absolutely horrific storm - hailstones and floods! When we got in we received a call to say the cat had returned. We both felt really stressed out this evening. I felt very guilty for not ringing supervisor during the week (to bore her rigid with all this "navel-contemplating"! She was probably pleased I didn't). 05P 027 XX.XX NS

Relief that it's been raining, I was worried about the water running out 06P 007 XX.XX NS

Feel despondency over the state of the world. We don't respect our environment, we are destroying the planet, we have no respect for each other. Perhaps I'm just tired from a busy weekend. 07P 017 17.00 OS

Despondent about lack of concern for our environment - for each other as a race. 07P 028 19.30 OS

Driving from College, I felt very disorientated by the storm approaching. It felt as if the air was charged up and it was affecting me. I had nausea and slight vertigo. The lightening was unnerving me, scaring me. I felt unsafe. 07P 030 18.30 NS

I went for a walk. Talked to the chickens. 10G 001 17.00 NS

Immediate reaction - fleeting thought of the sensation of an animal in the room. 13G 001 14.30 NS

Got into a totally inappropriate conversation with 2 seven year olds and a 4 year old, about the desperate need for rain - I was saying that we would die of hunger and thirst if it didn't rain. Felt anxious and angry inside that it hasn't rained. Felt desperate about it, like I wanted to go home and lay in a bath of cool water and drink lots, like I would dry up, shrivel up if it didn't rain. (Usually tolerate or even enjoy rain, but also enjoy warmth and sunshine.) 13G 006 XX.XX NS

Feeling of delight and joy as the swallows and house martins have arrived. Sensation of oneness with them in their flying. 15G 005 XX.XX OS

A feeling over the last few days: time and space just to expand, potter and be quiet - not doing very much at all, yet feeling good and soft. Even the homoeopathy work does not oppress me or press in on me. Having space to myself helps me to feel very much closer to myself and centred in my being. 15G 010 XX.XX NS

I am aware of nature, the profusion of wild flowers and insects, the feel of the wind and its sound, the song of the birds, the shadows of clouds across the sun. All these phenomena present a fresh and vibrant tangibility. All this fills me with content, abundance and gratitude. 15G 010 XX.XX OS

My feelings welled up in me and I rushed off into the night with a sleeping bag and spent the night in my car on the moor. 15G 018 XX.XX OS

There needs to be more freshness and more air and space around. 15G 019 XX.XX NS

Wanting space, wanting to be at home, wanting to be alone. 15G 030 XX.XX OS

A feeling of spaciousness and peace, a connection with my feelings and a sense of being really present. 15G 031 XX.XX AS

I felt the need to get away, to go into the mountains. I got in the car and drove to Wales. I went to the mountain where there is a lake associated with a spirit and with legends, it is my place of healing and pilgrimage. It was raining lightly and I climbed very fast. When I got to the lake my heart was pounding very hard. I then had this ecstatic experience or wish. That I should die there right then from a heart attack and my body would remain, an empty shell that would be found later, but my spirit would leave and plunge into the lake and sink through the very cold and very green waters. My spirit would entwine in a completely sensual way with the lithe green spirit of the lady of the lake and we would be entwined like that, in ecstasy forever. Her father, the legendary king of the lake, would no longer be in a position to object as I would be a spirit. It was probably the deepest ecstatic experience that I have had. 22G 000 XX.XX NS


Felt really uncomfortable in the tyre centre, waves of mental detachment coming over me. 02P 004 XX.XX NS

Did have strong anxiety in the bath alone last night. 02P 009 XX.XX IRS

Feel as if I am nervous, contradictory to other feelings. 03P 001 17.00 NS

Felt slightly, self-consciously nervous with a friend. 03P 007 19.00 NS

Very apprehensive. 05P 001 17.00 NS

During the meditation after taking the remedy I felt very scared. 05P 001 17.00 NS

Asked teacher in one break if she had been affected, she said "no" and I said "it's really weird", and thought I was going to cry. She said "Don't worry, it wears off quite quickly". Started to feel more grounded after lunch. 05P 002 12.00 NS

Worried about meditation taking me up again. 05P 002 17.00 NS

Felt cold tingly "hair-raising" type feeling in my head tonight around 8pm, also a sensation of something cold coming out of my head. 05P 004 20.00 NS

Went to neighbours for a drink this evening - felt on the edge of a panic attack all evening, not sure quite why, just this feeling of apprehension. 05P 015 XX.XX OS

I have been having these visions as well, on closing my eyes, of this thing that is around me - I close my eyes and there is something moving about me, I've been trying to see what it is and it has been feeling quite menacing at times, but I am not scared of it, I have been looking for it, I want to meet it and contact it. Other times it didn't feel menacing but it was just large and black, like a torso without arms and legs, but just like a gravestone that is very big and moving about me, just there and it is unusual, but not particularly frightening. 06P 000 XX.XX NS

Very apprehensive that something might happen, about person leaving the room. 06P 001 17.00 NS

As I closed my eyes there was a menacing tall indistinct hammer-shaped presence. 06P 001 XX.XX NS

Wanted to be listened to but didn't want people coming asking if I'm all right. Wanting to be with people but keeping them away. Magnified. Usually open to people. Suspicious of attention though I wanted it. Wanted to be in the spotlight but didn't want it. 06P 002 XX.XX NS

Vision on going to sleep: something large and black, headless, armless torso. Gravestone shape. 06P 022 XX.XX NS

While telling supervisor about how I had revitalised the remedy I got trembly sensation in abdomen and legs, like a shivery tremble, but not cold. Similar to the sensations I had felt when I first took it. 07P 004 20.30 NS

At several stages during the meditation I saw a big platform boot. It seemed dark in colour and I couldn't see the top of it. It was as if I was looking up and I could only see up to the top of the calf of the boot. I didn't want to see the boot, but was not scared of it. It was an irritation because it stopped the feeling on bobbing up and down. 08P 001 17.00 NS

Nervous and afraid we were going to crash. I didn't like it at all. Sure that the driver was going to miss signs and traffic lights. 08P 001 19.00 NS

Immediately after being startled, felt light headed and felt I need something like cake/sugar. No cake in house so had some chocolate. 08P 003 16.30 NS

Quite suddenly, or so it seemed, about 10.30, this spooked, very scared, paranoid feeling came on, like there was somebody threatening about. Partner was out, the children were asleep. I am never usually worried at being in the house alone. Was fearful to go into the children's bedroom. Couldn't get rid of the thought that they had been invaded by body-snatchers and it wasn't really them lying there. Went and had a look eventually and they were sleeping peacefully, but I still felt they could leap up at any moment and attack me. I was concerned for my safety, not theirs (the reverse of usual). Went to do some work on the computer and the feeling subsided, but returned when I went to bed an hour later. This time, the paranoia was about the proving, that the remedy had permeated me and my body, and would be there always and I would never get back to the way I was before, would always have this fear and not be in control of my mind, powerless to do anything about it. Lots of thoughts of this nature (whereas had been fairly thought-free for the last 2 days) and couldn't sleep. Eventually dropped off. 13G 003 22.30 NS

Met my partner for a drink. I began to feel more and more uncomfortable and uneasy. 15G 032 XX.XX NS


I felt my small self "needs" would arise, I could see them quite clearly and objectively and I could allow them or let them go. 01P 001 XX.XX NS

Very happy, but not taken over by it, oddly detached, but I felt grounded and present and in my body, but there was a sense of detachment. 01P 002 XX.XX NS

A real need comes up and I can make a decision straight away, normally I would agonize over my decisions. I'm not just having my auto-response, I'm also having the option to respond or not. 01P 002 XX.XX NS

I became more and more an observer of my situation and myself. 01P 002 XX.XX NS

Detached - I didn't have to act on my emotions or to situation. 02P 001 17.00 NS

Got everything done without usual frenzied morning rush. Felt very relaxed, content doing my housework, not rushed like I usually do, time to play with daughter and still get things done. 02P 003 XX.XX NS

Had a mini-crisis with moving situation, but it didn't get me down. Despondency had lifted and I felt quite calm and optimistic, I am good at resting in optimism. 02P 006 XX.XX CS

There are a lot of themes here around true communication, speaking for the real you and moving. Where does the "inner, sacred you" find its voice to communicate its needs and pains and fears. 02P 012 XX.XX IOS

Woke up totally knackered and spaced but not despondent, rather I had a feeling of real optimism and to take life really moment by moment. It felt peaceful, strongly vulnerable, but nice. 02P 020 XX.XX NS

Daughter has become quite strong willed and obstinate, speaking her mind. I thought this is interesting as the remedy seems to be really about communication and saying what you feel, not selling yourself short. 02P 020 XX.XX NS

He was very upset, angry and unsure, I remained calm, caring and humble, I normally get resentful, emotional and angry. 02P 023 XX.XX NS

Did some chores unusually easily and readily. 03P 003 11.00 NS

I was not troubled by interruptions/intrusions to my thinking/to my space by my wife, or troubled by noise from my son, or troubled by aggravation between son and wife. I remained calm; and could switch easily to incoming data. 03P 004 XX.XX NS

When Misha was doing the Mappa Mundi - usually would have made me feel spacey, lifted me up, whereas it had the opposite affect, grounded me, gave me something to focus on. 05P 002 11.30 NS

I haven't been quite so angry, I am usually quite a passive/aggressive sort of person, I can smash things on my own and get into that victim state and hate people for it and that hasn't happened this month, I haven't been throwing things about my room or hitting my car, head butting my car wheel. 06P 000 XX.XX NS

More organised - tax return, bills. 06P 035 XX.XX CS

Feel there is a clarity or clearness of mind as I sit to do my homework. 07P 003 21.00 NS

Had some visitors coming for a meal. I didn't panic, remained nice and calm, laid back (alcohol didn't give me a lift). Everything fell into place throughout the day. Got on with my homework, didn't get flustered. It's been a great day - it seems as if my calmness has rubbed off on everyone around me! 07P 023 XX.XX NS

I feel clear in my head about things. I want to clear out cupboards and drawers, clear up and tidy up. (After antidoting) 07P 039 XX.XX NS

Very calm and still. 09P 001 17.30 NS

I urged my daughter to identify her wants and stick to them. They were hers and they were valid. 15G 000 XX.XX AS

Feel very clear and direct about conflicts with my partner, a need to defuse situations clearly, without aggression or submission. 15G 000 XX.XX AS

Emotions very moving. an unwillingness to open up and be vulnerable and communicate unless it felt safe and my boundaries would be respected. 15G 000 XX.XX OS

Don't want to get caught in too much doing. 15G 003 XX.XX NS

I have made myself a promise that I will no longer do the hard punishing stuff to myself. I seem to have no worries that really get to me in a hard and unsettling way. 15G 010 XX.XX NS

Strong inner urge to express and be creative. 15G 010 XX.XX RS

It's not that I feel that my emotions are all over the place - they don't feel chaotic in the sense that I can't understand them. It's rather that old and painful places are being exposed to the light, old pain is releasing, and I feel the urge to put a high value on myself in all areas. 15G 019 XX.XX NS

I have had a strange sense of detachment and a sort of cosmic view of things for a while. 15G 019 XX.XX OS

We would drop all expectations and dramas. This means, effectively, that we get out of the addictive dramas of finishing and all the subsequent pain, blame and self-hate. We got away from the fantasy of hope and expectation too, and the patterns of response which cause hurt and inflict punishment. 15G 023 XX.XX NS

Complete focus and energy. 15G 024 XX.XX NS

Strangely I seem to have very little focus on out there, activities or people in the world. I just want to concentrate on what is happening inside. 15G 026 XX.XX RS

Holding to decision to wait and stop in the relationship. Feel steady and firm and unresponsive to the anger and frustration of my partner. Very clear in communicating this, very unflustered. 15G 027 XX.XX NS

I trust that as the minutes and seconds unfold we will become clearer about the right path to take. Until then I will not collapse into drama and despair. 15G 027 XX.XX NS

Why isn't it ok for me to know what to do. Then amazingly calm and centred. like a movie reeling on. 15G 029 XX.XX AS

A sense of looking back over the past 3 years. Guilt, shame, joy, and strength, a summing up. Realising that I have sometimes betrayed and denied myself - deserted myself, through fearful compromise and lack of love. 15G 031 XX.XX AS

It is difficult to say if it is the proving or not, but ever since that day I have felt very free and in charge of my life. I look at situations whereas before I would have been threatened by them and anxious of the outcome, I now think it's OK, no worries. I very much feel centred, knowing that whatever I decide is the right decision. It's almost as if I feel protected, but I can't tell you from what or by what. It's a bit like I feel in charge of my little empire but by the same token my empire is protected and preserved, it's like nothing can really get to me, harm me. 17G 000 XX.XX CS

I remember the following day when the teacher was lecturing us thinking that he had been affected too. My first observation was regarding the hesitation and change of mind on what remedy to lecture on. Having decided on Camphor he proceeded to read at length about it. This is unusual for him. He is usually well grounded regarding his lectures. He usually asks someone else to read due to his dyslexia, but this time he read for a good while without hesitation. 21G 002 XX.XX NS

I came back from college (it was not on, having got the date wrong), not angry or worried as I'd normally be but quite euphoric. 24G 008 XX.XX NS


After an initial high and a kind of opening to the cosmos, the next day I felt balanced and relaxed and safe and confident and spontaneous. 01P 002 XX.XX NS

As I've been mulling over these notes my internal attitude underwent a definite upswing. I didn't realize until this time that I'd been having an underlying sense of futility - with no reason. I'm now experiencing a growing sense of optimism and confidence - notable more by contrast to the sense of "what's the use? " that I'd not been entirely aware of. 01P 009 XX.XX OS

Feeling that brisk "get on with it" feeling that doesn't allow me to sink too far into the mire. 01P 013 07.00 NS

Tired, but in good spirits - I accomplished a lot today, by just doing what I had to do. I feel quite relaxed, confident, the stiffness has gone. All this despite the cold I've got. 01P 020 23.00 NS

I feel less spaced-out, however, and still optimistic, fairly confident overall. The lowness I've been experiencing is more noticeable by its absence. 01P 023 13.00 OS

Noted my confidence level, my level of feeling at ease was greatly boosted when talking to teacher at college. 02P 002 XX.XX NS

Next morning when I awoke I was feeling very confident in my actions, in giving directions, such as with the children "No, you are going to school today and you are going to swimming" not resulting in me being heavy or argumentative which usually happens when I try to carry out some authoritative thing and not feeling fluffy and unsure, debating in my head what I should do; just quietly calm about it. 02P 003 09.00 NS

Despondency had lifted and I felt quite calm and optimistic, I am good at resting in optimism. 02P 006 XX.XX NS

Partner is away but I feel no anxiety at all in the house. 02P 008 XX.XX CS

An iron shield around me. 02P 010 XX.XX NS

The communication aspect of the proving is intense, of really speaking for yourself. She said both of her daughters had developed sore throats after speaking up for themselves in the home. 02P 021 XX.XX NS

Very occasionally my energy is up and walls are down, less terrified (during this proving I have been defensive sexually, and found myself clawing and biting to be left alone) and I feel able to be sexually playful. 02P 040 XX.XX IOS

Extremely and coolly assertive, with telephone salesman. 03P 003 19.00 NS

Got a phone call from someone wanting reflexology, didn't feel nervous about it. 03P 005 16.00 NS

Think husband is getting an effect - he rang his ex (bastard) business partner, who he hasn't spoken to on the phone for 3-4 years, since split, about this (hopefully) last bill - He sounded really authoritative, assertive - his ex-partner didn't recognise him. 05P 002 20.00 NS

Not feeling quite as "up". Slightly anxious about new MD's "visit to the troop" but not too much. Raced around a bit and tidied (sort of ) my desk. Found his "Who are you? What do you do?" questions a bit aggressive but felt quite calm. Stood up to him when he said the department seemed large, and said I thought it was small. I realised he was going to give everyone a grilling from earlier when I went into another department and saw him in action. Said to operators, watch out, he's grilling everyone, one of them said "well he can grill all he likes" in that way which really gets up my nose, and I said "yes he can, he's the MD", which shut him up. 05P 004 11.00 NS

I think I'm a bit bossy at work - this is not normal. 05P 004 XX.XX NS

Feel there's something addictive about whatever this is. I'm not feeling euphoric as I was the beginning of the week and I'm pissed off about it, want some more and would take another one if I could. Made me feel so great on Monday. Still feel better than usual, happier and expressing anger more easily, but it's not so strong as Monday. 05P 006 XX.XX NS

Rather than trying to avoid confrontation, which is what I usually do, I'm not. 05P 008 XX.XX NS

Suddenly got into a very "organizing" mood at work, setting up meetings for the rest of the week. Did an induction with a new person, which I usually hate, but actually enjoyed this one. 05P 011 XX.XX NS

In my work, I work with teenagers, I have been feeling very assertive, quite aggressive. If there is aggression energy around I usually get really hurt by it. I was working with sixteen teenagers on a bouncy castle and they were being really sexual and really aggressive, and I felt really ready to stand up to them and say "come on you're not going to fuck me about" as they usually do. I felt really confident to actually look them in the eyes and meet their energy and say look, "I'm not scared of you", and feeling like I've had quite a lot of respect for that as well, because I've been standing up to them. Some of the kids I work with in the playgroup - the really difficult ones are respecting me more because I have been really concentrating on being together and assertive. 06P 000 XX.XX NS

At work, there was no nonsense today. A bit more power. Loss of control with children taking me for granted. I want to be on their level but today I was more in charge. 06P 004 XX.XX CS

Work pretty good. Quite in control. Dealt with a defiant girl, challenging behaviour. 06P 005 XX.XX CS

Felt confident. Playgroup good. Very physical, rugby tackling. The boys went manic tackling then too tired. Enjoyed physical scrapping and bundling on the floor. I feel a lot less worried. When people used to come up and playfight I used to get a feeling of aggression but today was on that physical aggressive level. Used to bottle up and then explode. Not assertive, bottling then exploding. I stand up for myself better, more confident. I don't get messed around as much as I did. Not getting so nasty - the nasty reaction hasn't been there. 06P 007 XX.XX CS

Focused this weekend. Usually don't talk or get on with things, but this time sorted out the attic, got down to things. Sorted out Dad's clothes. Enjoyed the sun. Contrast to last weekend when unfocused. House to sell, feels like it's not really happening but this weekend got more done. 06P 009 XX.XX CS

In the evening, resigned from band. Felt good. 06P 018 XX.XX CS

Wanted to organize things which have been left festering. 06P 019 XX.XX NS

Feel very assertive and tough with rough youths at youth club. 06P 027 XX.XX CS

Feel freer during masturbation, fear of making a mess disappeared. 06P 05 XX.XX NS

Absence of the usual anxiety. I feel that I've loosened up. 07P 001 19.00 NS

On receiving the homework sheet, I could see there was a lot of work, but it didn't throw me into the usual panic. Great! 07P 002 17.00 NS

My Dad arrives at work, I haven't seen him for four months - he's been abroad. On talking he starts to ask me about the holiday we have booked. He is coming up with all sorts of problems that he can foresee. Normally this would have made me very anxious and lead to feelings of panic. I remained unharassed and calm. I think this irritated him. He is not used to me having a laid back attitude to things. I found I could stand back and view him in a different light; I felt detached. 07P 003 10.30 NS

Saw my homoeopath, felt nervous but very relaxed and at ease. Told her I felt younger, regenerated. 07P 003 16.30 NS

Still feeling more laid back than usual - feel relaxed and in control. I don't feel stirrings of irritability or anger at the kids at school. Just take everything in my stride. 07P 004 XX.XX NS

Travel to London. Normally I would have been anxious about the whole weekend; journey, accommodation, food. I felt very laid back about the whole thing. I was prepared to let it all take its course and unfold. It was amazing for me to see that not worrying about everything was possible. Everything went very smoothly and fell into place. I love the more relaxed approach the remedy has given me. 07P 014 16.00 NS

I approached the Head today to sort out my hours for September to fit in with college. He was very adaptable and open to suggestion. 07P 022 19.00 NS

Still feeling confident, not being knocked by things. Confidence makes me even more assertive with kids at school than usual. 07P 026 XX.XX NS

Someone was quite pushy at one point and I would not have it. I remember saying NO very emphatically and then moving out of his space as I didn't like the feeling he had around him. I went to stand next to someone else which felt much better. Usually I would get very annoyed if someone was pushy with me and feel very annoyed for some time. 08P 001 22.00 NS

Calm but serious. 09P 001 17.00 NS

Very bossy mood but calm. 09P 001 XX.XX NS

I had the courage in staff meeting to say I would not teach on Thursday. 09P 003 XX.XX NS

Felt more confident in situation at homoeopathic clinic. Have been feeling more confident and clear-thinking generally since the proving. 09P 006 18.00 NS

Still feel more confident than before. 09P 007 XX.XX NS

Still feel calmer than I might otherwise do given the stresses of work. 09P 009 XX.XX NS

Kept calm about people coming to stay for seminar. I would have felt the need to tidy up and cut the grass before the remedy, so calming aspect of the remedy is still there. 09P 014 XX.XX NS

Felt great in the evening (would normally be tired and headachey after a Saturday at Wick). 13G 001 20.00 NS

Kind of fearlessness and not worrying about things - unselfconscious, more confidence. 13G 003 XX.XX NS

I refuse to be beaten or blackmailed by manipulative behaviour. 15G 000 XX.XX AS

Strangely enough, although having this strong cold/flu I feel incredibly strong, well-balanced and secure and optimistic in my feelings. This is unusual as I would normally be quite down with such unpleasant physical symptoms. 15G 003 XX.XX CS

I feel enthusiasm and optimism and an unusual lack of worry or stress. 15G 010 XX.XX CS

Strong and happy feelings inside. An unusual lack of anxiety, stress, pressure and worry. 15G 010 XX.XX CS

A feeling that I am only capable of taking things one step at a time, making choice only out of a place where I truly know the right direction. 15G 031 XX.XX AS

When I reached home I was on a high, mentally and physically. I thought about various issues of importance taking place in my life, but somehow I felt that there was no longer any problems around any of them. I felt free and empowered but I didn't know why. It just felt great. 17G 000 XX.XX NS

Lastly I think that I have become more discerning and perceptive at seeing where other people come from and I have shown more patience and understanding in daily life. I am not so much in a hurry, I just know I will get there. 17G 000 XX.XX NS

Feeling so great about life on the whole I decided to ring a friend of mine and free myself of what I had wanted to say for a good number of months. As a result my friend came to see me later on and I further unloaded what I had been so careful to keep to myself. Doing so left my friend a bit puzzled, but it was great for me as I had wanted to do this for quite while. Doing this left me feeling strong, in charge and very free it also left me feeling clean within. 17G 001 XX.XX NS

Really bossy. 17G 002 XX.XX NS

Desire to wear all black most of the time. People commented I looked hard, threatening scary. Haven't worn all black for about ten years because I found it heavy and depressing. 24G 000 XX.XX OS

Swearing and squandering

Felt really bitching on the way home, being bitchy made me laugh, and I felt better for bitching/laughing (not so scared). 05P 001 19.00 NS

Was livid at lunchtime, but made myself smile. My language is dreadful at the moment! 05P 006 13.00 NS

Still swearing too much. 05P 007 XX.XX NS

Gave my father a good bollocking this morning (I've never heard her use language like this before. Supervisor) My language has got worse - I do swear, but it's got much worse. I gave him a good talking to - he tried to get off the phone a couple of times but I said 'No'. Wouldn't usually talk to him quite like that - quite bossy, to be perfectly honest. 05P 008 XX.XX NS

Went on a wild spending spree. Spent hundred of pounds, video, duvet (that I'd wanted for two years but didn't get because it was so expensive). No thought of how much it was costing spending made me feel wildly exhilarated. This flipped over very suddenly into the black hand, chaos, abandoned, whiskey thing. 24G 000 XX.XX NS


Mood irritable this afternoon - but that happens, I had a lot to do. 01P 016 XX.XX RS

I continued doing things - mood is irritable - very irritated with partner, life's little upsets etc. but I'm not low or depressed. 01P 023 10.45 NS

I am still so irritable and I see that I have been more than usually irritable at the silly vicissitudes of life. 01P 029 06.10 NS

Irritable I have noticed an increased degree of irritation with a decreased ability to control it. I hope it is the depression transforming to anger (that would be nice). 01P 029 XX.XX NS

Felt very stroppy. 02P 002 XX.XX NS

I have become aware that I normally think of it as weak to be soft and loving - I wasn't always like this but in the last few years I have had to become more assertive to be able to be me at all. In an unthinking state I generally act in a soft way but if I am put in a situation of having to back down on an issue, to give up something I want to do for instance, then I feel myself harden up and feel NO WAY, WHY SHOULD I? And I feel this feeling towards other female friends, when I sense they are having to back down I feel very defensive towards them. 02P 040 XX.XX NS

My son pushed me down to the ground. I reacted so indignantly and angrily over something so small and playful. I told him I felt the whole family just used me and abused me, took me for granted and that I felt like just walking off and leaving them. He then told me how much they all loved me and how even if I left or if his Dad left that we would always be family (he is only nine). Although I feel trapped I felt his words tapping into my heart and I walked back to the car with him. 02P 058 XX.XX NS

Have felt quite vulnerable and hysterical, erupting into fits of emotion. 02P 060 XX.XX IRS

I felt as if I had built up agitation, which I really wanted to express but felt I could not. It keeps on continuously building up. I feel aggressive, angry and agitated. 04P 000 XX.XX NS

Got rid of a junk call straight away this morning, Feel quite happy. Got quite stroppy with one of the salesmen, he kept on questioning every thing we do on quotes, the internet, etc., with one of my operators, demanding quotes (not saying please!) wanting to know why we do things like this, and why don't we buy PC parts out of magazines, and why does it cost this much, on and on. I just flipped, and turned round and interrupted him, very short, very sharp, he looked amazed and a bit frightened of me, and started being a lot more polite. 05P 003 11.00 NS

It's fast (the anger), it's up and it's out, comes up from my stomach and it's out of my mouth and it's gone. 05P 008 XX.XX NS

Bit manic this morning - blitzed the bedroom and the office (bombsite) and sorted out all my college notes. 05P 008 XX.XX NS

Felt very pissed off all day, probably because it was such a lovely day to be stuck at work. 05P 013 XX.XX NS

Feel very bad tempered this afternoon. 05P 015 XX.XX NS

Still feel quite a lot of anger and irritation and expressing it. Used to suppress it before taking remedy - have always viewed it as being a bad thing and hold it back, make myself smile. I haven't been doing that, haven't tried to put a nice face on it and be likable with it and not rock the boat. 05P 018 XX.XX NS

Very bad tempered today and very tense. Feel I could explode, I feel very vindictive and destructive. 05P 020 XX.XX NS

Very angry and tense today. Can`t get comfortable, don`t feel comfortable. This evening someone is doing work in the next chalet. Every thud went through me, it was like an assault, felt extremely cross, really could have given them a piece of my mind. Very very angry!!! 05P 024 XX.XX NS

I'm not going to play the victim - I'm going to stand up to these people - they are not going to fuck me about' sort of feeling. 06P 000 XX.XX NS

Angry in the evening about a committee meeting I had to go to and I'd been told the wrong address. I had a bit of a scream. Still affected by it. 06P 006 XX.XX RS

A boy jumped me from behind. I managed not to kick him. Threw him on the ground. My reaction surprised me. 06P 014 XX.XX NS

Irritable with husband (usual PMT type of tension). Not as bad as it usually is. Much calmer than usual. 07P 006 15.00 RS

I have responded with irritation and anger when I have felt that my boundaries have been under threat, or when challenged. This has occurred too when I have felt that others have been ripped off or taken advantage of. 15G 019 XX.XX AS

I felt very angry and manipulated. 15G 021 XX.XX NS


My partner and I had become "indifferent" to one another (ie. not intimate). this relationship was being affected by the drug from the beginning. 01P 000 XX.XX NS

I arrived home from Bath at 9:30 PM. My partner and I are often very "strange" with each other (shy, treating each other as strangers) after a separation. I was very detached, self-absorbed with observation, not particularly interested in him. Vaguely interested in how I'd get on tomorrow. 01P 002 XX.XX OS

I avoided company all day except in walk to store, when I was irritated by noise and people's proximity. 01P 003 XX.XX NS

I didn't sleep well because partner and I had a terrible row and I slept with daughter. I was cold and scared. 02P 003 XX.XX IRS

I realized I had a whole catalogue of events I could justify my resentment and coldness or protectiveness towards my partner with. But what I had allowed myself to bear, to accept, to heap upon myself made me feel humiliated and shameful and made making love to my partner seem cheap. I couldn't ignore the mirror, its reflection was clear and intense. I felt like I had turned into a monster who maybe didn't love anybody but was cold. I work to make everybody like me and to seem compassionate but really I was just a cold hard monster. The image is so strong the suicidal thoughts come on again. 02P 019 XX.XX NS

He is very demanding sexually and I feel paralysed, unable to trust and let go. 02P 041 XX.XX IRS

Feel calmer with partner than since proving began, but still very unnatural, unable to be me. 02P 052 XX.XX IOS

I still don't feel sexually open at all, but I'm not feeling hostile with partner, rather more detached yet compassionate, listening to him, being there. 02P 057 XX.XX OS

We had a bad night of feeling cold and angry towards each other, with partner being quite aggressive. 02P 058 XX.XX IOS

I feel paralysed on the sexual level and it is almost a relief when we don't have sex because of my obstacles. I'm not happy about this. I feel ugly and my body looks ugly. My partner has dubbed me the ICE QUEEN. 02P 060 XX.XX IOS

As well as feeling cold emotionally and mentally I have felt icy cold physically as well, even under the covers at night. 02P 077 XX.XX NS

Felt better for bitching about x - would normally feel dreadful about that, but I just didn't feel anything. 05P 001 18.00 NS

Felt really cold and shivering. 05P 002 XX.XX NS

Felt spacey, cold uncertain. 06P 002 XX.XX NS

Didn't bother to see Mum this weekend, didn't feel guilty (usually do feel guilty). 06P 009 XX.XX NS

Seminar ends. I have enjoyed it, its been a fantastic experience but there is an absence of the usual joy in the solar plexus, as if it is deadened. I know I should be feeling joy, but the feeling and therefore the expression is absent. Upon reflection of the last two weeks, that's why I haven't been feeling the usual "hurts". My emotions seem numb. The reactions don't come. It reminds me of how I felt on anti-depressants 20 years ago. For the first time I'm starting to resent the action of the remedy. It's been great not to feel the usual anxieties and react to things in an over-sensitive way, but now that I can feel it affecting my reactions to positive things as well, I resent it. 07P 016 17.30 NS

I feel great frustration doing my homework. I wanted to feel angry, I wanted to cry, neither of these emotions could be raised in me enough to be expelled. 07P 021 21.00 NS

A parent comes into school angry about an injury to her child, she felt he had been bullied. I remained calm, detached, almost coldly so. I felt very protective of the teacher, I felt an almost animal instinct to rise up to the parent and protect the teacher. I dealt with the situation rationally. After she had gone, I was pleased to feel slight stirrings of anger within me, I could feel cross about it - so I can still feel! It's as if before the remedy I could over-react to things, now I find I don't over-react, which has its advantages. I can think more clearly in situations of emotional involvement. 07P 022 15.30 NS

Received a phone call loaded with family problems. It didn't affect me in the usual way. I could remain detached, distant from it all. I didn't take it all on board. I was able to reflect on it all, sort it out in my head and let it go. Very unusual for me. 07P 024 11.00 NS

Ring my sister to discuss the weekend with my Dad and how it had gone. She tells me at the end of the conversation that she is so glad to have me back again. She has felt that I have been very distant from her. It has concerned her and she had not liked it. The closeness we have, she said, had gone. Our conversation tonight was the first time she had felt close to me since I started the proving. This made me think that I perhaps distanced myself to protect myself. If you can detach yourself from situations then maybe it acts as a numbing, or do the two things happen separately but help each other? My sister is usually the bearer of lots of unhappy situations within my family and I usually take on all her hurts and upsets. The proving enabled me to be protected from all those problems and not to "feel" them. It was quite useful occasionally to her in providing cold reason, it is easier to be objective about emotional upsets if you are detached, and not actually feeling the pain. (After antidoting.) 07P 040 XX.XX NS

A strange, unfeeling, benumbed state - a sense of inevitability. 15G 000 XX.XX NS

A strange unwillingness to get involved with intellectual or heady things or matters, it is quite hard to actually sit down and study. 15G 010 XX.XX NS

A feeling of isolation and coldness inside. Shutting down to the outside world, separation from my partner. 15G 015 XX.XX NS

A major argument which culminated in my partner moving out the following day, after three years of being together. Strangely enough I'm not in the least concerned, angry or upset by any of this. It has a strange detached inevitability about it - like some movie spool unreeling in the focused light to its finish. 15G 020 XX.XX NS

I don't feel any anger at all. 15G 027 XX.XX NS

Felt like crying when I got home but I couldn't. 15G 032 XX.XX AS

I feel totally used, abused and humiliated by my instincts, by nature itself. My partner's desire seems to be formed by her cycle and her hormones and has nothing to do with love or desire. Yet my responses are outside of my control and when she wants I will respond whether I want to or not. This makes me keep my distance, act coldly, lest through nature she takes things out of my hands. 22G 000 XX.XX IOS

Didn't want any involvement with anyone, couldn't initiate a conversation because I felt that I had nothing to say, couldn't think of anything to say. I could respond if people spoke to me but not an active engagement as I normally would. Have felt like this before when depressed, but not depressed this time, felt nothing. 24G 000 XX.XX AS

Detached, totally cut off from emotions, no emotional connection with other people, just didn't feel anything. 24G 000 XX.XX IRS

According to boyfriend I actively avoided any physical contact. Going around the kitchen to avoid touching him in passing. No sexual desire at all, very averse. 24G 000 XX.XX NS

According to boyfriend facial expression was "don't bother me", "don't engage me". Body language apparently closed, folded arms, legs crossed away. I'd get physical things between me and him, tables, hug cushions, sit away from him instead of touching him as I usually would. 24G 000 XX.XX NS

Maybe the frozen brain can't analyse, can't do academic work thing was due to the fact that I couldn't access words in my memory. It was like calling up the menu on the computer but the files aren't there, or can't be accessed. 24G 000 XX.XX NS

Normally quite introspective and analytical, but didn't want to analyse how I felt at all, very averse to it. Didn't want to analyse anything, found college work and academic work in my job impossible, as if my brain had frozen like my emotions, everything felt frozen. Yet my body temperature was greatly increased, normally quite cold, but became very warm, particularly in bed at night. 24G 000 XX.XX NS


Tried to do some computer stuff - failed but not frustrated - felt good most of the day. 01P 004 XX.XX NS

I notice that I'm doing more household chores, without it being a chore. 03P 005 16.00 NS

Told we had a meeting with the new MD - thought, well, if I don't like the way it's going to be, I'll just leave. 05P 003 10.00 NS

Wasn't bothered about being angry. 05P 006 XX.XX NS

Felt timeless, not caring 06P 001 XX.XX RS

In the afternoon lost it at Playgroup with a girl. Pulled her off the wall angrily. Felt like whacking her. Apologized an hour later. Felt quite good. Does frighten me though. Severe. Didn't feel remorse. 06P 022 XX.XX NS

Drove to Bath. Erratic driving, I seem to be driving dangerously close to other cars but I don't care. I giggle to myself. I feel full of confidence. I know I will get safely to Bath, there is no question about it, I feel no danger. I park in Bath, wait for my husband, I don't feel threatened by the people wandering about. I feel safe. I lock the car doors out of habit. 07P 001 18.30 NS

I note that there are lots of family dynamics going on but I am remaining detached from them. I'm not being affected in the usual way. I can stand back from it all and not get wound up by it all. My sister is amazed at it - she wants some of the remedy. 07P 010 19.00 NS

Teacher is grouchy with me because I was talking to a colleague for a while. My normal reaction would have been remorse at meeting her disapproval (I can't bear to meet with disapproval or snubbing). I felt the remedy and its numbing of my emotions protected me from my usual feelings and although I was bothered by it, it didn't hurt. I could let us go in a detached, matter of fact way. 07P 018 09.30 NS

Feelings of flatness again, no joy. Not depressed, but not happy either. 07P 021 18.00 NS

Teacher is grouchy with me because I was talking to a colleague for a while. My normal reaction would have been remorse at meeting her disapproval (I can't bear to meet with disapproval or snubbing). I felt the remedy and its numbing of my emotions protected me from my usual feelings and although I was bothered by it, it didn't hurt. I could let us go in a detached, matter of fact way. 08P 001 23.30 NS

Felt quite calm at work despite problems, joked about problems and they didn't get to me the way they would normally. 08P 004 XX.XX NS

Complete lack of sexual desire. Even when partner was keen, I really didn't want to - thought 'Oh, do leave me alone' and then 'Oh, get on with it then'. NO feeling at all - SO unlike me. 13G 000 XX.XX NS

No strength of feeling, no pain, no joy, no sorrow, no delight. Sense of futility bout the relationship, but no anger. That I feel none of the following emotions is strange. No anger, no resentment, no yearning, no delight, no love, no sense of hope, nor of grievance. 15G 015 XX.XX AS

My partner moved her things out of our house. I talked to a friend who was visiting with her daughter. My partner was packing her things while we talked downstairs. The whole thing was so surreal and strange. A strange feeling of calm and inevitability. 15G 021 XX.XX NS

Small and vulnerable

Feeling as if top of my head is open. 01P 001 17.00 NS

I am aware that I'm just whining and not keeping this diary to an order. This is not "new" for me - but for the most part, when I have experienced something similar it has it's roots in what I am experiencing in my life... ie. a lack of control, despair over some issue. 01P 003 XX.XX OS

Vagueness. Quite detached. Filled with doubt. 01P 005 XX.XX NS

I feel smaller than usual. Usually I feel really big. I'm just thinking about how small I have become. 02P 001 17.00 NS

I am a bit worried about my level of disorganization, that I won't be able to record things in a thorough enough manner. I'm so chaotic. I've found myself not trusting myself as to what I am perceiving, feeling like a liar, this is my base state. 02P 001 XX.XX RS

Feel I'm in a different space from everyone else. 02P 002 10.00 NS

When I got home to partner who was feeling moody and angry I felt very centred, detached yet caring, not emotional. Felt like I was there for him without my own baggage. He found this very clinical and it annoyed him. I lost this space when he started to accuse me of being unfeeling and unloving. I started to feel emotional and resentful, despondent. 02P 002 20.30 IOS

Felt like I was sitting in the car, being observed, like a goldfish in a fish bowl. 02P 004 XX.XX NS

Usually have background fear of cancer, haven't had any fear of cancer, haven't even thought of it. 02P 005 XX.XX CS

This afternoon I felt a bit like a lost, fragile, little girl, unconfident, unsure. 02P 007 XX.XX OS

Found it hard to come out from behind a wall. 02P 013 XX.XX NS

Last night we just talked and we both felt so defenceless that neither of us felt defensive and argumentative. 02P 019 XX.XX NS

The theme of moving in the remedy seems applicable to both of us. Me actually moving moving house and finding it traumatic, and for supervisor movement within the house, from room to room, to define each others' space. 02P 021 XX.XX NS

Partner called up very late and seems like he had come off of our phone conversation feeling very insecure, vulnerable and unsure, perhaps this is the opposite pole of the remedy. 02P 023 XX.XX NS

Woke up feeling vulnerable and scared. Having a wrestle with the kids, the eldest's strength overwhelmed me and I instinctively bit him really hard on the chest. That freaked me out and partner pointed out how I had been doing this for the past two months. Whenever he approached me I would act terrified and either claw or bite him. His chest and back are covered in claw marks. 02P 058 XX.XX NS

Very tired so I leant back to have a sleep. Partner got very angry and accused me of always being tired when I was with him. Felt despairing and despondent. Levelled out, got the children to bed but felt extremely tired. Partner opened up, talking. Then I got up to go to bed and he leapt at me to stop me. I felt totally and utterly terrified, crossed my arms over my chest and ran to hide under my sleeping bag - the whole proving state was intensely upon me again. 02P 058 XX.XX NS

It's as if I'm nervous. 03P 001 17.00 RS

I felt like time has run out for opportunities in life, like I have used up all my opportunities, that there are no more opportunities on my side. 04P 000 XX.XX NS

I found myself aimlessly wandering, not sure what I was doing or what I was meant to be doing. I was totally confused. 04P 000 XX.XX NS

Fear of hallucinating. 05P 001 17.00 NS

Felt really frightened about hallucinating. Wanted to get up and leave several times, just run away. As people started talking I kept thinking "what have I done ". Everyone kept laughing and I tried to but I felt so scared, and very isolated. I felt slightly better when Misha said it wasn't hallucinatory. 05P 001 17.00 NS

I felt very scared and alone, like I can't connect with people, everyone having a great time and I felt very alone. It was extreme fear, I was terrified of everything, wanted to get away from everyone. It was more frightening to see everyone so happy, because I felt so isolated.. In the end it was the laughter which brought me back and I was alright after that. But can see the other side of this, the downside must be very depressed and alone. 05P 001 XX.XX NS

Went to another site this after noon, felt uncomfortable, sweatyish, panicky. Felt a bit of a fraud, wondered if I had disappointed people. 05P 004 XX.XX OS

Worry about everything, work, course, panic attacks, everything. 05P 009 XX.XX NS

It really is a pig (the effects of the remedy 'wearing off') - like glimpsing a side of yourself and losing it, glimpsing a possibility and then it going. 05P 010 XX.XX NS

Having some problems with my speech very aware of how badly I speak, leaving ends off words, being aware of it is making my vocabulary very restricted. I feel I sound stupid. 05P 012 XX.XX NS

Very "edgy" all day. Felt quite tearful this morning when I was packing. 05P 022 XX.XX NS

Feel overwhelmed by work, it truly is an awful toxic place, and we are all being poisoned by it. 05P 029 XX.XX OS

I have been feeling on the verge of tears quite a lot, but haven't really got there yet. 06P 000 XX.XX NS

Panicky. 06P 001 17.00 NS

Fear of being poisoned. 06P 001 17.00 OS

Felt vulnerable to children. Worried. I am usually susceptible to their cruelty. Then I thought stuff it. 06P 002 XX.XX CS

Woke in terror, sat up in a jolt. Fell asleep again. Tired dreaming, not quite sure what's going on. 06P 002 XX.XX OS

Feeling little, lacking confidence. Noticed a square flower/plant box in the middle of the pavement. Asking for someone coming along to kick it. Exposed. Worried about it. Feeling sensitive and vulnerable. 06P 006 XX.XX NS

Tidied room. Mess made me feel anxious. 06P 014 XX.XX RS

Real rush. Like wading through water, things held me back. Couldn't get anywhere, told people. 06P 014 XX.XX RS

Fear of being seen in bed in the morning. 06P 025 XX.XX NS

Gig in evening. Shy, anxious. 06P 028 XX.XX NS

We had Clinic this afternoon. I feel very drained and tired. I feel empty and despondent. I think this is because of a disappointment in myself. Clinic seemed quite a challenge and I didn't feel I rose to it. 07P 027 18.30 OS

I'm feeling disappointed in myself at the moment - homework not finished - I'm feeling over-challenged. I cry and the release helps. I'm so pleased to be able to cry so easily. 07P 029 12.30 OS

Rang a friend to check her address. She listened to my story. I expressed my concern over the remedy leaving an imprint on me. She was great and told me to make a positive decision not to let it take control. She said say an affirmation "I am in control, enough is enough, I don't want to play any more, I'm digesting you and letting you go". This was such a help, I realised that I was allowing myself to be the victim instead of taking control of my situation. I felt sure now that with a remedy I would rid myself of this thing. 07P 034 21.00 NS

Got in the car, got a bit lost. Vans overtaking seemed too close. 08P 001 XX.XX NS

Some of it felt dream like, as if I wasn't there at all. 08P 001 XX.XX NS

Woke up thinking about youth and age, to do with East West axis. 09P 003 07.00 NS

Felt very lacking in intelligence compared with the other students during chat. Not a new symptom but I felt it more strongly perhaps. 09P 014 XX.XX IRS

The people beside me got bigger and I moved away. 10G 001 17.00 NS

The anniversary of my father's birthday (he died 6 years ago). I felt strongly sad and wistful. Missed him a lot and felt a contact with him. I felt vulnerable inside, like a child that doesn't know the ways of the world and is constantly shocked and surprised by people's meanness and lack of integrity. 15G 017 XX.XX NS

Emotions feel very vulnerable and exposed, almost childlike. 15G 018 XX.XX NS

I can't reason or think well either. The thoughts just don't seem to hold. 15G 019 XX.XX NS

I feel that everything needs to be thrown up in the air, and then start again. 15G 019 XX.XX NS

I felt very stunned and hurt. This felt like emotional blackmail and also a horrible threat. 15G 021 XX.XX NS

Irritation that a very good friend did not really offer by support. 15G 026 XX.XX NS

I feel powerless to act. Things must run their course, and my child inside must not sabotage with needy crying, drama and rushing to the phone. 15G 032 XX.XX NS

Experienced this as a wobbly feeling around the heart visualised as a hole filled with golden syrup in the otherwise smooth surface of her wholeness. Didn't want this. 23G 000 XX.XX RS

Everything went wrong at work, some students hadn't entered exam, coursework forms I had filled in were for wrong year, board wouldn't accept them, no current forms left, not time to get new ones. 24G 000 XX.XX NS

Everything seemed to have turned to chaos. 24G 008 XX.XX NS

Hemmed in

I am holding back from saying things. 01P 001 17.00 NS

I was very irritable. Noises especially seemed to annoy me. Irritated by people and noise, avoided company, didn't answer the phone, wanted to be on my own. 01P 003 XX.XX NS

Had a really bad day. Really heavy arguments with partner all morning. 02P 004 XX.XX IOS

Feel unable to do my studying, partly because I'm tired, also because I feel cramped, like I have to move around partner's moods all the time. 02P 005 XX.XX IOS

Partner reacted badly to my tiredness last night he wanted me to bounce back to life when he decided it was time to get off the computer. I felt so tired, slept deeply all night, we all slept in. This morning partner started making comments about me being distant and I became quite protective and pulled back - it all went wrong. This isn't unusual but partner does feel that I am very unstable at the moment and it seems to be rubbing off on him. 02P 007 XX.XX NS

I feel cramped. Like there is absolutely no space for me. 02P 010 XX.XX IOS

Hemmed in feeling - cramps - have to fight for any space of my own. 02P 010 XX.XX IOS

Partner wants all my time and attention. We have a fundamental disagreement, he thinks we're one, I think we're two. 02P 010 XX.XX NS

Things feel very heavy again. It is a week before my period should come, though these have been all over the place for the last 6mos and usaully I'm premenstrual for a day or two. Feel very aware of how I can only grab time. I feel like I'm missing something, everything is passing me by, its a very premenstrual feeling. Arguing with partner, said I would leave, packed my bag, was at the door. 02P 010 XX.XX NS

Feel cramped in my life, intensely so over the past two weeks. 02P 013 XX.XX IOS

Walls are protective in a hard way. Last few weeks I feel penned in, the walls of the pen have come in close. Trying to stand back from rattling the cage, not do anything overt. 02P 013 XX.XX IOS

Had a lovely calm dinner with friend and when we left and I talked of my situation with my partner, I started shaking. 02P 016 XX.XX NS

Remained feeling very caged, trapped and wary with partner. Terrified, not sure, how he is going to be with me. 02P 041 XX.XX NS

I could forcibly assert myself and go yet this home life makes me feel trapped. 02P 057 XX.XX IOS

I feel like that reined in wild stallion who is terrified and has to fight free. I became totally detached and very angry and vengeful even though I knew these were wasted feelings. 02P 057 XX.XX NS

Went off for a walk on Dartmoor. I wanted to run off, but couldn't because of the family - they were there and need me to be there. I didn't feel into their company or into playing. 02P 057 XX.XX NS

For the past few months the family has felt like such a burden, making me feel irritable and tense. 02P 058 XX.XX NS

Feel like getting out of here and running. 05P 001 17.00 NS

There was an element of feeling trapped - a certain amount of 'oh, you're the expert' even though I'd explained I didn't know how to use the spread sheet, haven't done any training. 05P 006 XX.XX NS

Saw my therapist. On the verge of tears but not quite. Talking. The crying doesn't want to get out. 06P 004 XX.XX RS

Got home and cried (unusual for me to be able to cry). My daughter is heavy work at the moment and she's draining me. 07P 007 16.00 AS

Feel more worried now about all the work that I have to do. 09P 012 XX.XX OS

She is trying to use her feelings to push me into a corner, but I know that this is because she feels so unsure with herself, so abandoned and angry. I feel that I cannot take on her feelings. I cannot allow her pain to dominate and push me around. 15G 027 XX.XX RS

Regret about the whole relationship thing. Last night on the phone she said she wanted to move back in. I felt like a prison door was clanging behind me. 15G 030 XX.XX AS

Obsessed with how long everything would take, even things where this wasn't really appropriate at all. Someone might do a doodle or write a list of things to do and I'd ask how long it took to do it. 24G 000 XX.XX NS

Controlled by an alien

Talk to my Dad about my laid back attitude and how I think it is the proving. He tells me he has the same attitude now. He says "that he has a don't care attitude, he just lets things happen, he's not worrying about things weeks ahead, just living each day, whatever will be will be". I couldn't believe it, it was just as I had felt on the proving remedy. He met me just two days after I took the remedy, at a time when he was very open and vulnerable. It goes through my mind like a shot - have I infected him with the remedy? 07P 000 XX.XX NS

On Sunday at college I felt I homed in on all negative energies that were around and they were all adding to the weird sensation I was feeling in my solar plexus. I was being numbed more and more but they weren't being dealt with and let go of, they were getting stuck in my guts and sitting there. It was a horrible feeling and it was controlling me. The pain was all in there but it wasn't being expressed. 07P 031 XX.XX NS

I feel confusion about what's going on. Is it me or is it the remedy? I feel sick to my stomach - low down in solar plexus area. Something is stirring at the very core of me holding on to my feelings and emotions, engulfing them. I feel sick, frightened, trapped. My legs feel weak. I want to cry. Something alien is going on - it's not me - but is it? I feel as if I'm going mad, divided. I want "it" to come out. I feel as if I could be sick and throw "it" up and out, but "it" would have to come from right deep down, "it" is putting out tentacles. I feel disgusted by its presence. It's trying to control me. "It" is a parasite, draining me, a leech, a slug. "It" is slimy and wet and "it" is growing bigger. "It" is real to me and resembles an octopus type creature, something that lives in the depths of the oceans. "It" has got a hold of me and "it" won't let go. It is trying to take me over. 07P 033 19.00 NS

The cat brings in a large frog. I hear it scream and go to investigate. I find it horrifying to see this slimy wet creature in my house. Its fear and its screaming add to my horror. I just want it out but I can't bear that I might touch it. I want to cry to let out my emotions but it doesn't come, I just try to catch it with a dustpan and a lid and I'm expressing verbally all my disgust and horror at it all to the cat. I'm so cross with her. I catch it and shudder at the thought of it touching me. I fling it to safety. This whole incident echoed all my feelings of the creature I felt was in me. I noticed how deeply the idea of that poor frog terrified, trapped unable to escape, affected me - more than usual. I recovered quickly and went to bed. I lay in bed, the flutterings in my side a constant reminder that the creature was still inside. I can put it out of my head and go to sleep. Seeing the cat attacking this poor creature is appalling to me. Its screams go right through me. I know it's the cat's instincts but I feel particularly horrified by it. The cat has brought in frogs before but tonight my feelings are stronger than usual. 07P 033 23.30 NS

I start to feel anxious. This thing is nocturnal - it starts waking up now. I sit down to try and do some work. I'm so absent-minded I can't keep my mind on things. I feel weepy but I can't weep. Something is creeping, it feels as if it is creeping up and surrounding my head, spreading. 07P 034 20.00 NS

The feelings from last night don't seem so strong but I still feel the need to say I'm going mad when I am at work. 07P 034 XX.XX NS

When I wake up I say the affirmation straight away. I feel better for that. I'm in control now, it's lying there dormant, just waiting for me to weaken. Its shrunk to half its size. Still flutterings on and off all morning. 07P 035 07.00 NS

My appointment with my homoeopath. At first I feel stupid telling her about the thing that's inside me and how I'm feeling, but that soon passes. I tell her that "it" feels smaller today because I'm in control of it, but at night it starts to try and take over. Constitutional given Nat-Mur. 07P 035 13.00 NS

Sitting watching a play with my family, suddenly the thought comes into my head, what if I have infected my Dad - that means he could give it back to me. What about all the children I've worked with. Could I have infected them, and then we keep passing it from one to another. I start to think we'll never be free of it, it will spread. I get a rising of images into my head. Things moving in water, tentacles, different shapes of creatures. I can't identify them. It's only momentary as if something is rising up from the deep. I quickly get a grip of my thoughts and toss the ideas aside. "Oh no you don't" I think to myself. "You're not rearing your ugly head again". I gain control very easily. At the same time as this was going on I got a slight stir in the right of my abdomen as if the twitchings want to come back. I still have a disgust around food. I don't want to prepare or eat it. (After antidoting.) 07P 036 20.00 NS

I'm aware that the thing is dispersing, as if it is dissolving so that I can digest and process it properly. I no longer feel as if I'm being taken over but I still feel it is in there waiting for the chance to grow again. I've got more control over my mind now. (After antidoting.) 07P 036 XX.XX NS

Overall. Feeling of some greater force having taken control of my life and turning it to chaos. Felt very panicky and out of control. 24G 000 XX.XX NS

Boyfriend had to stop away overnight to see ex-wife, I knew he was going not a problem as I was going to be at college. Got home phone lines were down so couldn't phone anyone to see what had happened at college. Couldn't phone boyfriend to see if he could get out of going away. British Telecom said it couldn't be fixed for four days. Boyfriend came home and said he had to go away. I felt like a big/huge black hand had reached down over me and spun my life into utter chaos. Felt very scared, very needy, very confused, abandoned, vulnerable. Wanted to get very drunk to cut it all out, drank half a bottle of Scotch. Never normally drink but an old symptom is to want to get out of it when I feel overwhelmed, but with cannabis. 24G 008 XX.XX NS


I am making all the wrong choices - like getting a "ride" to the weekend and like keeping walking even though it began raining - I got soaked! I had wanted to go to the pub because the bleakest despair and sense of futlity opened up in me - maybe from being with the group again? No reason - it was right in the middle of afternoon class and it just began to loom up. Again I am detached enough that I appear OK outwardly but inside I am staring into a black hole. 01P 029 23.00 NS

Crying a lot. Feeling sorry for self. 02P 003 XX.XX NS

Talking about myself makes me feel very sad. 02P 010 XX.XX NS

Had the strong feeling that I spend my life beating my head against the wall - a masochist Buddhist approach. Everything is growth. I do believe it but it seemed wrong on the night. Other people had thought to antidote, but I hadn't, why do I beat myself up. Felt better after a paracetamol. 02P 015 XX.XX IOS

Talked to homoeopath about antidoting, but I think more I just wanted to let him know I was having a hard time. 02P 016 XX.XX NS

I felt the whole family just used me and abused me, took me for granted and that I felt like just walking off and leaving them. 02P 058 XX.XX NS

Feel very "unlikable" today, feel that people have usually got on with don't like me, don`t know what I am doing to annoy them. 05P 012 XX.XX OS

What's the point being here? Why do people get up in the morning? Quite depressed. The poverty around me affected me, it was sad and upsetting. Why do people want to live in this way? No sense in being alive, in living. The House of Cushions so depressing to work in those places, too low, too poor. I felt above it all yet very much in it. Too painful to be in contact with poverty and depression. 06P 002 XX.XX NS

In town, fear of going in shops that look poor and bleak. How can people work in these shops? I would kill myself if I had that job - no direction, no career. 06P 025 XX.XX NS

Feeling very flat and low, resenting the remedy. Keep getting resentful feelings of being used by family and friends. Feel despondency over the state of the world. We don't respect our environment, we are destroying the planet, we have no respect for each other. Perhaps I'm just tired from a busy weekend. 07P 017 17.00 OS

Come home for lunch - feeling very sorry for myself. Feelings of disappointment come up from the past and overwhelm me. I remember that I felt a big disappointment to my Dad. Never achieved all he wanted for me at school, even the career I chose disappointed him and the partners I chose. Nothing ever seems to come up to scratch for him. Nothing made him proud of me. I realise now that I'm striving to make people pleased with me and when they are it's never enough - because it has to come from within me. 07P 029 12.30 AS

Couldn't respond to people. Just wanted to get home and let it all out. I have never felt so strange in all my life. I didn't want to speak, which was difficult as I was sharing a lift with two others. Something had a hold of me. My mood was so heavy, morose, black. I couldn't work out what I was feeling or why. What I was feeling was immense disappointment at myself, at my tutor, at anyone who expressed any negative comments. It wasn't my usual feelings of disappointment, these were numbed, controlled. 07P 031 17.30 NS

My Birthday! Should have been a nice day. My Dad was staying with us. If I had any doubts about whether the proving remedy was still holding and numbing my emotions, my Dad was quickly able to show me it wasn't. He was hurtful and full of self importance - he talked about himself all day and dominated the day. That night when he'd gone to bed I wept and wept, it had brought up so much from the past and I saw things very clearly. I was able to talk it out with my husband. I had the feeling I was spitting it out, shedding it, throwing it off, to let go of it and be rid of it. With that feeling I felt I was throwing out the proving as well. It had used me, but I had also used it and now I was free of it. (After antidoting.) 07P 039 XX.XX NS

I felt rejected and desperate all my soft inner parts exposed and flayed by her (my partner) cold and contemptuous attitude - her parent voice with its cold, scolding reason. 15G 018 XX.XX AS

I feel that I'm not being listened to by my partner. Felt ignored and scorned when an argument came up, I felt the futility of the constant batting to and fro of words. 15G 018 XX.XX AS

I felt betrayed... stunned and speechless, nothing was working in my mind and my heart was closed down - numb and lurching with a sickening feeling. 15G 021 XX.XX NS


I note my house is a mess - dishes left unwashed, books left opened, notes etc. all over the kitchen table. 01P 004 XX.XX NS

Selling myself out to save the relationship again. That's how it felt, not like an act that would build love. 02P 012 XX.XX NS

I couldn't make love. I relised I saw this as humiliating, like it was the act of a prostitute 02P 018 XX.XX OS

Reached right down into a mirror of my real feelings and I saw a dark secret full of a sense of deep humiliation and shame and despair. 02P 019 XX.XX IOS

The feeling was awful and heavy again so I had the feeling I had to do this act of showing love to my partner. It bridged the gap between us but it made me feel cheap again and he said it made him feel cheap. I think this whole time I haven't wanted to acknowledge how connected my partner has been to this proving. So wrapped up in my own stuff, thinking he was just being a bastard. 02P 019 XX.XX NS

I had the feeling I had to do this act of showing love to my partner. It bridged the gap between us but it made me feel cheap. 02P 019 XX.XX OS

Haven't washed my hair for weeks, I'm too tired -indifference about looking after myself 02P 021 XX.XX NS

Gone back to feeling bad about my body, feeling bad and fat. 02P 022 XX.XX OS

Have noticed that the last week I have had a general indifference to daily stuff, couldn't be bothered to wash my hair, or brush it, didn't wear my gloves for washing up, couldn't be bothered to wear nice clothes. 02P 024 XX.XX NS

Worked hard to remain open with partner as it was his birthday, even bought make up to look better to please him. 02P 052 XX.XX NS

Tried to make love that night but it was hard to open up and feel safe. 02P 059 XX.XX NS

Felt anxious. I was cutting at my cuticles with a knife. Must be tidy. 06P 005 19.00 RS

I ring a friend and say I need to sort my head out. I can't work out if this is me or the remedy. I feel so strange. There's an emptiness in the solar plexus. I feel like I'm going mad, there's a disorganized range of thoughts flying round my head. I tell my friend I'm disgusted by something, I can't work out if it's something about myself or just a general feeling of disgust. 07P 032 18.30 NS

Had thoughts that when Misha tells us the remedy I will throw up because it is so disgusting. Cannot do homework because my mind is so full of thoughts that keep rising up to do with what the remedy is. 07P 032 20.00 NS

Feeling of shame and of complicity in a family scandal. This was describing a situation of abuse and felt degraded and ashamed. I was mortified to think that I had been abused and had not realized it until now. The next day I remembered some details which meant that it really is not reasonable to put that interpretation on what happened, in other words that my mind had been playing tricks on me, giving me the delusion that I had been abused. 23G 000 XX.XX NS


Everything fallen apart tonight. Feel so down and guilty, what kind of life am I giving the children, so much arguing and tension. 02P 005 19.00 IOS

I seem to have a great anxiety about how my dreams of how I wanted to raise the kids are so far from the reality of it. 02P 007 XX.XX IOS

Bubbles and dreams are bursting. Feel guilty about partner and kids, feel I am doing it all wrong, have let them down. 02P 008 XX.XX IRS

Feel despondent with kids again today. 02P 010 XX.XX IRS

The connection with my centre is there again, more calmness. The anxiety about the children has lessened dramatically to a practical level, the burdened guilty aspect has lifted and I can enjoy them again. 02P 021 XX.XX NS

My anxiety about the children, have bouts of feeling emotional and anxious. 02P 052 XX.XX OS

Woke up feeling so despairing, so low. However, I felt like we needed to try, if only for the sake of the children. 02P 058 XX.XX NS

Feel very guilty for being so bitchy last weekend. 05P 009 XX.XX NS

I feel guilty, reproach myself, then stand up for myself. 06P 025 XX.XX CS

I hated being two faced but still found myself doing it. I hate the way I run down my Dad to my Mum and my Mum to my Dad. I feel so disloyal but it doen't stop me doing it. 07P 0 XX.XX NS

I had an e mail telling me that a bloke I worked with had had a heart attack. I was very upset because a few weeks ago I was concerned that this would happen to him. He had a problem with his leg but not with his heart. I kept asking him if he had any family history. I felt quite upset, a terrible feeling that I wished I didn't know about it. All morning I was very quiet because it got to me. I sent some flowers to the hospital and then I felt better. I was very disturbed by it. 08P 004 XX.XX NS


I got up and (unusually) began to read the weekend paper. I read for an hour and a half. 01P 003 07.30 NS

It has taken me most of the day - I was up at 7:00 (usual) - to get this far -ie. opening the diary and making an entry. The thought of calling my supervisor, seems a monumental task 01P 003 17.30 NS

I am extremely depressed. In a way that I have not been for a long time - restless but unable to do any sustained action. I am finding this very difficult to explain - difficult to motivate myself to continue (why bother?) 01P 003 17.30 OS

Today I felt very depressed and suffered from total inertia, entirely in an auto response mode, the total opposite of how I felt yesterday when I felt relaxed, confident and unthreatened, no auto response. 01P 003 XX.XX NS

Felt apathetic, born of a feeling of being trapped and like others felt why bother. Put on the television which I never do, only when very depressed. Thought I should turn it off but didn`t, no motivation to do anything. 01P 003 XX.XX NS

Felt "spacey" and still not attached and not OK with it - unable to "do" anything. It was 1:00 before I could get myself out of the house - I made myself go to the village as I'd been thinking of it since 9:00. I'd begun to get depressed but it didn't really happen 'til I returned - the walking kept it at bay. 01P 003 XX.XX RS

I am pushing myself to do chores, projects, homework, anything - filled with doubt. 01P 005 14.00 NS

This is all my old stuff, my shadow side, the very thing that stops me in life, fear, inertia, doubt. 01P 005 XX.XX OS

As I examine myself mentally I feel an underlying sense of futility - why bother? And that is why I didn't write the dream down, it's hard to act. 01P 012 XX.XX OS

I'm not "in a pit", now but I'm lacking in energy and feeling quite low - I thought this might be over with. I have to push myself to do anything. 01P 017 19.40 OS

Today I have hope that the effects might be leaving. On the inner plane I feel I'm gaining a measure of control - not that "control" has been the issue. However, I feel the underlying sense of despair and futility that has been with me can become prominent for no "reason", i.e. my outer life can be going quite smoothly, even successfully, and I will begin to experience a lot of fear, lack of confidence, depression, despair. 01P 028 XX.XX NS

The depression is still with me. I am a fully functional shell. 01P 030 09.45 NS

I felt a bit despondent about going home. 02P 002 19.00 RS

Not much outward energy. I'm going to try and get some homework done. 02P 007 XX.XX NS

Feel I can't do anything, feeling a failure, never going to be any good at course, feel a fraud, will never have the confidence to practice. They're the sort of things I usually feel worried about but it really blew up. I feel totally incompetent and a fraud, that I'm pretending to do things I'm never going to be able to do. Its like waiting to be discovered, what I'm pretending to be. Felt very vulnerable and crushed. My paranoid state coming up to almost it's worst. 05P 009 XX.XX NS

Think about my job and hate that. Actually felt I don't care about dying, perhaps there is nothing else I can do in this life. This was not "black", it was very matter-of-fact. 05P 025 XX.XX NS

Felt very depressed today. What the hell is the point of it all. Feel the course is a waste of time, feel really sceptical, what the hell is "cure" anyway? 05P 025 XX.XX NS

Fed up about performing side of musical life. 06P 014 XX.XX RS

Can't be bothered. 06P 016 XX.XX RS

Woke in depression futility and hot feet. Why live? No direction or enthusiasm, feel lonely, remote, unloved. 06P 030 XX.XX RS

Still feeling low and flat. Feels like stasis. Can't seem to move either way. 07P 007 18.00 NS

After lunch feel flat, low, irritable and tearful for no particular reason. 07P 008 13.30 OS

Perhaps I'm working too hard on my homework. I feel in a phos-ac state! Indifferent and brain fagged. 07P 025 XX.XX NS

Forced myself to do some homework. 07P 027 XX.XX NS

I awake feeling flat and miserable. 07P 032 07.00 NS

I was very aware of being in this depressive state. 09P 000 XX.XX NS

I don't want to move at all, especially my head. If I do have to move it I have to move very slowly and carefully. 09P 001 17.30 NS

Listlessness, Wait and see, defer decisions. 15G 026 XX.XX NS

I feel that something beautiful and precious is being lost in a haze somewhere and I can't see it any more. Numbness and sadness - a need to do things, to escape from feeling loss. 15G 032 XX.XX AS

Isolation and despair

I have been like a kind of shell, inside sometimes the most phenomenal blackness, but I have been functioning, like a functional shell. Not really in my life, not really connecting with people, like a machine with broken cogs going rrrrrr, rrrrrrr, and then sometimes it can act and then spin, spin, spin! But mostly just rrrrrr, rrrrrr - those cogs trying to connect and I haven't been at-all. One of the worst experiences of my entire life, to sum it up! 01P 000 XX.XX NS

In my depressed state there was a sense of doom. I experienced a great sense of nostalgia after looking through some photographs of myself 15 years ago. Normally I would have laughed at them but I thought who am I. 01P 003 XX.XX NS

Extremely depressed as I was when I started out in a new country some years ago. 01P 003 XX.XX OS

Is this depression or because my relationship is crap, so fraught with surface tension. I so want to believe it can work because I want to go forward with my dreams. Am I just using my partner for help, to stay with kids - I don't know. 02P 005 XX.XX NS

Feel almost suicidal, don't want to wake up and try again tomorrow. 02P 005 XX.XX NS

Almost lost it the other night, suicidal Have never really felt suicidal before this proving. 02P 007 XX.XX NS

Suicidal feeling, unrepairable. 02P 010 XX.XX NS

How does being real, living your spiritual journey tie in with living day to day with people's black and white views, my fear of how my set up appears, a broke single mom, against the normality of life. So a lot of obstacles leading up to going to important places, but I went on Friday to the seminar, after a very scatty, spacey day. 02P 014 XX.XX NS

Deep despair, I cried and cried and felt so lonely. 02P 019 XX.XX NS

I felt so old in the evening. I was doing the evening meal and listening to the radio. They were playing music from the 70's and early 80's. I wanted to turn the clock back. Felt, 'Where's my life going, where am I going? Why can't things stay in one place?' Didn't seem like yesterday that I was young in years and listening to that music. This is a conflict I have anyway, on the one hand feel childish and immature and on the other feel my age, my years. This is something I feel is me anyway, but it was much worse. I felt so old. 05P 009 21.00 NS

Feel very depressed, worse this afternoon. I feel I have been quite horrible and worry that others will see how horrible I am and what a fraud. 05P 009 XX.XX NS

Daze and depression on waking. 06P 002 09.00 RS

I feel very still. Sitting in the bath, on a chair, in bed in silence. Time goes by. Not wanting to move. Vacant. Lonely. Not sure. Not really with it. 06P 002 XX.XX RS

Saw ex-lover. Felt rejected. Went to a barbecue but she wasn't there. Felt left out because I had no children. My favourite child didn't play. 06P 016 XX.XX RS

Didn't want to go to college, feelings of despondency still with me. Feel nervous about engaging with everyone. 07P 029 09.00 NS

Arrive at work, teacher can see straight away that I'm not right. I try very hard to disguise my state. It's not my usual feelings of depression. I keep saying to people "I don't feel right, I'm not myself, I'm tired, I'm going mad". 07P 032 09.00 NS

I went into a deep depression. I felt like I was coming down, it was very sudden. 09P 000 XX.XX NS

Felt friendless on the way home from college on the train. Nobody loves me and I don't love me. 09P 002 19.00 NS

Yesterday I wanted to commit suicide by opening a vein in my arm, and I seriously considered the practicalities of doing this. 15G 019 XX.XX NS

Couldn't see any paths, any future, where I was going. Felt like I was standing alone in a desert and there was nothing as far as the eye could see, in all directions around me. It felt like there had been paths but sand had blown over them all, so all I could do was just stand there with a feeling of emptiness. Like a sort of empty despair. This summed up how I felt overall. 24G 000 XX.XX NS




Dream Themes:

Confident and detached

I dreamed of ploughed fields and driving in a car - dream/ wake worlds so close I thought it was the drive home [from the party] (now I realize my consciousness was in the car and above it, touching the fields on either side of the road) [on the drive home we went through ploughed fields, went round a round-about several times - it was all a wonderful feeling that I seemed to carry into my dream world] 01P 001

I am packing luggage for a journey. I note I`m really tired. I am very popular in this house [many rooms and people] - it has elements of my New York apartment - in fact I am taking clothes out of closets that were there. The windows overlook the city. Everyone wants to sleep with me. I have lots of luggage - old coats I`ve not worn in years. I wonder should I just chuck them out? Someone is fussing in the background (my partner Bill? or have I any particular partner here?) reminding me that the airline isn`t reliable and I must get packed etc. At the airport. Someone notes the stage manager`s sign (a six foot pole with something on top - a box, brightly coloured with fluttery bits) is so ingenious because it contains other elements - sound, symbols etc. (I think this is a rally point) There is an orange and white cat there - just like my cats. 01P 004

Back in New York apartment it is quite communal - to the point of at least six to a bed. Through the window There is a water tower ( a feature of Nwe York rooftops) lit up with a heart and "Caroline I love you" in lights inside. The window faces North. One of my bed mates - one who's been pursuing me ardently, asks won't I stay with him - I agree to vaguely " And you won't run away?" he says. "What is he on about?", I think, probably I'll avoid him. 01P 005

I have a stone - either something is written on it or it has a message in some other way. I resist asking - or finding out "what does it mean?" A bird would tell me - but that is not the best thing to do. The best thing is to let the stone show you something in its own way and time. 01P 010

I'm definitely observing - a string of "instructive" short dreams. Uninvolving too dull to remember. 01P 011

Just a snippet remembered: a very voluptuous dream - a former lover is sucking my nipples. 01P 013

I'm staying with a family while studying. They are being very complimentary. "People trust you because of the way you comport yourself" I am well-dressed in a beautiful but comfortable suit - I feel relaxed, confident and easy with them and myself. 01P 020

I am visiting a friend who is living with a family near Bristol. I arrive at the old house - really gracious and rambling - I'm shown to a big room on the ground floor with a bath attached - a bed-sitting room. The style is American Mid-west Victorian ("Meet Me in St. Louis"). No one is home so I put away my things. I am expecting my "second family" who live in Bristol. The friend comes in with the lady of the house - are they dressed in nineteenth century clothes. They - actually we - are all beautifully behaved - without being mannered. The friend is very cleaned up and fine and it's not clear whether this family have "adopted" him or he is partnering the woman. My second family who have "adopted" me come in and are made welcome - I bring them into "my" room. We are openly loving with one another - I think "I'm more comfortable with these people than my own parents" 01P 020

We are at my family's old house in Ontario for a family gathering - another big, rambling house. Full of people - my brothers and sisters anf their families - but still lots of space. We are all cooking together for a celebratory meal - it is like Christmas but we're not giving each other gifts now but looking at the gifts we've given each other in the past. Paintings, things we've made and a "golf game". We note from the old score cards that we played it once - in 2 teams, then it ended up in the attic. But the paintings, clever boxes etc. are still in the main parts of the house. I note we prefer things we've made ourselves. 01P 021

Dream about being chased by people with arrows, think they were like tribes people. The arrows weren't sharp, more like bamboo canes and it was funny. 02P 003

Naked in cafe/restaurant. Asked, in a familiarway : "My love" ? for the soup to be changed because I didn't like the taste of margarine in it, I wanted butter. I think l had already made some other request/complaint, but it wasn't a problem for me to do this. In real life I wouldn't be that relaxed about it. COMMENT: It seems to be about being assertive easily. It's not unusual for me to be naked in dreams, including recently. 03P 004

Had loads of dreams, but can`t remember any of them, just one part, of two dustbins going up and down in a sort of lift. 05P 001

I was running up a flight of stairs at a sort of station. At the top was a sort of roundabout, everyone was pouring of other staircases onto this roundabout and racing round. You had to go around without touching anyone else. I got on and went 3/4 round, then got off to work out what I was going to do next. I went down some stairs but they didn`t lead anywhere, it was a sort of cave, and light was coming in from other stairs above. I saw someone else about to bump into someone else, and said "quick, hide in here". She said "why? ", and I explained the "rules", I said you get fined, she said "no you don`t". I went back out and carried round the last 1/4 then went back down the stairs. At the bottom was a woman, I said I don`t know if I have bumped into anyone or not. She said "you`d better buy 2 tickets then". I gave her the money, and she started checking the numbers on the tickets against some on a chart. She said "you`ve got 12 and 24, if you`ve got this one you`ve won £11". I didn`t know what she was talking about; it turned out I didn`t have the next number, so she gave me £3. 05P 005

It was Christmas, I was at husband`s parents, everyone was opening presents. I was so busy opening mine I didn`t notice what other people had, or what I had wither. I finished opening mine, and looked around - one of husband`s brothers was still opening his - he had brought a push bike and all his presents were bits to fit on the bike - he was opening a bike radio (!) and was really pleased, fitting it on his bike. I felt a bit let down and disgruntled - I looked around at everyone else and felt let down. Husband didn`t seem to have much either and I felt pissed off for him. I looked through my presents, there was a jumper, I didn`t know whether I like it or not - it was white with lots of flowers. First I thought it was quite pretty, then not right, unbalanced because it was both dainty and bulky. I thought, oh well it`ll do for work. I realised that I didn`t know whether anyone was pleased with the presents I had given them as I had been too busy looking at mine. In fact, I didn`t know whether I had given anyone anything or not. 05P 005

Dream about work relocating to Bristol, I was frightened of driving on the motorway. Suddenly I was there - it was my primary school (1st class). Other members of the group were there, I was asking how driving on the motorway was. I was looking over a bridge at the motorway, looking at all the cars driving, whizzing along, thinking I might have an accident, but then thinking, well, accidents happen every day. 05P 010

I was really ahead with all my course work, and wondered what I was going to do with all the free time in the summer (dream on!!!), Felt a bit of a fraud for finishing everything. 05P 022

I was with someone else in a deserted town. It was quite bright. There was damage to the buildings. Feeling we had provoked a menacing influence. Threatening, Mafia-type invisible influence. A feeling of righteousness. The gouging of the walls had exposed high-powered weapons. A sense of power. Wanting to rid myself of the menace. Going to get anyone. A red-haired boy came towards me. I shot at him, didn't kill him, fired a missile and he was exploded. This was a good dream and made me feel empowered. 06P 004

Me and my brother on a strange cliff with another party of climbers. Things go wrong and we end up in a shallow sea at night on manoeuvres. We weren't seen by the Germans. We swam under a pier. I put water-sensitive things in my rucksack. Possessive. We mingled with the people without being noticed. 06P 005

I did a comedy routine in front of a small audience, on my own and I felt very confident even though the material was not very good. 06P 006

A man single-mindedly seeing how many skateboards he could do this manoeuvre on, hundreds of them put in a spiral on the floor. Jumping, flipping, obsessive, skilful and repetitive. Impressive feat of skateboarding. Record attempt. I was detached from it, watching. Like a fly on the wall. 06P 007

I felt no anxiety in my dreams, although I felt I should have. I don't remember my dreams clearly. I had a shower in a room but there was no shower tray, the water just ran over the room and got ankle deep. It stopped before it flowed out of the room, but nothing was stopping it, as if an invisible panel held it back. I felt no concern about this or the fact that I was showering in a room anybody could walk in and out of; I didn't even have a shower curtain. It was a hotel and I was there with the rest of the group. 07P 002

Dream of a chaotic happening and I got a spiral dance going like a conga spiralling in and out. I very much enjoyed causing this lovely order out of the vague confusion. Others enjoyed it too. 09P 002

I took bits of foam and a strip of wood from someone's sleeping bag/mattress to make it tidier without asking them. They objected to the wooden strip being taken out. We agreed on a substitute that we both felt happy with, that was tidier. Dream I was making a plane/kite with someone. I put the two wings on and it flew beautifully. We pulled it back down and I added more complicated metal components that I managed to fit together without looking at the instructions. I felt very clever. It flew beautifully again. The instructions said put in two glasss bowls, like fish bowls, but I didn't think they were a goo idea as it could not fly. 09P 002

Woke feeling contented. Thought I must have had a pleasant dream. Remembered then that I dreamt about having come back from a holiday in the country which had been very relaxing, where I met a woman who lived in an old white house with a name over the door. On getting home I heard that she had become very well known for talking on TV for 5 minutes a day on her ideas of life. She was shown outside her house and then in an interview situation, the same each day, sitting directly opposite someone close-up and both seen from the side view. She was an NF member but was generally very pleasant and well balanced in outlook. 09P 008

Waited in turn to have two parts from the inner workings of my car washed. I did not know whether to use water or another liquid. There was some cheerful teasing bantering amongst us while we waited. 09P 020

Had lots of dreams on Saturday night, felt like the whole night, yet try as I might I couldn't recall them (this is unusual) except for one which involved a gun, people dressing up, disguising themselves, and some kind of deceit. Aware that it should be threatening, but it was silly, like some kind of spoof. 13G 002

I was teaching someone else to freefall and felt fine about it. This was astonishing as I have such a fear and strong physical reaction around heights. Hate flying in aeroplanes and just the thought of jumping from one is enough to bring on jelly-legs. Felt in the dream that I was buoyed up, supported - that I just needed to relax and would be buoyed up. Felt happy and confident. This dream seemed to be not just about heights, but about life itself - that if I just let go and trust, it will buoy me up. Since the dream, have much less fear around actual situations of height. 13G 030

At first I was at my partner's dad's house. It was a horrible Victorian feeling - everything all brown and dingy, with certain set ways of doing things. I was a servant in the house and clearing out the fire-grates. Things had to be done in a proper way and not deviated from. Then I got in a car - an old vintage car - and we drove through very narrow lanes where I thought we could not pass because it was too narrow, but we did. Suddenly the road opened out and we were on a cliff top overlooking a beautiful bay, and the sea was sparkling below. The vicar in the car said "Be careful you don't back over the edge." There was a restaurant/club in that place. I was with my daughters and a young man. We went into the restaurant and there were the most delicious dishes of food there - cream, strawberries the most divine things. We ate. I fed the young man playfully. I asked about drama classes for my youngest daughter. She could join if she wanted to. There was a happy and exuberant feeling here.. a sense of space and being able to express oneself. 15G 028


Silly dreams, spoof type adventures. In one I was only white man in a room of black people and I karate kicked my way out. 02P 001

Had a lot of dreams, silly, action packed. 02P 002

Walking along a bridge with someone. A raiIway ran underneath, I called the other person's attention to the sound of the train on the tracks, the rhythm of it, like a tune I think. COMMENT: The main thing seems to be the sound of the train on the track. Reminds me of the earlier symptom of rubbing my hands together. 03P 004

Dreams: Bright lime green, bright yellow. 04P 002

Dreams very active, nice, lots of colour. 08P 002

I had a lot of dreams, very silly, really really silly. 13G 002

Dreams active, colourful, fun, unremembered. 14G 000


The idea is to go swimming - I think there is a pool or a lake - the feature of this pool is that it is fed by a huge ice cube, which is either compressed or just melts. The top of the cube is violet, the rest white. But first it isn't working. Then there has to be a committee meeting. Then there are some footling details that have to be done, and endless series of small events that either distract or prevent the going swimming. 01P 009

The location seemed to be from my childhood: a patch of rough ground. But in the dream I was adult, wearing a suit, clothes I didn't want to spoil, and up to my knees in sea water. The waves were roIling in from the direction of the shops, and from the direction of home. Against the advice of another person present, I decided it was best to go towards the shops so that I could walk around on the pavement, even though it would be farther. I felt I knew better than him, I had experience of the sea. COMMENT: Easy decision/assertion. 03P 004

Can't remember my dreams in great detail but the general feeling was that things happened that can't happen. A light bulb staying on when it should be off (the light bulb was on a cooker switch). A tank had overflowed in the loft and the water was running along the ceiling - it didn't fall on us. Then I was trying to hang out washing but I couldn't reach the line, but I should have been able to; it just seemed to be out of my reach. 07P 002

I'm in a swimming pool - I can't find the right tunnel leading into water. My husband has gone on ahead without me and he's not a confident swimmer. I'm hesitant and I'm trying over and over again to find the right one. The feeling in the dream I recognised as the same uncertainty I feel about my homework, the course and other challenges. A sort of fear mixed with a lack of confidence in myself and an inability to let go and go with the flow. Perhaps the remedy is wearing off because this dream is more about my old stuff. 07P 028

I'm on a beach which looks like where I grew up. The sea is shimmering and warm. I'm in the sea and then on the beach examining in detail sea-creatures thrown up on the water's edge. One I am examining very carefully, zooming in. Its like a star fish but its shape is different, it looks like a small kitten. 09P 004

Swam underwater for a whole length of a swimming pool without actually swimming, just dived in and glided to end, it was difficult. Later people came to look at the sides underwater, they said they were too clearly defined in parts and not clearly enough in others, for people who wanted to swim underwater. There was an inner shell lower down the water, sometimes thick and strong with a clearly defined upper edge sometimes more like flat bushes. 09P 013

I'm on a beach which looks like where I grew up. The sea is shimmering and warm. I'm in the sea and then on the beach examining in detail sea-creatures thrown up on the water's edge. One I am examining very carefully, zooming in. Its like a star fish but its shape is different, it looks like a small kitten. 15G 012

Concern for self and others

I am in New York (my old home) but as a visitor. It is a dreamscape NYC - with London Transport - very frustrating travel and I am going to the Beckenham district uptown to pick up the theatre tickets - I notice I have left my shoes off not socks - I figure I can just get some cheap sneakers. Getting on the subway takes a very long time - frustration - you can't just buy a ticket and go, there's all this hassle and rigmarole. We are then at my Aunt's house - there's myself and Bill and a third friend who's taking a shower in his bedroom - I notice the post has been delivered and there is a letter for me - the envelope has writing that I recognise as my (step) mother's - silly verses and things repeated over and over but the address (different hand) is to my childhood name. "How could it have got here?" I wonder - I don't live here and the address is wrong - then I notice it is c/o my Aunt, though the name is not quite correct, "Garbrest" instead of Garbutt. 01P 003

I am digging in the garden planting flowers, campanulas. (I woke and wasn't sure I'd imposed campanulas from my waking state.) 01P 004

I am involved in some healing discipline - there`s a case of bone damage in a leg and someone points out that in Chinese medicine this is dealt with all the time - it's a condition known as Peking (sic) Ankle. 01P 004

I'm walking my dog, Bert, on the street in NYC. I see a friend, Ralphie, also walking a dog. Another dog, black, wolf-like, but with short legs (like our dogs) comes up behind his and bites him. I think I'm going to have to protect Bert. The vulpine dog takes hold of Bert's ear and I take hold of it's lip - he releases Bert. I note that I am unable to move my limbs arms quickly as happens in dreams. Neither does the dog move quickly - we struggle - sort of. 01P 005

Putting luggage in a taxi for airport. Big suitcase in trunk (boot). I get there and realize I don't have a ticket. In room at airport hotel. Maids cleaning, I am looking through my documents - realize I've left suitcase with ticket in taxi - I'm not bothered except for ticket. I'm trying to piece together what usually happens, ie. will they have a record or do I need the actual ticket? 01P 005

Someone is pointing out on TV how stupid easily influenced people are - 200,000 having responded to an advert selling compact kits for men. But they aren't compact at all! - however you do get a picture of a naked man with them. 01P 005

Do not now actually remember dream - at least 3 all of the same "type" because I woke up, went to write something down and thought, 2Oh, that's just a ___?___ dream, like the other one." I don't know now how I'd classified them but I did have another. I was semi-lucid because I remember thinking, "Just another one of those (?)" It may have been similar to one of those dreams you have when you've been doing a repetetive task and find you're doing it in dream as well. I was counting fields (?) or adding them or fencing them (?) - some kind of classifying, task oriented dream. 01P 006

One of those "piece work" dreams. I am planting in the garden, sifting soil, putting in small plants or seeds. The sort of dream that stops you going into deep sleep - or waking fully. 01P 010

Again putting plants in the soil - Lily of the Valley as I remember - but I am a traveller, so I'm planting them as I go - or is it me? I am more of an observer than a participant. 01P 011

We are building a "play group" in Northern Ireland It is a delicate operation - the shape is also like a horseshoe with two arcs, one from each community meeting in a flashpoint at the apex - but the elements are: the construction of the site, meetings with the two sides and supervising the children at play. 01P 013

We are building a rock garden, horseshoe shaped, with a sunken centre - Lily of the Valley figure again or at least some small white flower. 01P 13

I had a dream in which I was searching for a remedy. It was a difficult case - confused, like the dream - and I had to keep spraying these trays of plants to keep them alive and fresh to be made into the remedy as soon as we discovered which one. I had been working on a confused. difficult case before I went to bed and I think that is a plant remedy. Interestingly I woke up thinking "Ignatia" and it is quite well indicated, although I'd rejected it before. 01P 018

I'm in a queue for information and travel tickets. The people are not lining up "properly" - half in, half out, coming and going; I'm irritated because I want the information and I want to leave. I want some info on the Devon School, I say, at last but I don't want to buy a ticket yet. The woman doesn't think she has that information but I see the listing at the bottom of the page. "There it is", I point out, "Uffculme". "Oh", she says, "That doesn't open until Thursday". 01P 019

I am in New York in a kind of square, like Gramercy Park - but it looks more like Tompkins park ie. down market - open space surrounded by houses. There is a street fair in the park, most of the people are related in some way. There is a child toddling about named Jesus (not he'zoos). I am shown a picture of him in a hand-made, craftsy, s-shaped frame - they are rather proud of it (the frame, the child is quite ordinary). The child's father is pointed out to me at the other side of the park. "Don't ypu mean grandfather?", I say as he is an ancient old geyser. They assure me not. I become very aware of my neck vertabra sticking out of my shoulders, large, not painful but I'm quite "hunched" because of it - is this just ageing? Is it reversible? I think. 01P 022

I am walking in "New York". I am walking up one of the avenues from Washington Square - which is, in the dream fact, a huge, many ringed circle of park benches ringed round a monument. Poeple come and sit and eat their lunches and hang out etc. I am walking north and I see 3/4 of a boa constrictor writhing in a pool of blood - a kid comes running up to his mother with the tail - she is disapproving. I wonder if the kid has done this - attacked the snake - or just picked up the tail. Further along there is a dog - again with its hind quarters bloodied - it is also struggling in a pool of blood. Then there are two more (I think they are also small dogs). I run to a blue phone booth marked RSPCA (sic). There is a couple inside necking and chatting - I push right through them, pushing them out and pick up the phone - I am immediately speaking with someone (male, a fat, laconic, black man - how do I know this?) He says I must deposit £1 - I do and tell him about the animals - he starts to explain something and I insist this is an emergency and I want something done about it. NOW! 01P 032

Dream of insect getting bigger, becoming a threat. Before the insect there were plants in the dream. I first became aware of the insect as something tickling under my foot. It looked like it was made of plant material and was light green. I think I've had a dream in the past about insects getting bigger. 03P 012

I was watching some streets where my mother used to shop when I was a child. It was in the late 50`s/early 60`s, and everything was in black and white (like an old film). Suddenly two bright red cars zoomed up the street towards a shop, the cars were full of young boys. They seemed very threatening. They roared into a sort of parking lot next to the bakers. Another car came in and it all seemed a bit menacing, but then they were helping the other person in the car to park his car properly. Then the car turned into a wheelchair, in the wheelchair was a policeman smoking a cigar. 05P 002

There was a large circle of stones, a fork lift truck was driving around putting people in the group in front of a stone, one in front of each stone, As it put me in front, I realised I had been placed on a stone seat, which was very high, and which I couldn`t balance on properly - I had to keep leaning over to try and grab the stone. The fork lift driver said "don`t worry. I`ll be back in a minute, have a drink while you wait. I suddenly saw the front of the stone was a coffee machine, and managed to get a drink. I was finding it difficult to balance and take the cup, which was hot and bendy. I took a sip and spat it out because I realised it was coffee, and I`m not supposed to drink coffee. 05P 004

I was on holiday somewhere with husband. We met this older couple, they told us how they wanted to move. He was really rich and owned this great big business, with enormous offices. The building was huge, and their flat was at the top, in the middle, They said this was normal for the owners of large businesses; there was a whole row of these large buildings/businesses, with the owners living in a flat in the building. The road outside was badly lit and dark. They said they felt frightened, and the responsibility of worrying if someone was wandering around the building was to great. They were lonely and wanted to leave it all. 05P 005

My sister was having a baby, she was in labour, and holding my hand. Her nails were really long and kept digging in. I was asking her how quick the contractions were, but she was in a lot of pain and couldn`t answer. Her nails kept digging in, and I was trying to rearrange her grip so that they wouldn`t dig into her or me. 05P 005

There was a proving meeting for the group, we were in a big airy room. Misha was cross, no-one could describe how they felt. 05P 008

Had another dream about my sister being in labour. I was there but kept losing her, she was there and then she wasn't. Bit of a foggy dream. 05P 010

It was Christmas, my sister and I were in my father`s house, husband and my father were not coming until Boxing Day. Part of the house was set in a sort of separate building. We realised there were no locks on the doors. We pulled some of the curtains, but didn`t know what to do with the rest of it. There was all this furniture and amongst it a beautiful bookcase. We were worried that someone would get in a steal everything, the window was so huge anyone could see what was in the room. I said I wish I had Mandy (my dog) here, she would hear if anyone was walking around the house. We were too scared to go to sleep. 05P 019

Husband and I were in a house (it was my grandmother`s). The lock on the door had come apart, I had all the bits in my pocket. Husband was putting it back together, suddenly I realised I had lost a part of it. Husband managed to get the door to lock, but I knew it wasn`t secure, as a part was missing. Husband went out to a pub down the road, which was very brightly lit. A neighbour came to the door, he started getting abusive, but in a sort of friendly way, he was pushing me back through the house. I managed to get him out and he went to the pub. I was looking at the door with the faulty lock; I heard a car and saw it screech past the house and stop. I was terrified, I knew the people in the car were going to kill me, and the lock was faulty and wouldn`t keep them out. At this point I woke, it was the early hours of the morning and I lay in terror for quite a while, unable to move. 05P 019

I was driving out of Warminster on my way home, husband was in the car. I started going down this hill, it was really steep, like a rollercoaster, peoples` cars in front were going out of control, the road was covered in chalk and cloud of it were coming up. I was unable to slow the car down, I was afraid to brake in case it went out of control. We shot round this corner, clouds of chalk around us, I had my foot of the accelerator hoping the car would slow down, but it didn`t, it went on gaining speed. Then I was at home. Cars were whizzing past the house, they were crashing and skidding all over the place. I was trying to find a gap in the traffic to pull out onto the road but couldn`t find one. 05P 026

On a disc-shaped platform with a stem like a flower, really high up in the air which can tilt and wobble around, there are no sides to it, nothing to hold on to and I am on the top of this disc, I felt very scared and very sick. There were others up there too, they looked OK with it, they were dealing with it but I just wanted to get down. Strong image. 06P 006

I was riding backwards on a very high speed train, which was very small like a childrens train and it was going back very very fast towards something uncertain. It was like keeping balance on a horse, feels quite dangerous. 06P 006

Travelling in Africa. Go up a skyscraper in the lift which is really scary with a girl companion. Feel better on coming down. Hang out with two girls in close contact afterwards. 06P 014

Climbing around a very high mountain rock face. It is dark, snow, warm, surreal, lights. I am with a more experienced companion who knows what to do but doesn't help as such. Go near edge of massive manmade wall (on top) I look down. Whoa! Vertigo! I walk tentatively down a path, someone runs by me confidently. 06P 023

I partly emptied a fish tank with a gold fish in it so that I could move it and found a large fish in the sludge at the bottom that I did not know was there. (My hidden strength?). 09P 002

I was on a ledge high up with others and OK until I looked down. It was extremely dangerous. We all reached up for the wooden rail above us to hold onto but it broke away from the wall. I managed to jump down to safety. The others were still up there. 09P 004

I am at school. I have come there by train. On the train is a beautiful tabby cat with a rusty red back and top of head. I know he has no home and I want to keep him. At the school I am part of the organization, but no one notices me. I have a dog with me. It's my friend's dog, and I know she has left it at school and will worry if she doesn't get it back. Some kids are doing outward bound activities, but I can't pay attention to them, because the dog has to be returned to my friend. I try to get the secretary to make phone-calls so I can return the dog. Its getting dark and gas lamps are being lit in the streets. I am still trying to find a way (by phone) to return the dog (which in reality died 4 years ago) to her owner. 15G 018


I was in a butcher`s shop buying some pork. I said to the woman that the joint she was showing me wasn`t big enough, she showed me another, and I said to a young boy who was with me "what do you think? ", he said "that will do" and I took it. I suddenly realised the child who I asked wasn`t the boy with me, he was on the other side of me. I tried to put the meat into a bag, but it had legs and feet, and these were sticking through the bag - I felt quite nauseous. I asked the woman if she had a stronger bag, she said yes, and started clearing stuff of the shelves, looking for another bag. I suddenly realised the woman was the mother of a friend of husband`s, in this dream she had "fallen on hard times", and was working in the shop. The owners came down and started shouting at her, telling her to clean the shop, she ran out in tears. I ran after her, there was someone else with me and they got to her first, we were both trying to console her. Then I was in a greengrocers; this woman was working there as well, I was trying to put apples in a bag, she was trying to help, but the bags kept breaking. Then the same happened with potatoes, the bags kept breaking. I have a conflict with eating meat as I'm an animal lover - so compromise and try to eat only free-range. Have not dreamt about it before, though, not to this extent. 05P 012

I was at the course, we were being shown how to use remedies to fix cars (!) I was unable to read anything that was written on a blackboard about this, and couldn`t understand. We had all been given new notepads; as I finished writing on the first page, I found the "new" notepad was actually an old one of mine, all the pages were full and there was nowhere to write. Then we were shown a video of a remedy being prepared; someone was scraping out the inside of a fish`s head, the fish seemed to be still alive, its eyes were moving and it mouth was opening and closing - it all seemed so cruel and unnecessary. 05P 013

I was helping someone at work, who owns a shop. He said he had 2 steak sandwiches to make, so I said I would make them for him (they were for customers). I put the steaks into the microwave, when I took them out the microwave was a real mess. I thought how on earth am I going to clear this up. 05P 026

I was with my sister, she had had a dream that a man was walking unseen around her children`s school, he was carrying a red hankie tied to a stick. He was walking around corridors that no-one knew about, which surrounded the school, these corridors were in the walls, he was going to blow up the school and my sister was going to go and warn the headmaster about it. Then I was in the kitchen at home, husband was there, there was a box of food on the table which he had bought. It had all been very cheap, husband said it was a new shop which had opened up in one of the shops which had been around when we were children, he was telling me which one but I couldn`t remember it. He had already eaten some of the food, so I decided to make an egg and bacon sandwich. For some reason I had boiled the bacon in the same pan as the egg, it all look disgusting, the bacon was all fatty and soggy and the egg was broken. I was eating the sandwich and pulling bits out of it in disgust. My sister came in, she was very angry, she us both a cup of coffee each, and said to me, "I`ve given you the horrible one". Suddenly I was driving along the road, I was driving home, there was a bus in the road, with two men waiting to get on. The bus was bright red and right in the middle of the road, I drove round it, and as I carried on driving saw two men in sport clothes running along the road, in the same direction as me. There was someone in the car with me (I don`t know who), I looked out of the window and saw two large orangey -brown birds running along a field, in the same direction as us, they had long necks and their neck were bent back - I said, "look, they are turkeys". There was a feeling of a storm coming behind us, and I realised this was we were all going in this direction, trying to get away before the storm broke. I could see the black sky behind us and was driving faster and faster. Ahead of us were green hills, and a blue sky. I suddenly saw a huge blue mountain ahead of us, in amongst the hills, over the mountain an enormous brown wave was breaking - I realised that the threat was in front of us, not behind us, and knew that if the wave was breaking over the mountain the world must be flooding. I was out of the car, and saying to the person with me, "quick, grab the hedge, if we get separated we`ll never get back together", and was wondering where husband was and whether he would survive. The wave came down on us with a loud splash, and everything was dark brown, I felt I no longer existed, and knew I was dead. Then I started drifting upwards through the brown water, and awoke. I feel that this dream, which seemed to sum up quite a lot of my dreams during the proving, (and which were very different in there themes from my "normal" dreams) has marked the end of it. 05P 035

I gave a small animal to a man to eat, it was still alive. Then I wished I had not as the man was so cruel to it. 09P 004

Dream of a picnic with lots of traditional food that was seen as a joke, cleared away and the real food brought on - a corpse and other revolting edibles instead. I was revolted but not totally surprised. 09P 020

Very vivid dream filled the whole night, remembered some portions clearly. Had to get on a plane in a certain time but I didn't know what time, very agitated. Food for a party laid out, went for this meat, ate a whole plate of raw meat. My son gave me a big hug and said it would be all right, I would make my plane. 21G 001


We are in fields, some ploughed, some fallow. There is an informal investigation going on. Some people say they've been affected by a plant that used to grow in this area. I don't know whether it was on purpose or accidental but we or they are looking for evidence that it was. 01P 007

I am in a very large hotel. I go into the basement in order to clean this fire truck. It has some purpose like collecting garbage or carrying men to fires, as there are all sorts of neatly fitted eqipment. I am checking through these attachments, joking with some of the men who are assigned to this vehicle. It is cream coloured, designed for heavy use and has mud on it. 01P 008

Ploughed fields again and school. In fact we are running a farm school, in competition with one those gross American TV preachers. We are "winning", because of our integrity. The equipment we recommend is very old-fashioned and the methods too - ecology vs agribiz which is what the other school represents. 01P 021

Something like a wasp came out of the kettle I was carrying. I turned quickly round and round a lot to try to get rid of it. 03P 004

I have been having active dreams all month however I only remembered one of them. I was on a train, a man approached me with a huge knife and started slitting the skin on my arms and legs, after he had begun slitting the skin I realized that there was heroin on it. I knew I had to get the knife off him and I did. Then I started cutting him with the knife. All I remembered was being fascinated by cutting this person as I didn't think I would be able to do it. The feeling around this dream was of protecting myself, with the fear of being drugged. 04P 000

I am constantly vomiting dry substantial material. 06P 024

Dreamt of going on holiday to the seaside, our favourite beach polluted by a nearby factory newly-built, which was annoying. 13G 000

Unvalued, deserted, humiliated, dirty

I am preparing a preliminary report for my supervisor. I am finding the questions pointless and the constraints irritating (in the dream) There are some wacky requirements which I don't remember. 01P 008

I am at "school", I am younger than I am at present. We are in a big rambling building, dark, with lots of small rooms and corridors above and more public rooms on the ground floor. I am dressed in my room, but choosing something else to wear because we are going to have a class indoors and a fire-drill outdoors without being able to change. I notice that what ever I choose I end up looking about the same, "I guess that's my style" I think (apropos of nothing). I don't live here so I'm choosing from a limited selection. 01P 019

I am with a friend, she has done a wonderful painting in greens - lime green mostly - of a spiral design, like a nautilus shell. I want to buy it - paying a small amount monthly because I can't afford the full price but I'm hesitating, not sure a) if it's such a good idea, b) what my friends will say ie. that I'm crazy to blow my money on art. 01P 019

I am with two male friends. We decide we'd better go to the toilet before the fire-drill. There are three cubicles. I go into the far end one. It is floor to ceiling enclosed, a pale green colour. I do a very smelly shit and the bell begins to ring for the fire-drill - I exit the cubicle as do my friends. There is one person washing his hands - he's been waiting for a cubicle, "Poor guy if he chooses mine!", I think - he goes in the middle one. 01P 019

Dreamt last night- which was of a sexual nature, the major themes were of helplessness, powerlessness even though I was the more powerful entity, of shame, of self disgust, of others being disgusted with me, of feeling forsaken, of no one else caring. Also a sort of moral tension was present - I felt I had to partake in the sexual act and part of me felt I really didn't want to. This part of me felt bullied and disempowered. However another part of me was aware of partly enjoying what I was doing but felt bad. So there was a sort of moral tension. Awoke feeling indifferent to the dream, though as the month progressed it took on more significance, especially the theme of humiliation. {I see this as important theme in this dream. Feeling trapped. Humiliation - in a situation in which I could have acted differently, but felt helpless and trapped . Let down -- partner callous and didn't help me. Moral tension - is it alright to do this, is it acceptable. All these are themes in my life that I have not looked at for a long time but left buried.} 02P 002

Dreamed of having head lice. I was combing through my hair with a lice comb and when the comb came out it was clogged with bugs which looked more like wood lice. When I tried to wash the comb under the tap, the bugs wouldn't come out. Everytime I combed through the comb was totally clogged with the bugs. There was a crowd of people around me saying it was because I was dirty and disgusting. 02P 011

I was in an Arabic country, in the middle of the desert, and the law officers decided I had committed a crime which I knew I hadn't. My partner was with me and I was pregnant and terrified of giving birth (with my own births I have not been scared, rather a bit pathetic). The courts had decided that if I was found guilty they would execute me as an example. The court date was approaching and nobody seemed concerned, even went for a picnic with Homoeopath and my partner and they were having a jolly time whilst I was terrified of this court date. A friend took off her shirt, to show me her whip marks, assuring me that I would only be lashed, but I told her they planned to execute me. I was aware of controlling the end of the dream as I was quite disturbed. I was found guilty and ordered to become a nun. I felt I had engineered this ending a bit. Dream disturbed and frightened me greatly. Felt vulnerable, alone, forsaken, uncared for, scared, unjustly treated trapped. 02P 072

I was in a bar, which was the waiting room for my doctor. I wanted to see my homoeopath, but had to go thought the doctor`s surgery to get to her office, which was behind it. I went into the doctor`s surgery; my doctor was a man I had never seen before. I was taking to the doctor and suddenly realised there was another patient in the room. The doctor just disappeared and the patient (man) started really insulting me, and then insulting my sister. He kept saying "you`re both really old, you`re both menopausal". He had a great big hammer which he kept waving around threateningly. I became really angry and started shouting at him. I was aware of this hammer and thinking I ought to be frightened, but I wasn`t. I marched out of the room, telling him I was going to report him. Went back into the bar/waiting room and wondered how on earth I was going to see the homoeopath, and how I was going to get referred by my doctor. In the end I just decided to bypass the doctor, and walked past his office into hers. When I got there the receptionist said "sorry, she`s away on holiday"! 05P 002

I was driving around Bath, I saw a van hit a lorry, there was a small dent in the lorry. The van driver got out, said "God, more money!" and produced this enormous amount of money from his pocket. He pulled of 4 enormous notes, and gave them to the lorry driver and they both drove off. I carried on driving and thought I was lost, but realised I wasn`t. I came to a garage, husband was working inside with another man. I went in to see them and to have a talk with husband, I suddenly noticed I had an enormous stomach, it was huge and looked deformed. I had a white flowered elasticated dress on, and there were marks where the elastic was digging in, and these were really visible to anyone. I found I could pull my back backwards to disguise this huge stomach, but it was too much effort to maintain, and my back was going forwards again, so the huge stomach was back, I felt like a freak. 05P 005

I was living at home again. Husband was coming for a meal which my father was cooking, He made turkey and cauliflower cheese, but only enough for him and husband. I made beans on toast for my sister and me. I was quite annoyed, and kept glaring at their plates. I cleared the table but wouldn`t wash up because I was so cross. 05P 005

I was at work - I had handed in my notice and was leaving. I felt pleased but a bit apprehensive about the new job and nostalgic about leaving. 05P 008

I was at work, but we were based in a large department store in Bath. Upstairs were the sales department, I ran up the stairs, and thought one of the salesmen was talking to me, I couldn`t understand what he was saying, but it turned out he wasn`t speaking to me anyway. 05P 008

I was at work, talking to a user on the phone who had problems with the system. He wouldn`t tell me who he was, and I was telling him if he didn`t tell me who he was I couldn`t help him. He still refused and I was getting more OTT jolly trying to persuade him to tell me who he was, although I was being so "jolly" I was feeling quite hurt. 05P 013

After several dreams, I thought about how everybody else had buggered off and left us/me to cope with it. 05P 015

Something about work - we were based in a shop in Warminster, the system kept resetting itself, and we had to keep setting it up again, only for it to reset itself. The power kept going off and we would be in darkness for a while, then it would come on again, and the system had reset itself again. 05P 016

I was part of a team of international terrorists (!!), we were dressed in 70`s type clothes - I was wearing a pair of bright yellow flares (!). I was at my grandmother`s house, she thought the uniform was very smart. Outside was a menacing looking dark car - it was mine. Everything felt very dangerous and exciting. We were going of to London on a Terrorist Mission in separate cars. Then I was in the kitchen of my father`s house, my car was outside, I was still wearing my flares. Supervisor brought her children round, I made tea, and supervisor started telling me how dirty the kitchen floor was. 05P 017

I was in a launderette, filling a machine with washing, I put the money in, the cycle lasted 5 minutes. I realised I had overloaded the machine and was trying to pull things out as the time ticked down. I was pulling out pillowcases still containing pillows. Suddenly there was very little time left in the machine, the time was almost up and I knew nothing had been washed properly. 05P 019

I discovered all these shops in Warminster, they were clothes warehouses, there were 3 of them and they were huge, but not from the road, as they went underground. The entrances were difficult to get into, almost like a maze, then you went down all these steps into these huge rooms. Two of them were sort of interlocked with each other, the third was on its own. In one I went down a staircase and there was an absolutely enormous room; as I went down the stairs I could see this huge structure in the middle, like an enormous tomb. Clothes were everywhere, they were quite strange in a sort of ethnic way, with lots of zigzag triangular lines (skirts had VVVVVVV hems, so did tops). I didn`t know whether to buy anything, everything was very cheap but strange. 05P 021

I was at home washing up. A young girl appeared at the door, she said she had tried to ring, but the phone wasn`t working. I didn`t like her, she had been working at a pub husband had been working at, and I felt jealous. There were two other people in the room, they were an older couple. The man asked how old I was, when I told them they didn`t seem surprised, in fact they seemed to think I might be older. I went upstairs, my sister was in the bathroom, she was phoning our number, she said "there`s nothing wrong with the phone". 05P 022

Dreamed we had a new FD at work, he was very rude about some report/budget I had done. I told my boss I wanted to be made redundant anyway. 05P 027

A woman abseiling down an incredibly high building but she didn't have enough rope to reach the ground. 06P 000

I was on a mountain. A youth showed me the way down. Slept in his hall of Residence, a bleak cell/corridor room with doors at each end. Tried to sleep on separate mattresses. He had some shit balls. He was trying to impress me. I had a feeling of repulsion. I went to the other end of the room. Uncomfortable. Yuck. I don't like who you are. He had long hair and a hat. An attractive woman massaged him. They helped me put up a screen to give me some privacy. 06P 005

Several black friends visited me (I was in bed) to borrow and test my music equipment. They were impressed but it was not their thing. I put my clothes on quickly. Went to play them my music but was not sure they'd be impressed by it, feeling of wanting approval, vulnerable, being in bed. Not threatened. 06P 006

We have committed murder and are being chased by the authorities. An oriental island, lots of people, small streets and hills. Climbed up hill towards a school. Ascended to the top of the building. Needed a helicopter to escape. Felt remorse and dread about the crime. I wouldn't have killed but was connected with the murder. There is a girl who can fly, we follow her in hope but she won't leap off the sheer drop. At sea, a nuclear bomb goes off. It is beautiful. We watch in awe as the island is destroyed. 06P 008

I'm at Glastonbury Festival, feel alone, left out, unvalued. Play in a band but no-one values me. 06P 012

High up on a snowy mountain, but it was warm snow with a lot of glittery light, and I was walking around this really dangerous part with another person who is very experienced but who wasn't helping me. There were some great drops, and I would be teetering around this great drop and suddenly this woman would come running past me, very comfortably, and I would be thinking bloody hell! I hope you fall off'. 06P 023

Dream daughter came in from outside wearing a long nightie and dressing gown, she was very upset. She said a man had been taking photos of her, getting her to pose. I was angry but I didn't feel it or show it. I felt strangely detached. Next dream was of my female cat that has been doctored. She was outside with other cats all around. They were on the prowl looking for a cat to mate. My cat was bowed down in the position to be mated, crying out to be mated, but was being ignored. I felt more for the cat in this dream than I had for my daughter. 07P 005

Dream of a majestic setting, a castle, where people, including me, were coming out of the grand building into a large, open area. One person at a time had their name called out and were cheered for doing well at college. They called my name and I was cheered too but I did not like this. 09P 002

A party I did not have the right clothes. 09P 003

I met someone who I thought I knew from a party but he said he was not there. He was very important looking in uniform but was really an AA man. 09P 004

I went on holiday with a man that I wanted to have a relationship with but on the first morning he went off without me and I was extremely disappointed. He pretended that I would enjoy being left with someone who would teach me how to smoke. At this point in the dream I was a child who did try smoking but felt I'd been let down without understanding why. The landlady then explained to me that he had had an extremely embarrassing and dreadful time being forced to make love to two people while a crowd watched and that he had great difficulty in getting close to people. She tried to make me less disappointed but I didn't. I went to where I thought he had gone but never found him that day. Later in dream a newspaper announced that he wanted to marry me, first I had heard about it, but I was absolutely delighted. 09P 005

Dreamt about Botswana, where I used to live in Africa. I talked to someone in depth about it because I thought that they had been there too, but I found out later that they had not. Felt disappointed. 09P 006

Girl who used to live here asked to stay and stayed in my bedroom so I had to sleep somewhere else. I said she could stay for a couple of days while she found somewhere else, but a week later she was still with us and put her dinner in my clock. I tried to talk to a group of people about it but several got up and left. I felt unsupported by then and needed a group who could both help practically with ideas and listed to my emotions. 09P 013

Strong dream. I gave birth to a daughter, there was no one there to help or support me. She was rather small and rather lifeless. She would not feed well. I could not cut the cord and it was long and trailing, no placenta in the dream. I had no clothes for her. I asked someone to call the hospital so that someone could cut the cord as I was scared of causing infection, but I was told it was not worth it. General feeling of both myself and the child being pretty worthless. Later she changed into a newborn kitten and was mixing with cats and dogs, some of who had bad colds, etc. I was very concerned that she would catch disease from these cats. There was a pig in the dream that was strutting around very proudly and with energy. It was seriously well looked after since it was wearing special plastic ears/headpiece that was well designed to make him look special and cared for. The cord was both long and not clipped to stop loss of fluid although no fluid was coming out. I took my daughter to bed but found someone was already in my bed so we had to sleep in someone else's bed that had not been tidied up properly but was worn and comfortable at least. 09P 017

Tipped out someone's audio cassettes from my underwear drawer, which completely hid my underwear so that I thought that I was in the wrong drawer, and then found someone else's camera bit underneath. I tipped these out into a carrier bag and was sobbing deeply at the lack of respect for my space. Some one, my mother?, was concerned about me and listened but did not do anything. 09P 021

Dream that I was reading two circulars about nothing to do with homoeopathy and two people came on the homoeopathy course, I realized that they would not be interested and I took them out and threw them away. 09P 021

I am back at my convent school, I want to go to the toilet. A nun shows me where to go. The toilet is strange like a bowl set into the wall and I have to sit in the water in the bowl. A female saint appears, glowing in the room. One minute she is talking to me, the next thing I know she is a tiny, grotesque, rubbery head floating in the toilet which I am sitting on. I go outside. There is a big garden hammock being erected by some schoolboys in uniform. It is flying away in the wind, as they try to haul it in ith ropes. The material is dark blue patterned with gold fleurs de lys. I keep hearing the words Iron-bar, iron-bar, iron-bar and the image of a glittering iron bar flashes in, as I try to pull at the material and release it in the wind. Suddenly, I'm back at home. I see my cat squashed in the road, but his head is still alive and erect, crying and talking. 15G 015





Sensorium Inner head Outer head Sight and eyes Hearing and ears Smell and nose Face Mouth, taste and tongue Throat Appetite, thirst and desires Belching and nausea Stomach and hypochondria Abdomen Rectum and stool Urine Male sexual organs Female sexual organs Voice Inner chest, respiration, lungs and cough Heart, pulse and circulation Outer chest Neck and back Upper limbs Fingernails Lower limbs Sleep Temperature and weather Sensations Skin


I stood up and felt incredibly dizzy and trippy, right out of my body. 02P 006 18.00 NS

Big rush of alteredness on the way home. Was driving and had the sensation of hands on the wheel with the wheel being large and throbbing as were my hands, but I had no awareness of my arms. The outside really felt like it could disintegrate at any time, like tripping. Very detached and zoomed in on me being separate from life, I thought then I should pull off the road for a while and then the state diminished. 02P 021 XX.XX NS

Drove partner to town, actually he drove, and as soon as we got into the car I had the waves of alteredness and detatchment come over me, there is a definite link to being in the car. Very much an awareness centred in the stomach, like it is enlarged. 02P 021 XX.XX NS

Fell down stairs after getting up in morning. Never normally do things like this. Put my foot on top step. Skin on soles of feet felt really dry. Foot just didn't seem to connect in stable way with step, slipped off and I slid down whole length of stairs on my back and bum. Severe bruising on bum, very stunned for half hour or so. 24G 000 XX.XX NS

Inner head

Headache which is very unusual for me. Left side frontal doesn't quite extend to temple, pulsating, dull. 01P 001 17.00 NS

A big headache started coming on which stayed in a moderate state all day. 02P 021 11.00 NS

Headache from temple to temple like a band across my forehead 02P 024 XX.XX OS

Tiredness, headache coming and going. 02P 025 XX.XX NS

Had a headache when I woke up; took some aspirin, thought I don`t care if this is a symptom, I`m not suffering. 05P 002 09.00 NS

Headache this morning, right side, over eye. 05P 028 XX.XX NS

Headache came right down over my face, and seemed to press inward. 05P 028 XX.XX NS

Bit like cold, bit like hay fever. Sore throat. 06P 009 XX.XX RS

Cold symptoms, mild. Head and face ache, sore throat and temperature. Good to stay in bed without guilt. 06P 011 XX.XX RS

Irritation in nasal sinuses, mild headache. 06P 012 XX.XX RS

Still have cold about me but it is not a very mucousy cold. 07P 020 17.00 OS

Headache on left side. The left side of my nose was blocked. This is different as have been getting right sided headaches and blocked nose the last few days before proving started. 08P 003 16.30 AS

There is a pulsating throbbing sensation in my left temple and my eyes feel heavy as if I have been up for hours. 08P 003 16.30 NS

Headache, mostly left and a bit on the right. Nose blocked. Different to the other day, but forehead alternates from left to right, but mostly left, pulsates more on one side then goes to the other. 08P 005 XX.XX NS

Lots of headaches. 15G 000 XX.XX NS

Starting to catch a cold , and feeling congested and bunged up in the head. No mucous flowing, just a strong congestion. Pain throbbing in the head and around the eye orbits. 15G 002 18.00 AS

Pain and congestion in the head with throbbing. 15G 003 XX.XX NS

Virtually constant headache. Pressure in between eyebrows at top of nose, couldn't tell if pressure was in or out. Better very, very hard localized pressure, pressing finger into it so hard I'd almost break my finger. Worse anxiety others and anxiety over inability to do work, but the latter much less so. My headaches usually centre round here somewhere, but less focused, always better hard pressure, always worse anxiety over others. 24G 000 XX.XX IOS

Outer head

Cold tingly sensation in scalp, sort of rising upwards, on the left hand side. 05P 005 21.00 NS

Had another cold tingly feeling on the top of my head, lasted only about 5 minutes. 05P 011 21.00 NS

Vague sensation of dryness on the top of the head. 06P 001 17.00 NS

Hair very dry. 09P 003 XX.XX NS

Hair still feels a complete mess. 09P 010 XX.XX NS

Sight and eyes

Upon opening my eyes, Vision brighter & more clarity. 01P 001 17.00 NS

Vision clearer, brighter 01P 001 17.00 NS

Vision cloudy, slightly hazy, where yesterday it was completely clear. 01P 003 XX.XX NS

Vision quite clear - more sharp clarity than normal. 01P 007 XX.XX NS

I noticed that whenever I looked at anything white (like a piece of paper) on the floor the image became superimposed on other areas of the carpet, at bit like staring at a bright light for a while, then finding the "light" is on everything you look at. 05P 001 17.00 NS

Everything seems brighter. 05P 001 17.00 NS

Everything felt very sharp visually. 05P 001 18.00 NS

Vision really sharp - kept looking at some bright yellow flowers outside. 05P 002 XX.XX NS

Pain in left eye briefly this morning, stabbing. 05P 004 10.00 NS

Everything still sharp (vision) - it`s a bit like being a child again, and seeing everything super-sharp and bright. 05P 004 XX.XX NS

Sharp, outlines seem quite definite. Eyes getting caught by bright colours more than usual. 05P 005 XX.XX NS

When I opened my eyes I felt that someone had turned the light up 06P 001 17.00 NS

On going to sleep saw dapples, flashes of light. 06P 002 XX.XX NS

People said I had a "faraway look in my eye". 06P 003 XX.XX NS

Eyes didn't like sunlight. 06P 012 XX.XX RS

More visions on closing eyes when going to sleep - strange, vaguely menacing - not personified but I'm not afraid. 06P 024 XX.XX NS

Eyes very sensitive to light whilst driving. 06P 036 XX.XX RS

Vision sharper. 07P 001 17.00 NS

I look down at my page, it appears to come towards me. 07P 001 17.30 NS

Eyes feel shiny, looking outside, things seem sharper, clearer. 07P 001 18.00 NS

I couldn't catch the images. I couldn't focus on anything. It was like the tv when the vertical/horizontal hold is wrong. 07P 001 20.00 NS

On closing my eyes, images become distorted. Its as if the vertical hold on the television needs adjusting. Zig Zags. Images such as you see on computer screens and televisions when they aren't tuned in. 07P 001 24.00 NS

Right eyelid twitching. 07P 002 14.30 OS

I notice my eyes still feel bright. Its as if I'm looking through cleaner windows. There is a clarity. 07P 003 12.30 NS

Twitching right eyelid. 07P 028 19.30 NS

Right eyelid keeps twitching. 07P 034 XX.XX NS

When I opened my eyes, everything looked as if I was looking through a pink transparency for a few seconds. Then everything just seemed very bright. 08P 001 17.00 NS

The traffic lights seemed very bright. Every car that overtook us felt too close. I kept thinking we might crash but wasn't worried about it. I just didn't like the suddenness of something coming too close to me. We were quite haphazard in our route - but this was fine, I knew we would get there. However, I remember being very insistent that my friend should go certain ways and felt that she wasn't on the ball. I knew I only felt half there, half dreamy and thought that it would not be possible for me to drive safely. I felt my friend was in a similar state so I felt I had to watch carefully. I was strange because it wasn't exactly anxiety. 08P 001 20.00 NS

People at the restuarant observed that I looked 'spaced out', and that my pupils were so enlarged that they could not tell my eye colour. 08P 003 21.00 NS

Eyes feel heavy. 08P 005 XX.XX NS

Eye sight not quite clear. 09P 001 17.30 NS

Flashes of neon colour span round in a wide circle around me. 15G 001 16.30 NS

Hearing and ears

Was very aware of rhythmic central heating sound in room. 01P 001 17.00 NS

Last night and tonight had the sensation in my ear like it's clogged with water 02P 023 XX.XX NS

Inside my ears feel strange as if I have a cold starting. 07P 001 23.00 NS

Feeling of pressure in my ears but not as bad as last night - like someone blowing a balloon. Pressure from outward, now my ears feel completely sore. 08P 007 XX.XX NS

Feeling of pressure in my ears but not as bad as last night - like someone blowing a balloon. Pressure from outward, now my ears feel completely sore. 08P 007 XX.XX NS

Hearing acute though little response. 09P 001 17.30 NS

My right ear is humming and buzzing sounds like a car engine. 15G 021 XX.XX NS

A worsening of this horrible humming in my right ear which sounds like a car engine revving. I keep thinking there is someone outside in the lane. 15G 026 XX.XX NS

Fascinated and transported by Mozart. 15G 031 XX.XX AS

Smell and nose

For my birthday I got this foot stuff and it had this really strong smell of clove oil in it, I had to go running out of the room, it made me feel so sick, and my daughter came running out of the room saying she thought it was going to kill her. She was holding her stomach and her nose started streaming blood and her mouth started streaming blood and we both ran out from that smell. 02P 000 XX.XX NS

Sneezed, common for me but immediately felt that I was geting a cold, very rare for me: stuffy nose & head. Had just started making some notes on Nat mur. lasted a short time, less than half an hour. 03P 003 21.50 OS

Noticed I`m really sensitive to smell. Over half an hour after meeting the MD this morning I noticed I could smell something on my hand, and realised it was his aftershave (from where he had shaken my hand). I sat in a meeting this afternoon with 2 others, one of whom had eaten a cough sweet before the meeting and the smell was so strong it felt as if it was burning a hole in my nose. I had to sit through the meeting with a hankie on my nose to keep the smell out, and at one point left to get some fresh air. 05P 003 XX.XX NS

Have noticed when I blow my nose it`s black and dusty - a bit like when I lived in London, with all the traffic and pollution. 05P 003 XX.XX NS

Black stuff when I blow my nose, still, like soot. Nose is quite dried up. Blowing it much less than usual, but always sooty when I do. Usually get hay-fevery this time of year, sneezy, but I'm not, it's quite dry. 05P 004 XX.XX NS

Went round Tescos tonight, had to get away from the meat counter because something smelt so strong. It was a disgusting smell - just had a whiff - it could have made me feel sick, was really strong. Sensitive to pepper, to people (BO and things like that). 05P 006 19.00 NS

Not blowing nose at all - it's completely dry. Usually walking round with tissues, hankies at this time of year, get hay-fevery and sneezy. Most unusual for me. 05P 006 XX.XX NS

Very sneezy this morning. 05P 015 XX.XX OS

Wearing a smelly T-shirt that had stayed in the washing machine too long. making me feel a bit sick. 06P 007 XX.XX NS

Left nostril itchy, irritated, red, hot. Rubbing trying making eyes water. Scratched felt burning, raw, sore. 06P 008 XX.XX NS

Nose crusty, blood in mucous. I think that when I blow the nose, as the crusts come away they cause a little bit of soreness and bleeding. 07P 006 08.00 NS

Clear mucous - snotty nose right more than left. 07P 010 19.00 OS

On blowing nose, usual sticky mucous (since remedy), nose feels sore as if it still has crusts in it, but it hasn't. 07P 012 07.00 NS

No mucous in nose. Dry mouth and throat. 15G 003 XX.XX NS


My face felt very flushed. 02P 001 17.00 NS

Welts on face, like big red spots turn into welts,quite sore feel like they should come to a head but don't, worse when tired. 02P 016 XX.XX OS

I have a lot of spots on my face, which are hard and painful. 02P 060 XX.XX OS

This evening I noticed my checks feel gritty and sore around the eye-socket - it is as though I have grit under the skin all around the lower eyes socket. Thought it might be spots, but there aren`t any. Very sore to touch. Worse on the right side. 05P 006 XX.XX NS

Face is quite spotty. 05P 011 XX.XX OS

Spot under left nostril pussy and tender. 06P 006 XX.XX NS

Went to sleep with very tight jaw. 09P 003 XX.XX NS

Stiff back on waking and tight jaw. 09P 012 07.00 NS

According to boyfriend facial expression was "don't bother me", "don't engage me". Body language apparently closed, folded arms, legs crossed away. I'd get physical things between me and him, tables, hug cushions, sit away from him instead of touching him as I usually would. 24G 000 XX.XX NS

Mouth, taste and tongue

My tongue felt swollen and numb on the sides and at the back. 02P 001 17.00 NS

Lots of mouth ulcers, on tongue and inside bottom lip. 02P 045 XX.XX NS

Incredibly sugary mouth 06P 001 17.00 NS

Mouth ulcers top left, and bottom right coming on. Dragging me down. Sharp pain, better cold, better clean mouth, worse chocolate, sweet. 06P 002 XX.XX RS

Under tongue, fleshy bits sensitive, aware of it - ulcer? - bit red, slightly swollen. 06P 008 XX.XX NS

Skin under tongue (frenulum) has painless ulcer. Base of frenulum on floor of mouth, the bit under my tongue became swollen and red and enlarged, it looked like it had been painted. It felt like it was under my tongue and was swishing around all the time and was really irritating me. (The other ulcers, which have now gone, hurt). 06P 012 XX.XX NS

Front right lip and back right a few mouth ulcers. 06P 016 XX.XX OS

Toothache and ulcer ache top and bottom right worse after eating, sugar; better cleaning, pressure. 06P 025 XX.XX RS

Mouth ulcers very bad, speech difficult, depressed. 06P 030 XX.XX RS

Ulcers worse, new ones. I'm pissed off with this, painful. 06P 040 XX.XX NS

My glands under my chin (salivary glands I think). It's as if they are being stimulated. The same feeling I would get in them as a child, before I was sick. 07P 001 17.30 NS

Mouth feels very dry, I have eaten but more out of duty. 08P 006 XX.XX NS

Mouth feels very soft and relaxed. 09P 001 17.30 NS

I experienced sudden profuse salivation which lasted several hours. 14G 001 00.30 NS


Throat - a feeling like going to be sick - in the area between the chest and the back of the mouth. 03P 001 17.00 NS

Phlegm wouldn't go away despite swallowing. 06P 018 XX.XX NS

Throat feels as if it's going to get sore, sensation reaches up into back of nose. Again as if I'm going to get a cold. 07P 001 24.00 NS

I have a painful throat (left side) on swallowing. I am sneezing and thirsty. 07P 015 08.00 NS

Throat worse all over on swallowing. Nose runny and clear. 07P 015 19.00 NS

I have a sensation in the back of the throat as if something is present - it's not moving. It's as if the big fat slimy creature that is in my abdomen has got so big it's bulging up into my throat. It's resting. When I swallow - it goes away momentarily. 07P 034 13.00 NS

Goo thick in throat have to keep swallowing. 08P 001 17.00 NS

Throat bad swollen, red. Neck inside throat slightly swollen. 08P 006 17.30 NS

Throat still feels enlarged, swollen like a puffy feeling. I am very much aware of it. Back of throat feels spongy swollen. Glands very tender to the touch. Inside the neck throat feels swollen. Difficult to swallow. Throat red and shiny, glands. 08P 007 XX.XX NS

Appetite, thirst and desires

Noticed a liking rather than a desire for chocolate. 01P 000 XX.XX NS

I want to drink lots of water. 01P 001 17.00 NS

Suddenly very hungry at the taste of food. 01P 001 XX.XX NS

Not thirsty, normally drink a lot of water, today much less than normal. 01P 003 XX.XX NS

Not hungry (unusual) eating from boredom 01P 003 XX.XX NS

The thought of the pork fat I put in a casserole makes me want to vomit. I fished it all out - don't know if I'll be able to eat what's left. 01P 005 17.00 NS

Not hungry until I eat - then I am hungry. (I noted this before hungry at taste of food) 01P 008 XX.XX NS

I have been consciously drinking more water, but my urine is definitely darker - no particular smell. 01P 023 XX.XX NS

Drinking consciously today. I experience thirst but don't necessarily want to do anything about it. 01P 025 XX.XX NS

I've been experiencing thirst - I sometimes become aware how thirsty I am. Before I drank alot of water as a matter of course. Now I'm doing so more consciously - my urine has returned to its previous colour. 01P 025 XX.XX NS

Coffee tastes good again. I have had my usual morning coffee all along. I'd completely forgotten about it after taking the remedy and had my usual cup the morning after - there was no reaction and I decided to keep it in my routine - I never have coffee except in the morning and have had one mug in the morning about a half-hour after I get up. During the proving it has tasted funny and most days I've pored it down the sink. It's such a routine that I continued making it and this morning it tastes good. (After antidoting) 01P 032 07.15 NS

I haven't been drinking any water. I usually drink pints of water a day, but I haven't wanted to. 02P 000 XX.XX NS

Smoking loads. Strong craving to smoke, usually have this desire less intense and more fleeting, don't usually get into it. 02P 004 XX.XX NS

Eating a lot, normally a bit anorexic; stuffing, not controlling her desires. 02P 005 XX.XX NS

Get really hungry, intensly so, around midday. Makes me feel totally empty, cross and feeble. 02P 009 XX.XX NS

Desire to smoke back to normal. Not so into eating. Getting some work done. 02P 009 XX.XX NS

Got really hungry. 02P 025 11.00 NS

I put on alot of weight which is unusual for me to do and made me feel very uncomfortable. 02P 041 XX.XX NS

Cutting down on tobacco, but I still seem to need it. 02P 074 XX.XX NS

I notice that I'm not drinking in gulps even when very thirsty, sipping only. 03P 007 XX.XX NS

I just kept helping myself to food; halva, fruit bread, butter, was eating without noticing and didn`t care. 05P 002 13.00 NS

Not very hungry. 05P 003 XX.XX NS

Had corned beef and piccalilli sandwich today - normally hate corned beef (eyeballs and fatty), and loathe pickles, but really enjoyed this one. 05P 005 XX.XX NS

Lunchtime very thirsty, for something sharp. Bought apple juice. 'Catarrhy' taste in mouth, better for apple juice. 05P 007 13.00 NS

Felt a bit sick this evening at the thought of dinner. Have lost 7lbs. 05P 007 19.00 NS

Still not very hungry, ate dinner although didn't want it, left the vegetables (unusual, would generally eat vegetables first). 05P 007 20.00 NS

Realised I haven`t eaten much this week, not really interested in food, appetite is really poor. 05P 007 XX.XX NS

Really fancy corned beef and piccalilli sandwich - strong craving. Bought some piccalilli this afternoon. 05P 008 XX.XX NS

No appetite tonight. 05P 014 19.00 NS

Couldn`t face anything to eat lunchtime - the thought of food made me feel sick. Went outside instead and sat by the river. It started to wear of in the afternoon a bit, but tonight I didn`t want anything to eat either. 05P 028 13.00 NS

Better for eating, ate a lot this evening. 06P 003 XX.XX RS

Gone off chocolate - less addicted to it. 06P 035 XX.XX NS

I notice that I have been ravenously hungry since taking the remedy. I have had to get the evening meal earlier because of it. I then found I was snacking through the evening. 07P 000 XX.XX NS

I have a stronger desire than usual for chocolate.Nearly every night I have fancied hot chocolate before going to bed (mainly for the chocolate itself but also to quell my hunger before bed). 07P 000 XX.XX NS

I've not been so thirsty, except when I had the sore throat. If I did drink my normal quantity of water, I found I needed more visits to the toilet. 07P 000 XX.XX NS

Ravenously hungry. 07P 008 17.00 OS

Have two lagers which give me a lift and I feel great again. 07P 008 18.30 NS

Start to feel a bit flat. I can't wait for my Dad to arrive for lunch so that I can have some lagers! Yes alcohol definitely gives me a lift. 07P 009 11.30 NS

Desiring lagers to give me a lift. 07P 015 20.00 NS

I'm really off my food. 07P 033 XX.XX NS

Don't want my tea - I have to force myself to eat. 07P 034 18.00 NS

No appetite. 08P 002 XX.XX NS

No thirst. 08P 002 XX.XX NS

Appetite diminished, normally I drink a lot and at the moment I don't, I have not been thirsty at all. 08P 003 XX.XX NS

Felt slightly nauseous. 09P 005 09.00 NS

Have been hungry, especially at lunch time, since the proving started. 09P 007 XX.XX NS

Felt sick eating school dinners. 09P 010 12.00 NS

Still drinking less than usual. 09P 010 XX.XX NS

Felt sick when had school dinner. 09P 012 12.00 NS

Still eating more than usual especially of sweet things. 09P 016 XX.XX NS

Not wanting to eat, a sort of aversion to food. 15G 000 XX.XX NS

Variations in appetite over the past 3-4 days. At times voraciously hungry, then feeling nauseous after eating, then an aversion to all food. 15G 018 XX.XX NS

Strong chocolate cravings, much more than usual. 15G 018 XX.XX NS

Noticed when I didn't have time for breakfast that I haven't eaten breakfast for days. 15G 030 XX.XX AS

Sometimes following the proving I had this strong craving for dark chocolate. I just had to have it and I would find myself going to the shops especially to purchase dark chocolate. This went on for at least two weeks. I had to have my fix of chocolate daily during that period. I thought it was rather strange since I seldomly eat chocolate. In two weeks I ate more chocolate than I would do in a whole year. 17G 000 XX.XX NS

Had to have a choc ice, craving chocolate. 17G 001 XX.XX NS

Belching and nausea

Immediately nausea and vertigo. 01P 001 17.00 NS

Vertigo and nausea on closing eyes, but nausea and dizziness stabilized. 01P 001 17.00 NS

At five o'clock or so, because I noticed it afterwards, I began to feel nausea. I felt that for at least a week, probably more, everyday at five o'clock, it would last for one or two hours. It may have been better for eating, but my hunger mechanism has been off. 01P 002 XX.XX NS

Nausea app. 5:30 - 8:00, I'd had nausea within minutes of taking the drug. 01P 003 17.30 RS

I thought it was 5ish - because I'm feeling the nausea. Appetite off - neither hungry nor thirsty. 01P 007 17.15 NS

Nausea, slight better eating but still present. (this lasts for 1-2 hours) 01P 008 17.00 NS

In the kitchen filling the pet bowls I had a couple of waves of nausea, accompanied by hot flushes. I feel groggy still and as if I need some more sleep. 01P 014 06.00 NS

On the tube ride I was sure I was going to throw up, felt claustrophobic. 02P 015 XX.XX NS

For the last two months I have burped and farted non-stop, but now the wind feels painful. I'm normally fairly windy but this is more intense. 02P 060 XX.XX NS

Feel a bit shaky trembling sensation, a bit like when you're going to be sick. 03P 001 17.00 NS

Feel as if I ate too much lunch, heavy, and slightly nauseous. Head feels a bit furry. Dozy. Dozed on the bed till 14.15h. Unrefreshed. 03P 005 13.30 NS

Went to college, listening to everyone`s effects from the proving was amazing. At one of the morning breaks got lumbered with this woman who was moaning about everything, started to feel sick and faint. 05P 028 11.30 NS

Belching and full of air in lower abdomen. Not feeling any pressure in uterus. 07P 010 21.30 OS

Lots of loud belching with no relief. My husband complains and says I sound like a ....pig! I stare in amazement. He's very angry and I know that normally I would have been very hurt by his behaviour. I don't feel hurt, but I decide to behave as if I did feel it. 07P 010 24.00 NS

Nausea after eating my lunch. Felt disgusted eating my sandwiches. Can't bear lettuce, tomatoes or cucumber. They make me feel sick. 07P 034 13.00 NS

Stomach and hypochondria

Stomach alive and enlarged, butterflies. 02P 001 17.00 NS

Stomach feels hard and bloated and rumbling, like my food hasn't digested. 02P 041 XX.XX NS

Stomach is bloated and sore. 02P 052 XX.XX NS

Whenever I eat evening meal I still get this terrible indigestion, stomach feels heavy, bloated, and uncomfortable. 02P 072 XX.XX NS

Indigestion still really bad after eating. 02P 074 XX.XX NS

Stomach ache this evening, feels like a period, but it can`t be. 05P 013 XX.XX NS

Sharp pain in stomach for 5 seconds before going on stage. 06P 028 XX.XX NS

Flutterings start up, right hypochondria again. 07P 002 16.30 NS

Flutterings in right side again. 07P 019 12.30 NS

Flutterings in right side. Occasional twitching of right eyelid, never at the same time as flutterings in side. 07P 020 12.30 NS

Flutterings all day long in my right side and my right eyelid. 07P 032 XX.XX NS

Stomach pains 15G 000 XX.XX NS

Strong stomach cramps and waves of nausea. 15G 018 XX.XX NS


Very aware of my stomach, also it felt very enlarged. 02P 001 17.00 NS

Now in the evening stomach feels quite sore and windy. 02P 006 XX.XX NS

There has been a lot of focus in the stomach, like when I'm pre-menstrual, though now I'm mid cycle, I feel tense withdrawn and cramped at times. 02P 007 XX.XX NS

In agony with stomach, twisted in knots, unbearable. 02P 020 XX.XX NS

I have been having bad colicky pains in stomach. 02P 040 XX.XX NS

Bouts of weird feeling in my stomach, like I am aware of it. 02P 052 XX.XX NS

I have great indigestion after my evening meal. 02P 060 XX.XX NS

When swimming I had bad abdominal colic, cutting pain, like my abdomen tied in knots with pockets of wind. Kept swimming though, better after. 02P 074 XX.XX NS

Bloated feeling above waist after cup of tea following lunch. Heavy feeling generally. Breathing a bit heavy, laboured. 03P 005 13.00 NS

Had an odd sensation around diaphragm, woke up feeling almost as if someone was sitting on me, moved around but feeling wouldn`t go; it`s like a cross between a cramp and a cold ice block, going round from my back (left side) across my stomach around diaphragm area. 05P 023 XX.XX NS

Odd, cold sensation in abdomen still there this morning, went around lunchtime, I tried to ignore it. 05P 024 XX.XX NS

Still not comfortable. "Odd" cold sensation there again briefly this morning from 9 to 11ish (still ignoring it though). 05P 025 09.00 NS

Tummy swollen, noisy, belching a lot. Continues until bedtime. 07P 006 22.00 OS

Tummy swollen, womb area feels tender. 07P 007 10.30 OS

Abdomen starts to feel bloated again. No belching tonight. Wind coming out other end this time. 07P 007 22.30 OS

Tummy full of air but I don't feel bloated. I can feel poppings and rumblings lower in lower abdomen. 07P 010 16.30 OS

Once I start my meal I can feel abdomen blowing out and belching starts. 07P 011 19.00 NS

Windy pains in lower abdomen. Tiredness - could sleep. 07P 022 14.00 NS

Abdomen blowing out. 07P 034 16.30 NS

Lying in bed, the flutterings in my abdomen are quite strong. It's a horrible feeling, knowing this thing is in there. It's not that the flutterings are the creature, they are just a reminder that the remedy is still with me. I really need to know if this remedy is a living creature; if it is then I won't feel so mad. If it's a mineral or something I feel I will look a fool. 07P 034 23.30 NS

Heavy feeling in stomach area - like a band. Accompanied by salivating and a nauseous feeling. Got worse and worse until my stomach felt blown up like a balloon. I then started burping more and more with no relief - until there was a very 'hard' burp that seemed to come from very low down and hurt as it rose. After this still uncomfortable but slightly improved. A lot better after stool. 08P 002 17.30 NS

Woke feeling abdomen very distended. 08P 003 06.30 NS

Rectum and stool

Stools have been very irregular without worrying about it. My homoeopath remembers I'm always anxious about this. 02P 008 XX.XX NS

I have been constipated during my period until now, usually I am quite loose at this time. 02P 021 XX.XX NS

My constipation is easing. 02P 022 XX.XX NS

Constipation feels bad today. 02P 024 XX.XX NS

I am aware of feeling a blockage with this constipation. 02P 041 XX.XX NS

Had a big stool, the first in a month, which was painful to pass. Normally I am quite regular, a bit constipated at ovulation and very loose during menstruation. Last month I remained constipated during my period as well which is very unusual. Went back to being constipated after this one stool, but otherwise my period was normal. 02P 041 XX.XX NS

Constipation remains, no urge, no power to stool, only small balls ever come. 02P 045 XX.XX NS

Had my first productive, natural bowel movement in the last two months, but my stomach feels hard and bloated. 02P 060 XX.XX NS

Constipation on going for over a month now. Hardly any feeling or power to pass stool. Stool comes out in small hard balls. 02P 060 XX.XX NS

Period arrives normally except that I feel constipated, unusual at this time of the month. 02P 064 XX.XX NS

Movement in bowel near rectum. 03P 001 17.00 NS

Stools seem to be alternating between too soft and rabbit-iike. 03P 002 XX.XX NS

Two stools before 10 o'clock recently, I can't remember when, started having two stools per day but not so close together. 03P 008 XX.XX NS

Stool (2nd time today) - moister than usual. 07P 004 24.00 NS

Opened bowels again (2nd time). Lots of belching and feelings as if I need to pass wind. 07P 010 17.30 OS

Very loose stool, slight pains as if they were diarrhoea pains in lower abdomen. Period has started. 07P 011 08.30 NS

Pains again, thought I was going to have loose stool again but didn't. They weren't period pains. 07P 011 10.30 NS

Desperately wanted to fart and release it but couldn't. 08P 003 07.00 NS

Suddenly had to go to the loo - intense urging to stool. 08P 003 08.30 NS

Several bouts of very loose stool. Strange light brown / orange thin stools. Came out with some force - bits of stool. Felt relief each time after stool but each time anus very sore. Feels as if torn at orifice. 08P 004 15.00 NS

Constipated - could not go until around 3 pm . 08P 004 XX.XX NS

Feels as if trapped wind in abdomen, feel movement in abdomen. 08P 005 XX.XX NS

Still problems with GI tract. Uncomfortable when I go to stool as felt like it was all exploding out - strange thin dark stools. 08P 005 XX.XX NS

Had an explosion for pressure of stools coming out, but stools were not so heavy, more normal, more like usual. I felt I had to go now, that I didn't have any control, that I would mess like in diarrhoea, but it was not diarrhoea. 08P 083 XX.XX NS

Stool unusually large and hard though not constipated. 09P 003 XX.XX NS

Stools still larger than usual, but less so than yesterday. 09P 004 XX.XX NS

Passed more wind than usual. 09P 006 XX.XX NS

Stools are still larger and drier than before. 09P 007 XX.XX NS


Due to my inexperience, I think I've not noted this before: My urine is darker and has been for much of the proving. I have not been drinking as much water as I normally do either. 01P 022 XX.XX NS

Have probably been producing less urine since the proving. 09P 009 XX.XX NS

Male sexual organs

Libido very low, flat, unusual. 01P 003 XX.XX NS

Sex - climax didn't come readily, poor orgasm. 03P 002 23.00 OS

Remarkable gentle sex with diffused orgasm. 03P 008 09.00 NS

Feel freer during masturbation, fear of making a mess disappeared. 06P 05 XX.XX NS

Female sexual organs

Was very aware of my pelvic area also, not horny but awakened. 02P 001 17.00 NS

Had some vaginal discharge right away, but discharge is not unusual for me. 02P 001 17.00 RS

Felt like I had a mole on my right labia towards the back, like the spots I sometimes get. Nothing there but sore all day, felt like it was about to burst but nothing there. 02P 008 XX.XX OS

Got my period after 24 days the most pattern in a long time. 02P 013 XX.XX CS

Very, very heavy bleeding all day period not usually this heavy. 02P 015 XX.XX NS

Period very heavy but was quickly over. 02P 016 XX.XX CS

At first my partner was distant, then he came and sat with me rubbing my back. I made myself look into his eyes, the feeling was one of intense vulnerability. After a lot of this we finally went to bed. We ended up making love or rather my partner making love to me and the orgasm was the most intense I have ever had. 02P 019 XX.XX NS

I have quite a lot of fishy smelling clear discharge, with stronger smell 02P 022 XX.XX AS

Feelings of soreness all around my vagina and up to my anus. I can feel pimples about to flare up, especially on the right labia towards the perineum, and one actually came up and burst yesterday. 02P 022 XX.XX NS

Sore itchy vaginal and anal area. 02P 023 XX.XX OS

Warts sore when I pee last few weeks. 02P 030 XX.XX NS

During proving breasts grew, now small again. 02P 040 XX.XX NS

Period began, second normal one with 28 day interval in a long time, they have been very irregular in the last six to eight months. 02P 041 XX.XX CS

PMT was very intense, I felt very caged and tense and very irritable for a week and when it began it was so painful, my legs throbbed, my stomach was very cramped, my back hurt, my head was throbbing, all I could do was sit and cry. 02P 041 XX.XX NS

Much vaginal discharge. 02P 045 XX.XX IOS

Lots of vaginal discharge, continually, white. 02P 045 XX.XX IOS

Vagina was burning. 02P 045 XX.XX NS

My vaginal moles were very sore when urinating. 02P 045 XX.XX NS

Vaginal moles, which I have had for years are painful, sore, especially during coition. 02P 045 XX.XX NS

Vagina is sore both sides. 02P 049 XX.XX NS

I do generally have a lot of vaginal discharge, but I have had it constantly the last two months, so that I feel as if I have wet my knickers. 02P 060 XX.XX IRS

Have had a discharge, with blood streaks in it. 02P 074 XX.XX NS

Felt like I was premenstrual today, I'm midway through cycle. 02P 075 XX.XX NS

Fishy smell to discharge, very aware of it. 02P 075 XX.XX OS

Blood stained dark discharge, changed knickers two or three times. 02P 076 XX.XX NS

Felt pain around left ovary, short and sharp, stabbing, needle like, lasted about 5 mins. Wondered if I am ovulating - if I am its 7 days earlier than usual. 05P 004 17.45 NS

Pain left ovary again. 05P 005 20.00 NS

Have ovulated early (according to 'Persona' test) by 2 or 3 days. Didn't get any pain (would usually). 05P 010 XX.XX NS

Period pain a lot less than normal, didn`t fell sick or faint like I usually do. 05P 021 XX.XX CS

Still some period pain today, but this one has been okay, which is different. 05P 022 XX.XX CS

Womb feels it has expanded and is pushing on the rectum. Feeling has passed by 8.30 p.m. 07P 003 19.30 OS

Womb feels swollen, very slight tenderness. 07P 004 19.00 OS

Started feeling very itchy in vagina, lip area and anus, this was worse as day went on. 08P 004 XX.XX NS

Intense itching in entrance to vagina and surrounding area. Feel like I might be getting thrush. 08P 005 XX.XX OS

Terrible vaginal thrush. Started yesterday morning. Very itchy. Today it is everywhere, around anus. It hurts, it feels like it is everywhere. I haven't felt like this for 8 years when I was on the pill. Big white creamy lumps of it. Feels dreadful. 08P 006 XX.XX NS

Labia started to burn. 09P 011 XX.XX NS

Labia still burn when touched and on passing urine. 09P 012 XX.XX NS

Smelly yellow leucorrhoea, had to have a bath and change pants and leggings in the afternoon. 09P 022 XX.XX OS

Complete lack of sexual desire. Even when partner was keen, I really didn't want to - thought 'Oh, do leave me alone' and then 'Oh, get on with it then'. NO feeling at all - SO unlike me. 13G 000 XX.XX NS


It feels difficult to speak. 08P 006 XX.XX NS

I had to do a lot of singing and worked on focusing my voice in its higher register, and I incidentally discovered a vocal trick I had wanted to master for some years but had no idea how, which Irish singers use when decorating their melodies... The technique lies in focusing the head voice which is mostly used in high notes. 14G 007 XX.XX CS

Inner chest, respiration, lungs and cough

I have a cold - it's been coming on for a couple of days, not affecting me much, cattarrh, cough, slight sore throat right side. 01P 019 XX.XX NS

I had the feeling all morning that my chest was empty, weak and hollow. I actually had sharp pains on the left side. 02P 021 XX.XX NS

Thought chest pain was from over smoking but then thought that's ridiculous. 02P 021 XX.XX NS

Sharp pains throbbing in both sides of chest. 02P 025 09.00 NS

Continued to have this weak, hollow, painful chest. 02P 040 XX.XX NS

Warmth with a kind of congested feeling in the chest and head. 03P 001 17.00 NS

Short of breath while driving. 06P 016 XX.XX NS

Twitchings start on right hand side, just under lowest rib. Like a fluttering. I remember this same sort of fluttering when you first feel your baby move (obviously they are felt in the womb). 07P 001 24.00 NS

All day I had lots of flutterings in my side and in my right eye - becoming more frequent. 07P 030 XX.XX NS

Woke in the night with a tickling dry cough. It caused me to wake suddenly and is a totally new symptom. 09P 007 XX.XX NS

My right lung is hurting with a quick, stabbing pain. 15G 021 02.00 NS

Pains in right lung. 15G 026 XX.XX NS

Heart, pulse and circulation

Felt weighted (espcially the heart). 01P 003 XX.XX NS

My heart has been so heavy and I've been unable to do anything at all. 01P 031 11.30 NS

Thumping of my heart, so hard I thought my jumper would be moving too. 02P 001 17.00 NS

Started getting palpitations for a while. 05P 001 17.00 NS

Cold sensation around heart around 9:00 - lasted about 10 minutes. 05P 007 08.30 NS

I still haven't had any palpitations. Even though I felt anxious on flying I just took my rescue remedy and just allowed myself to go through what I was feeling. 07P 000 XX.XX CS

Heart thumping. Feel as I feel when I get angry. 07P 001 17.00 NS

Before I took the remedy I had been having palpitations (an old symptom of mine). They disappeared after the first half hour of the remedy. 07P 001 19.00 CS

Heart starts jumping about, thumping. 07P 002 17.00 NS

Few even beats of heart felt. 07P 004 22.00 NS

Heart stopped for a short while, followed by a loud thump, not unusual but I felt a sudden sense of fear with it which is unusual. 09P 001 17.30 NS

Outer chest

Uneasiness behind sternum, is it going to make me cough? Is it a palpitation? 03P 005 13.00 RS

There is a tingling sensation in breasts around nipple area. 07P 002 08.00 NS

Painful twinges in left breast (I have had twinges before, but not like this). Like a stabbing twinge traveling from centre out to nipple. 07P 007 22.30 NS

I notice left nipple is tender. 07P 014 08.00 NS

In shower I notice left nipple has a small white pus-filled spot on it. It is tender to the touch. This worries me slightly, but I decide it must be the remedy and put it out of my head. 07P 016 08.00 NS

Left nipple still has small white head on it. After Ive been up for 20 minutes moving about, it discharges spontaneously. Small amount of yellowy pus in two stages followed by a speck of blood and then it just stops and seems sealed. Tiny red bump there, no tenderness. I feel great relief, I must admit I do have a fear of cancer of the breast. This felt more like a cleansing, a clearing out of something. (I had a lot of mastitis when I was feeding my second and third children). 07P 017 09.00 NS

I notice during day that left breast is not feeling the same as the right. I don't want pressure on it. 07P 025 XX.XX OS

Left breast still feels different. It's a bit like the feeling you get 10 days before a period when you're aware that there is activity in the breasts. It's as if it's lumpy - but it isn't. 07P 026 XX.XX OS

Left breast still not right, especially if I apply pressure to the nipple. 07P 027 XX.XX OS

Feeling as if someone was pushing two fingers on a point just left of breastbone. Bruised, throbby feeling as if someone was continually pushing and releasing here. 08P 002 22.40 NS

Neck and back

My neck is stiff and sore. Particularly after sleep. I'm holding alot of tension here during the day and not standing my full height, but I'm breaking my neck at the back and pulling it into my body - this is affecting my whole spine - my shoulders drooping forward as if burdened, my lower back caving in. We went out to dinner last night and I became aware of the tension in my neck and back and I remembered that I've been feeling this - especially on waking. 01P 015 XX.XX NS

It feels as if I an breaking my neck at the back to support my head. 01P 015 XX.XX NS

Neck stiff again - is it work? I'm holding lots of tension at the base of my neck and shoulders. 01P 019 XX.XX NS

I woke with a very stiff neck again. 01P 021 05.30 NS

Neck is not stiff, but I'm aware of tension at base. 01P 022 07.00 NS

I'm still quite aware of my neck - it's not stiff or sore though. 01P 022 23.30 NS

Neck is stiff and sore into shoulders. 01P 024 06.30 NS

My neck and shoulders are so stiff and sore I can hardly move. Too much responsibility I see now - turning into burden-bearing. I'm trying to wear too many hats! 01P 024 23.30 NS

I saw clearly last night the cause of my neck and shoulder problems. I am just trying to do too much - a full-time job (that is not of my choosing) - my homeopathic studies - and I am seeing more people as a counsellor (my profession) - we are also DIYing a massive over-grown garden at this house. 01P 025 XX.XX NS

My neck and shoulders are so stiff and sore I half-woke every time I turned - because of the pain I began to wonder if I had some degenerative spinal disease at this point. 01P 026 06.40 NS

The tension in my neck and shoulders is much better. I see it as a tension between my having alot of things to do and wanting to do them and this underlying sense of despair, futility and inertia that the drug seems to have evoked. I have ended by going round in circles - homework is half-done, projects half-started, etc. And I am kind of strung out in the middle. 01P 027 XX.XX NS

Pain in my shoulders, an aching. 02P 018 XX.XX NS

Woke up still with neck pain, this went into my shoulders by mid morning, heavy stiff and painful. 02P 021 XX.XX RS

Woke up with a stiff painful neck 02P 021 XX.XX RS

The pain in my neck is going from there to a tight feeling in my shoulders, to a pain down the top of my left arm. My whole upper body feels tense and heavy. 02P 022 XX.XX NS

My neck and arms and shoulders felt tense today. 02P 023 XX.XX NS

Back aching. Totally worn out feeling. 02P 025 XX.XX NS

That my shoulder joints are now symmetrically flexible. For many years they were not: I couldn't raise one hand as high behind my back as the other hand. But 1 don't know when it changed. 03P 000 XX.XX CS

Pain, discomfort in the back apparently from not having had enough water to drink, at the level of the bottom of the scapulae, with a quality similar to heartburn but without the burn. It went after drinking water, quite a lot. 03P 006 XX.XX OS

Muscular pain under left shoulder blade, dull. 06P 032 XX.XX NS

Rash on Adam's apple. 06P 045 XX.XX RS

Back has started to itch again it used to itch when I undressed but now I feel the itching even wearing clothes. 09P 010 XX.XX AS

Noticed itching in back again. 09P 011 XX.XX NS

Back itching even in the morning. 09P 012 XX.XX NS

Stiff and painful neck, feels that its got a crick in it, difficult to move head. 15G 018 XX.XX OS

Upper limbs

I opened my hands and put them very carefully on my knees. 01P 001 17.00 NS

Pain in the left elbow during the night, entirely gone in the morning. 01P 004 XX.XX NS

My hands felt as if they were throbbing, getting bigger and smaller. 02P 001 17.00 NS

My hands were very clammy. 02P 001 17.00 NS

Driving home I was again getting numbness with pins and needles in my hands. 02P 021 XX.XX NS

A suggestion of tingling of the fingers. 03P 001 17.00 NS

Perspiration on the back of my hands as well as the palms. 03P 001 17.00 NS

Rubbing hands together in the rhythm of a tune - the line of song in my mind was: "I'm afraid my heart isn't very smart". 03P 001 17.00 RS

Hands sweaty and cold. 05P 001 17.00 NS

Sweaty hands. 05P 001 17.00 NS

Hands feel hot and sweaty. 05P 004 XX.XX NS

Hot sweaty palms around. 05P 006 08.30 NS

My bones ache. Feel tired in my bones, normally run everywhere at work but this morning my legs felt so tired in the bones just going upstairs. 05P 007 XX.XX NS

This morning left arm felt crampy, scared I was having a heart-attack and took an aspirin. It is a really odd sensation. 05P 023 XX.XX NS

Index finger (impaled yesterday) inflamed and tender. 06P 006 XX.XX NS

My hands are trembling now. 07P 001 17.00 NS

I feel sweaty, cold, especially my hands. 07P 001 17.30 NS

I try to write my symptoms down, my hands tremble so much, I can't. 07P 001 17.30 NS

My legs and hands feel shaky, my heart is pounding. 07P 001 17.50 NS

My hands are clammy. 07P 002 17.00 NS

My arms feel heavy. 07P 002 17.00 NS

My hand tingles. 08P 001 17.00 NS

I had a pain in my right elbow, it went right into the bone and was stabbing and aching, it was on and off all day but only lasted that one day. 09P 000 XX.XX NS


My nails, which have always broken and flaked, had become stronger. 01P 000 XX.XX CS

I have been biting my nails which I haven't done for years. 02P 000 XX.XX OS

Fingernails feel cold. 06P 002 XX.XX NS

Desire to grow nails long. Grew very long and strong. Have not had them long for about six years and used to be much softer and flakier. 24G 000 XX.XX NS

Nails have been much stronger. 25G 000 XX.XX NS

Lower limbs

My partner got a pain in his Achilles tendon that hobbled him. 01P 000 XX.XX OS

My legs looked much smaller which felt like a great relief, I normally feel they are big, that I am big. 02P 001 17.00 NS

When I got up my legs felt quite detached from my body. 02P 002 09.00 NS

Numb and tingling from knees down. 02P 002 XX.XX NS

Legs feel enlarged. 02P 002 XX.XX NS

Physically trembly in legs when talking about emotional issues. 02P 003 XX.XX NS

Sensation of legs doing their own thing. 02P 003 XX.XX NS

Legs have felt really detached from my body, trembly. 02P 005 XX.XX NS

Had old cramps returning in my legs, like I used to get. 02P 005 XX.XX OS

Was getting quite strong cramps in my calves, like an energy that is trapped. 02P 005 XX.XX OS

My legs felt heavy, dragging and tingling all morning 11.00 - 12.00. 02P 007 11.00 NS

In bed my legs are throbbing with tiredness, particularly in calves. 02P 024 XX.XX NS

Legs throbbing with tiredness, I've only been shopping. 02P 025 XX.XX NS

For a few weeks I had a very sore ankle, it felt very weak. 02P 041 XX.XX OS

Right leg from calf down to foot feels like pins and needles all the time, it feels different, almost numb, like first month of proving. 02P 072 XX.XX NS

Feet getting tappy. 03P 001 17.00 RS

Siting cross-legged, my hips feel more open, good upright posture from this. 03P 007 XX.XX CS

Legs trembling. 05P 001 17.00 NS

My legs kept trembling. 05P 001 17.00 NS

Legs felt really cold around 7-8pm, even though heating is on and I was sat in front of fire. 05P 004 19.00 NS

My legs feel heavy. 07P 001 19.00 NS

My legs ache, right from under buttocks all the way down. I don't feel weary, my energy level seems good. 07P 001 23.00 NS

My legs feel wobbly. 07P 002 17.00 NS

Freezing cold feet. 15G 024 XX.XX NS

The foot not connecting with step may be related to the Vertigo. Felt periodically very light-headed, like the top of my head was open and my consciousness was opening and drifting out and the air around was drifting in. Felt like I was floating, not in touch with the floor, not grounded. 24G 000 XX.XX NS


The difference between sleep and awake was minimal. 01P 002 XX.XX NS

Had to lie on front to get to sleep, when I am balanced I sleep on my back. 01P 002 XX.XX NS

Paper and pencil by my bed I went to sleep easily, but on my stomach - the way I have taken to sleeping lately. When I am very balanced I prefer to sleep on my back, as I did Saturday night. 01P 002 XX.XX RS

Woke late - 7:30 AM, slept easily and well. 01P 004 07.30 NS

Woke at 6:15, having slept well. Feeling very good. Mentally clear, looking forward to the projects and tasks of the day. 01P 008 06.15 NS

Energy very down, even went to sleep for 15 mins. 01P 008 13.00 NS

Tired, because I worked in the garden all day. Posture somewhat better. I keep giving myself Alexander Technique reminders (head up, neck free, back lengthen and widen, knees forward and away). 01P 015 XX.XX NS

Felt reluctant to get up because it was nice to lie there. Woke at 9am which is very late for me. 02P 002 09.00 NS

I didn't sleep well because partner and I had a terrible row and I slept with daughter. I was cold and scared. 02P 003 XX.XX IRS

I was so tired when I woke up this morning, dead tired, I asked partner to get up and take the kids to school. I suppose from the incredible despondency of night before. Not very often this tired, especially so that I can't get up, don't usually like to ask partner as he tends to fight with the kids all morning and I can't relax. Was still asleep when he got back at 9.30. 02P 006 09.30 NS

Feel absolutely exhausted. 02P 009 XX.XX IRS

Didn't sleep well. 02P 015 XX.XX NS

I woke up feeling totally and utterly physically exhausted, could hardly get myself to move. 02P 023 XX.XX NS

Woke up exhausted and wiped out like yesterday, but very cross and irritable. Prickly. Ready to rip the kids' heads off. I was shouting at son for throwing up. 02P 024 XX.XX NS

I am very tired, exhausted. 02P 060 XX.XX IOS

No dreams or images on falling asleep, which would have been more normal for me. Slept a little better than usual. 03P 001 08.00 OS

Yawning a lot [not unusual for me]. 03P 001 17.00 RS

Woke up at normal time, but after a wee got back into bed, happy to just lie there for some time. 03P 003 08.00 NS

Slept well. Woke around 05.30h and wrote down dreams. Went back to bed and slept till late, unusual. Wife roused me with a cup of tea instead of me her. 03P 005 XX.XX NS

My sleep was very restless, not actually waking me up. I was told by my partner about this restlessness. Tossing and turning all night. 04P 000 XX.XX OS

Felt really awake. Went to bed and thought I'd start on the case, bit suddenly felt tired so went to sleep instead. 05P 002 22.00 NS

Woke feeling quite bright. Everything is still sharp (vision). 05P 003 07.00 NS

Felt tired around 12 - started yawning a lot. 05P 003 12.00 NS

More tired this morning. Feel a bit foggy. Head feels stuffed up. 05P 004 08.00 NS

Felt tired and yawny at about 2pm. 05P 004 14.00 NS

Very tired and yawny about 2-3pm. 05P 005 14.00 NS

Felt very tired all afternoon from about 2pm to 7pm. 05P 005 14.00 NS

Felt very tired, laid down by the door, could have slept there 06P 001 18.00 OS

Slept 7-10pm with all my clothes on and extra jumper. When I woke up my legs felt cold. 06P 002 XX.XX NS

Woke in terror, sat up in a jolt. Fell asleep again. Tired dreaming, not quite sure what's going on. 06P 002 XX.XX OS

Tiredness almost every day at around 2.00 in the afternoon. 07P 000 14.00 NS

I'm lying in bed, I don't feel at all tired. I want to party, enjoy myself, have fun. I wish I was back with the group. 07P 001 24.00 NS

Feel quite refreshed on waking. Feel bright eyed and bushy tailed. 07P 002 08.00 NS

Still feel quite refreshed after sleep. 07P 004 XX.XX NS

Feel very tired, yawning, no energy. 07P 006 13.00 RS

Feel very tired and sleepy. 07P 007 13.30 NS

So very tired - could just curl up and sleep. 07P 009 16.00 NS

Feel sleepy again, need fresh air. Classroom is too stuffy. 07P 010 14.00 NS

Woke very early for me. Don't know why. 07P 011 05.30 NS

Great tiredness again. 07P 012 14.00 NS

Great tiredness again. 07P 013 14.00 NS

Extreme tiredness, fighting to stay awake. Headache (frontal) starts. Feeling of pressure. 07P 015 14.00 NS

Feel very tired on waking, but I am up till midnight every night on homework. 07P 021 08.00 RS

Extreme sleepiness. 07P 021 14.00 NS

Feel very tired and weary physically but things feel settled. 07P 022 19.00 NS

Overwhelming tiredness. 07P 025 18.00 NS

Went to bed early for the first time since the remedy. 07P 027 XX.XX NS

Feel very tired. I'm aware that I'm pushing myself, especially with homework. 07P 028 13.30 OS

Around 4 felt very tired. Had to go and lie down. Didn't sleep deep sleep but dozed. 08P 003 16.00 NS

Woke feeling very peaceful next to partner. 08P 004 07.00 NS

Mentally right now I feel wiped out. Until 5:30 pm I was OK apart from the thrush. I haven't felt irritable or depressed. Then downhill since 5:30pm. 08P 006 17.30 NS

I had a peaceful night with deep sleep, dreamt more than usual. 09P 001 17.30 NS

Took a long time to drop off, mind planning for school next day, worse than usual but I did have three new classes to teach. Taught clearly and well. 09P 003 XX.XX NS

Woke up feeling more dopey than usual. 09P 005 07.00 NS

Felt tired and slow. 09P 005 12.00 NS

Had slept very deeply. 09P 006 XX.XX NS

Woke during the night feeling that I was getting a cold. 09P 006 XX.XX NS

Managed to get back to sleep without water by gathering saliva in my mouth to swallow. This is another aspect of the dryness that I have noticed since the proving began. 09P 007 XX.XX NS

Woke at 7.00 and was ready to start study. Did give myself a short lie-in but was keen to use my energy and clear mind. Up till now I have slept extremely well but have woken slowly, trying to remember dreams etc. Today I could not remember much and just wanted to get on. 09P 009 07.00 NS

A good night's sleep. Woke feeling chipper; jokey and patient with the children (very unusual for a Monday morning!), relaxed and good. 13G 003 XX.XX NS

Got up at 2 p.m. This never usually happens. 15G 022 02.00 NS

Slept late. 15G 027 XX.XX NS

Got up late. Missed the alarm. 15G 030 XX.XX NS

Sleeping a lot, often in the afternoon, most afternoons, no specific time, maybe three or fourish, but often much earlier, whenever I wanted to do anything. Wanted to avoid doing anything most of the time because no interest. "What's the bloody point anyway." Feeling and brain not functioning. I do sleep as an avoidance thing. Later into proving could not wake up in morning. Felt like I'd been coshed or drugged on waking. 24G 000 XX.XX OS

Temperature and weather

I've been cold all day (wore a sweater over a sweatshirt) very unusual. 01P 003 XX.XX NS

I am cold. 01P 008 XX.XX NS

Cold hands and feet on going to bed. 02P 020 XX.XX NS

As well as feeling cold emotionally and mentally I have felt icy cold physically as well, even under the covers at night. 02P 077 XX.XX NS

I feel cold. 03P 001 18.30 RS

Started wil just a shirt on, some time later fetched a pullover for warmth, then got much colder and had to get my fleece from the car. Suddenly felt too warm and had to take off coat. 03P 002 XX.XX NS

Felt really cold and shivering. 05P 002 XX.XX NS

Freezing cold, freezing cold legs on the way home, even though the sun was out. Really hot on the way back. 05P 003 13.00 NS

Definitely a hot and cold thing going on, felt unstable, couldn't get the temperature right. 06P 001 XX.XX NS

Woke very cold. 06P 001 XX.XX NS

Colder than normal, waking cold. 06P 004 XX.XX NS

Get soaked in rain, cold & wet - not so bothered as usual. 06P 030 XX.XX NS

Hands and feet cold. 07P 001 17.00 NS

Driving from College, I felt very disorientated by the storm approaching. It felt as if the air was charged up and it was affecting me. I had nausea and slight vertigo. The lightening was unnerving me, scaring me. I felt unsafe. 07P 030 18.30 NS

Had odd feelings of coldness, whole body affected. 09P 001 17.30 NS

Very cold. 10G 001 17.00 NS

Last 3 nights - freezing feet and legs evening and night, so cold that not even a hot water bottle has warmed them. 15G 020 XX.XX NS

Over the past few days a lot of heat, a burning up and sweating on waking in the morning especially on the legs. 15G 020 XX.XX OS

Fine, contented and happy today although it was raining, which I normally hate. 15G 032 XX.XX NS

Felt really cold, freezing. 17G 001 XX.XX NS


Body much smaller than my head. 01P 001 17.00 NS

Sensation of horizon moving towards me and then lifting. Like a ball, or two balls spinning towards me. 01P 001 17.00 NS

Feeling as if top of my head is open. 01P 001 17.00 NS

Sensation/visual impression of ground and darkly cloudy sky - the horizon moving towards me - as I allow it to speed up I am trajected into space, rushing towards the stars. 01P 001 17.00 NS

Sense of [my] consciousness being lifted higher, the "top of my head/awareness" expanding above myself. 01P 001 17.00 NS

Drawing sensation. Pulling inward of my chest; expansion above my head. 01P 001 17.00 NS

In the pub at lunchtime I had a wave of alteredness come again. 02P 000 XX.XX NS

I feel smaller than usual. Usually I feel really big. I'm just thinking about how small I have become. 02P 001 17.00 NS

Feelings both physical and mental, came and went in waves for the rest of the night. 02P 001 XX.XX NS

Pleasant feeling like waves from last night. I don't feel in a hurry to move or get organized. 02P 002 10.00 NS

Kept phasing in and out with strong experiences same as yesterday. 02P 002 10.30 NS

On drive home physical and mental waves continued quite frequently. 02P 002 18.00 NS

Head feels like it is enlarging. 02P 002 XX.XX NS

Waves of detachment and altered state started coming again. Particularly strong from 11.00 - 13.00. When they came there was a lot of focus in my stomach, I was very aware of it and felt as if it was expanding. 02P 006 12.00 NS

Lots of waves of an altered state nature again today, 11.00 seems to be a time which keeps on cropping up of when it starts to come on. 02P 007 11.00 NS

These waves of detachment from about 11.00 - 13.00, not just detachment, but like an altered state taking me over. Beginning to trip. Freaked me out a bit when I was driving, much worse when I am in the car. 02P 007 XX.XX NS

Woke up this morning with quite a focus in the stomach. 02P 008 XX.XX NS

Had the feeling of my hands and legs going numb alternately throughout the day, with pins and needles after. 02P 016 XX.XX NS

My hands were going numb on and off all evening. 02P 021 XX.XX NS

Evening, I feel exhausted, spaced out, tingly sore in my legs. 02P 024 XX.XX NS

Very momentarily felt drunk when I woke up. 03P 002 08.00 NS

Felt cold tingly "Hair-raising" type feeling in my head tonight around 8pm, also a sensation of something cold coming out of my head. 05P 004 20.00 NS

Everything drawn up to a point at the back of my head. 07P 001 17.00 NS

I feel as if everything has been drawn up to a point at the back of my head (it still feels inside my head). 07P 001 17.30 NS

Lots of flutterings in eye and side. 07P 033 XX.XX NS

Have sense of tightness on right side of body. 08P 005 XX.XX NS

Woke up with slight stiffness. 09P 011 07.00 NS

Vision and sensation of a point going upward. 13G 001 17.00 NS

Today a terrible and faint tiredness all over. Just sheer exhaustion - too little sleep, too many emotions. 15G 026 XX.XX NS

Feeling of explosion in upper body somewhere, solar plexus? chest? hard to locate. Like explosion in small sealed container, controlled explosion. Made me want to smash my arm and hand back against the wall. Have had this several times before. This happened when I was invigilating an exam, bored, trapped, frustrated, couldn't move around or escape. Usually happens when I'm frustrated with my situation. 24G 000 XX.XX OS


After a dinner of roast pork noticed a flat, raised in the centre, red, itching spot on left thigh. It had completely gone after a couple of hours, no sign or mark where it had been. 01P 003 XX.XX NS

Skin really dry, shins flaky. 01P 005 XX.XX NS

Hands clammy face feels flushed, sweaty. 02P 001 17.00 NS

Have been looking at hands today they look very dry. 02P 003 XX.XX NS

Dermatitis on left ring finger flared up badly last few days, cracked and bleeding, worse from water. 02P 022 XX.XX OS

Perspiration generally. Especially noticeable on backs of hands, but also on palms. I don't normally sweat. 03P 001 17.00 NS

Did the washing up and noticed it doesn't take much water to make my hands go soggy and wrinkly at the moment, they go very quickly. In the shower, it's not usually long enough to make them go like that, but they were all wrinkly. And peeling potatoes. Worse on the right, odd, as it wasn't the one that was submerged. 05P 009 XX.XX NS

Bit more eczema on my hands. 05P 010 XX.XX OS

Eczema on hands, like blisters, quite big, like bubbles under the skin, quite painful, not red, odd patches, but quite a lot of blisters. Don't know if this is anything to do with remedy or not, I get it periodically anyway, usually hot weather or stress brings it on, but it came up quite badly today. 05P 014 XX.XX NS

Sweaty palms, still very hot. 06P 001 17.00 NS

Chronic pimply spot on the back of left hand between index and thumb, been a bit itchy in the last few weeks. It has broken into four parts. Inflamed not itchy. 06P 003 XX.XX NS

My skin on my face feels softer, not so dry. 07P 003 08.30 NS

Dry skin and hair. 09P 004 XX.XX NS

Have started to feel itchy under the armpits. 09P 020 XX.XX NS

Very itchy under armpits and on head especially on the forehead. 09P 022 XX.XX NS

Noticed too that psoriasis I've had on elbows and knees for 11 years has nearly all gone. 15G 030 XX.XX CS